Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man (Paperback)

by Scott Wetzler (Author) "WHEN THE KING of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland tries to calm the Mad Hatter's hysteria by saying, "don't be nervous or I'll have you..." (more)
Key Phrases: passive side

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Passive-aggressive men are angry, but out of fear they display their aggressive impulses in passive ways, states New York City psychologist Wetzler. He explores the various ways men become passive-aggressive and advises women on how to deal with husbands, lovers, bosses, colleagues and employees who display these traits. From his own practice Wetzler draws numerous examples of how these men "drive women crazy," from "forgetting" an important meeting to sulking to delivering a barbed compliment. He also explains how women may unconsciously encourage passive-aggressive behavior, and offers tips on ways for them to break the vicious cycle. He even provides a short section on the "passive-aggressive organization." While this book is a trove of helpful and practical advice, many of Wetzler's examples of "passive-aggressive" behavior actually seem fairly benign.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Description

DO YOU KNOW ONE OF THESE MEN?

The catch-me-if-you-can lover...
Phil's romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.

The deviously manipulative coworker or boss...
Jack denies resenting Nora's rapid rise in the company, but when they're assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her.

The obstructionist, procrastinating husband...
Bob keeps telling his wife he'll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it.

These are all classic examples of the passive-aggressive man. This personality syndrome -- in which hostility wears a mask of passivity -- is currently the number one source of men's problems in relationships and on the job. In Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, Scott Wetzler draws upon numerous case histories from his own practice to explain how and why the passive-aggressive man thinks, feels, and acts the way he does. Dr. Wetzler also offers advice on:

• How to avoid playing victim, manager, or rescuer to the "P-A"
• How to get his anger and fear into the open
• How to help the "P-A" become a better lover, husband, and father
• How to survive passive-aggressive game playing on the job

Living with a man's passive aggression can be an emotional seesaw ride. But armed with this book, you can avoid the bumpy landings.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 208 pages
• Publisher: Fireside (October 1, 1993)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0671870742
• ISBN-13: 978-0671870744
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (62 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #7,097 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

137 of 140 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Restore your sanity!, February 7, 2005

By	RFN (NYC) - See all my reviews

"Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder.

1. Fear of Dependency
2. Fear of Intimacy
3. Fear of Competition
4. Obstructionism
5. Fostering Chaos
6. Feeling Victimized
7. Making Excuses and Lying
8. Procrastination
9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness
10. Ambiguity
11. Sulking

My ex-husband regularly displayed every single one.

There is no way to please these people. Although the implication is always that your inadequacies are the reason for their discontent, their problem is so complex and ingrained it is virtually impossible to eradicate. Nothing anyone provides for them is ever enough to calm their fears, self doubt, and bolster their low self esteem. The 'cure' is a constantly moving target, partially because they often ask for the opposite of what they really want, if they bother to ask at all. Usually it's a guessing game: they let you know they're displeased in a covert and passive way, but you have to try to figure out why. They will deny their anger if directly confronted. Nothing anyone does for them is ever good enough. It is almost universal within a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex. That and deliberate action, or inaction, that denies pleasure to their partner when they do engage in intercourse is their ultimate expression of hostility and control.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, this is the book to read to help restore some of your sanity. For years I refered to my then husband as 'Passive Agressive' without really understanding the disorder. The basis of all this dysfunctional and self-destructive behavior is rage.

Interestingly, what drives the P-A's anger is low self esteem and extreme dependency. Passive-aggressive people try to mask this by continually rejecting the very person they are dependent upon. They attempt to deny their feelings of insecurity and worthlessness by attacking in underhanded ways that make the object of this type of aggression feel confused, helpless, and demeaned. Typically, Passive-Aggressive people tend to choose one of three types of partners: Controllers, Nurturers, or Rescuers. Or someone that has a combination of those
characteristics. Hence, P-As are continually rejecting their partners for the very qualities that attracted them in the first place. They undermine the people they so desperately need in an attempt to prove to themselves they don't need them. It is a personality disorder that is highly resistant to change even with intense therapy and motivation on the part of the patient. P-As are completely convinced there is nothing wrong with them or their behavior; it is everyone else.

A complete loss of confidence and self esteem that living with such a person induces in the unfortunate person who married them is not uncommon, either. Because, of course, everything is always someone else's fault, not theirs. It is usually the spouse, significant other, etc. of these people who end up in therapy because dealing with P-As is so difficult since they are constantly manipulating the environment to make themselves the victim and the person with whom they're interacting the bad guy. It is a very difficult disorder for people who are straightforward and psychologically sound to deal with or recognize. The tendency is, since you are being held responsible by the other person for problems in the relationship, to hold yourself responsible as well.

The book was mainly about how to set boundaries and cope if you are involved with these types of people. The main advise given was if you can't cope with the reality that changed or even improved behavior is probably not an option, (and most people can't!) your only recourse is to leave. Which is exactly what I waited way too long to do. I was married for 27 years to an extremely passive-agressive man. If I had read this book earlier, I may have stopped accepting responsiblility for the problems in our marriage, making excuses for his bad behavior and escaped earlier, saving myself and my son years of grief.

209 of 217 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Walking on Eggshells 101, but great description of PA males., January 16, 2003

By	Groovy Vegan (USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (COMMUNITY FORUM 04)

"Living With The Passive Aggressive Man" is a significantly flawed book, but one that has helped me tremendously in my post-breakup healing process with a passive-aggressive (PA) man. The book's greatest strength is describing what the PA man is like. I had many "aha" moments as clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler described the multitude of mind games PA people play including excuse making, obstructionism, and an old favorite: the PA person intentionally pushes your buttons, but if you get angry, they claim you're the one with a problem. This last example is of projected anger, which Wetzler explains quite well.

Wetzler's discussions of arguments and apologies also ring true for me. He explains that a fair fight is not in the repertoire of a PA partner. He'll be sarcastic or sulk or bring up distracters, but will not tell you what's bothering him. Furthermore, in many cases, they won't apologize at all, or will quickly issue an insincere apologize to change the subject. Wetzler asks you to gauge whether your partner actually changed their post-apology behavior. The section on parenting also was tremendously helpful. Wetzler states the biggest parenting problem for the PA parent is difficulty disciplining their child, which was certainly true in my relationship.

Other parts of the book did not ring true for me, although they certainly might for another reader. For example, he talked about the childhood experiences typical to PA people that helped make them that way, but my partner had generally positive things to say about his childhood. An alternative explanation could be that some people may consider themselves "too spiritual" to get angry, so they vent their anger passive-aggressively. Wetzler discussed "Who falls for the passive-aggressive man?" but this section did not help me at all, as I did not identify with his descriptions of "victim", "rescuer" or "manager." An alternate possibility is that many PA people present themselves as calm, likeable people, but after you fall in love with them, they slide into PA behavior rather insidiously.

My biggest problem with the book is the premise suggested by the title, "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man." The PA person often has a significant personality problem and is emotionally abusing you with his mind games, yet the concept of getting him or both of you into counseling is not even mentioned until the epilogue. This strikes me as odd, considering Wetzler is a clinical psychologist. Instead, much of the book is dedicated to teaching you, the non-PA partner, how to jump through hoops and walk on eggshells, so you can live with these mind games and hopefully gradually get your partner to change. Too much of this tip toeing is yielding to the PA partner's needs at the expense of your needs, and possibly sanity. For example, give the guy all the space he wants sounds like great advice, but what about women in relationships where the guy is around in body only watching TV, or avoids her for weeks at a time but has time for his buddies? Wetzler says, if he says something rude to you that angers you, YOU have to not get angry and prove to him that you're on his side. In a nutshell, to make this work, you the reader are expected to do considerably more than your fair share of the relationship work and keep your cool while he irritates you to his heart's content. Often times, that's what women are already trying to do in relationships. Instead of all this "do it yourself" while you cater to his needs while yours go unmet, all this time having the patience of a saint, why not go into counseling? There's a real danger that the woman attempting Wetzler's approach without couple's therapy would eventually explode due of frustration and exacerbate the problems. Wetzler says if you're spending years (!) using his approach, but you find it to be ineffective, your only option might be to leave.

My other problems with the book are:
1. The book is not backed up with research, as all information is derived from his patient's experiences in his clinical practice.
2. About half of it did not ring true to me, but that of course would vary with different readers.

Bottom line - I highly recommend the book for the incredible insight into what PA behavior is, how it operates in a relationship, and how it makes you feel. But Wetzler's approach to dealing with this is a long hard road, and likely not the best path.

74 of 74 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Comprehensive and useful information. Could not put it down., August 16, 1998

By	[e-mail] "mmartin599" (United States) - See all my reviews

I am married to and have two children with a passive aggressive man. I have searched local bookstores for a book on the topic for 2 years. One night, in desperation, I searched Amazon for a book on the subject and thankfully, I found this book by Scott Wetzeler.

Scott Wetzler clearly outlines the personality of a passive aggressive and concise terms and offers comprehensive solutions in how to deal with this personality.

What I loved most about the book were the validating stories told by other women that have experienced the, frustration, humiliation and emotional abuse, while involved with a "PA". I read their words over and over again in partial disbeleif, that my exact feelings and discription of the behavior, were staring back at me in black and white.

I urge anyone (male or female) who is in a relationship with someone who sulks, does not respond to a direct question or insists they are not angry even though their actions tell you otherwise, to read this book. It will save your life, as it has mine.