Tommy and Me: The Making of a Dad (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "My wife and I are children of the sixties..." (more)
Key Phrases: Tommy Stein, Los Angeles, New York (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Stein, an actor and former speechwriter who worked for President Nixon in 1987, together with his wife, Alex, adopted baby Tommy that year. The author's relationship with his new son got off to a rocky start: he was so jealous of the attention Tommy was receiving that he stayed away from home for long periods of time. Attendance at 12-step groups and the inspiring example of a fellow father whom he met on vacation in Idaho helped Stein become a highly involved parent, "once I got my priorities straight." Although his devotion and commitment to Tommy documented here may one day mean a great deal to his son, Stein's effusive descriptions of the joys of parenthood occasionally overwhelm this slight book with schmaltz. The author concludes with his "Ten Commandments of Fatherhood," which stress such well-intended advice as the importance of patience and the value of praise in parenting. However, many will feel that Stein steps in over his head when he opines that "children with absent fathers are wounded for the balance of their lives."
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

An actor, screenwriter, lawyer, former Nixon speechwriter, and author (The Manhattan Gambit, LJ 3/15/83), Stein weaves together the story of becoming a father and building a relationship with his son. From a rocky start (he even moved out of the house to avoid his son as an infant!) to his current feeling ("The nucleus of the atom of my life is my love and duty to Tommy"), he presents a personal narrative on the joys of fatherhood. Throughout, the reader can experience Stein's emotions and growth as a parent. Not a "how-to" parenting book, this will nevertheless teach parents much about the importance of their relationships with their children. Recommended for public libraries and father's day presents.?Kay L. Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 176 pages
• Publisher: Free Press (June 7, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684838966
• ISBN-13: 978-0684838960
• Product Dimensions: 8.6 x 5.7 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #1,499,373 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Bravo. This should be required reading for all parents., March 10, 1999

By	[e-mail] (Central Ohio) - See all my reviews

Ben Stein's intelligence, charm, and wit have given him the opportunity to do many things in life -- serve in the Nixon White House, practice law, teach law, write speeches, write columns, and write books. But most of us know him through his unforgettable portrayal of a monotone high school teacher in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "The Wonder Years" or his new Comedy Central game show "Win Ben Stein's Money," where he combines Jeopardy-like knowledge with none of the pretension.

Many people would use the blessings Mr. Stein has received for pure monetary gain. While he seems to have done some of that (this is, after all, America) he has focused the most important gifts he has -- his time and attention -- where they are needed most: on a child who might have otherwise gone unfathered. This book is squarely about how, when, and why Ben Stein and his wife adopted a young boy named Tommy -- and, more particularly, how Mr. Stein came to appreciate the joy and responsibility of fatherhood.

Mr. Stein readily admits his youthful mistake of revelling in self-absorption, but allows the reader to journey with him through as he comes to a realization that many parents miss. That is, "quality time" with children is too often a dodge for parents who put their own emotional needs ahead of the precious child they brought into this world. He advocates for "quantities" of time over the oft-cited "quality time."

Ben Stein makes the powerful case that should be (but is sadly not) self-evident -- young children need to be with their parents as much as possible. The foundation of parent-child bonding over thousands of hours of play, talk, and other interaction is the salve needed for some of our society's deepest wounds -- increased crime rates, more divorces, and weaker family bonds.

If you are a parent, want to be a parent, or love a parent, "Tommy and Me" is the perfect book. Mr. Stein's aggressive advocacy for the parent-child bond is tempered with humor, insight, and self-deprecation.

Bravo, Ben Stein.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A poignant, insightful memoir by a real dad, November 13, 2001

By	Dean Esmay (Westland, MI United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Ben Stein is probably best known for his game show "Win Ben Stein's Money," and for his work as a character actor in the cult classic "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." But some of us have known about Ben Stein for years based on his excellent work as a journalist and writer. In this poignant and beautiful little book, he demonstrates why some of us loved him even before he started giving away money.

In TOMMY AND ME, Stein recounts his small family's experience in adopting a baby (Tommy) and relates how is life was changed as a result. He illustrates in a deeply personal fashion who he was before he became a dad, and the insecurity (and yes, jealousy) he experienced when Tommy first entered his life. Most beautifully, he shows how he overcame these problems and became a real father. Along the way he records many memorable and occasionally profound observations on what it is to have what he calls "the best job in the world" -- being a dad.

There are some who've criticized this book because they don't agree with all the decisions Stein and his wife have made. For example, he mentions that he buys his son all the video games he wants and, because he makes a pretty good living, buys Tommy far more toys than most parents can. Many people (myself included) question the wisdom of such a policy. Stein and his wife also spank Tommy, which some people would question, but also spanks only very, very rarely, which other people might question (although in this case his policy matches my own).

But this sort of criticism misses the point; the book is a memoir, not a "how-to" manual. Stein describes the thinking that went into his decisions, and along the way shows us what being a real father is all about: making countless decisions that affect your child's life, and making them with the deep contemplation, love, and commitment that all parents owe their children. As Stein notes, young children are inherently selfish little barbarians, and our task (and blessing) is to love them for all their flaws while we do our (inevitably imperfect) best to guide them into decency and maturity.

Another criticism you may hear is that Stein's wife, Tommy's mother, is absent from long sections of the book. This criticism, again, misses the point. Stein's book is not about motherhood, nor is it about generic parenthood. Stein's recountings of vacations and other times he's spent one-on-one with Tommy are meant to show us about the unique nature of being a father. Not a "buddy," an "authority figure" or a "partner in parenting," but a good and decent FATHER, that unique and incalculably important person that, sadly, many children lack in their lives. He also gives us some profound insights into what a lousy father, or a missing father, can do to a kid. As the child of a broken and dysfunctional home, I found his insights on this subject perhaps the most penetrating of all.

If all of this makes the book sound long or pedantic, fear not. Stein's style is light and fun to read, and the book itself is rather short. I imagine most people could finish it in one or two sittings. I first read it a couple of years after the birth of our first child, and I benefited greatly from it. I can't imagine that any serious father or father-to-be would not. And although we did not adopt, I can't imagine that any man going through the unique process of adopting a child will not benefit as much as I did, if not more.

This is funny, engaging, insightful memoir by a man who has found incredible joy in being a father -- and become a better person as a result. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars classic memoir of a boomer dad, June 13, 2000

By	Edward Patterson (pittsfield,maine) - See all my reviews

a refreshingly candid look at a (formerly) jaded"boomer" whose perspective is altered and made richer by the inclusion of a joyously rich father- son bond. A delightful read on many levels, and one that will leave the reader deeply moved.Ben Stein has shown himself to be a top notch memoirist with this truly splendid work.