Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Positive and respectful parenting, June 7, 2005
One of my assignments as a new family therapist in the late 70s was to attend a good parenting class. I chose Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay's three-day workshop called Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP). Since I had not been a parent but I had been a child I wondered what else there was besides punishment, reward, spanking, lectures and threats.
I was surprised to learn that giving a choice such as a natural or a logical consequence is more effective than reward and punishment. That punishment invites resistance and prevents the child from learning to make decisions, makes the parent responsible for their child's behavior and suggests that acceptable behavior is expected only around authority figures.
A memory from my childhood made me think using choices made sense. When my mother took me to the dentist when I was seven I cried and refused to open my mouth. The dentist said sternly, "Niki, you have a choice-if you cooperate your mother can stay otherwise she'll have to wait outside." I immediately stopped crying and opened my mouth.
Other STEP recommendations include:
Provide a logical consequence. For example if the child's shoes are soiling the couch give them a choice between sitting on the couch properly or sitting on the floor.
Provide a natural consequence. For example allow the child to go hungry if they do not eat.
Allow the child to learn from their mistake and be responsible for their actions. This helps the parent avoid the "bad guy" role.
Encourage the child to take responsibility for choices instead of pitying, shaming or overprotecting.
Ask the child what they think is fair. A consequence is more effective if the child sees it as logical and it fits the crime.
Talk less and act more when using natural or logical consequences.
A logical consequence implies no moral judgment. Punishment tells the child they are bad and ignores their natural goodness, desire to cooperate, inherent curiosity and the need to feel a part of the family.
Treat the child with dignity by separating the deed from the doer.
Instead of using praise where the child's worth depends on their ability to perform use encouragement as it focuses on effort not results.
Set realistic standards and focus on strengths instead of demanding perfection.
Stop criticism and encourage positive attempts. Use your feelings and reactions about a child's behavior to point to the purpose of the child's behavior.
Ignore attention-seeking behavior, withdraw from power conflicts, avoid retaliation, and hurt.
Learn to listen to the child's thoughts and feelings. When the child is "heard" they can change how they feel and act. Use "I-messages" not "you-messages" as they express feelings without blame.
When I used STEP's positive approach in individual, family and group counseling the families parenting skills and self esteem improved. The parents were surprised at their children's insight and wisdom. I found that STEP's principles really do provide information and techniques to help parents become more knowledgeable, confident and successful. As Dinkmeyer points out living respectfully with others is more effective than gaining control via a pecking order.
The STEP course not only made me a better therapist but it introduced me to a more positive and respectful way to relate to all people.
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26 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
This book is why we have a great kid!, December 8, 1999
By A Customer
We give this to every prospective new parent without fail because it is THE BEST. No other way to put it. Our 8 yr old is an incredible kid because she can talk to us, we can talk to her, we all understand how to comunicate and understand each other, and what to do when we don't. It has helped us through deaths, moves,toilet training, fears, "bad" friends, school, misbehaviors, social situations, etc. There is a special place in the afterlife for these authors. They have made our family a success. The dialogue will sound contrived and phony to readers at first, but please trust us when we say-IT WORKS! Now it seems as normal as can be, and is the only way I will ever interact with a child (or certain adults!)from now on!
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The Best Parenting Guide I know of, October 23, 2003
Parenting Young Children is in a format that even sleep-deprived parents can digest. The book discusses situations that are familiar to almost every parent. It shows ways to be consistent and give your children choices within reasonable limits.After illustrating a problem the book offers an analysis. It then explores multiple ways of reacting. Each chapter concludes with a little summary which is helpful when putting a strategy into practice. I like the concept because it works without punishment and does not make the child behave out of fear. Any strategy always keeps in mind to respect the child, help the child build self-esteem and encourage the child to cooperate.
If you agree with these values, this book is for you.
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by Adele Faber
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