Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow (Paperback)

~ (Author) "We begin life with loss..." (more)
Key Phrases: convenience friends, unwanted impulse, imperfect connections, Sigmund Freud, Ivan Ilych, Anna Freud (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Personal experience, great literature liberally quoted here, and study of psychoanalytic theory are combined in this far-ranging, somewhat rambling book by Redbook columnist Viorst to demonstrate that growing and aging involve a succession of conscious and unconscious losses, including the loss of youth. Citing examples, and starting with the loss of the mother-child connection, she indicates that only by learning to relinquish people, places, situations and emotions that concern us at stages of life from childhood to old age can we develop a positive identity and self-image. We must realize, she argues, that these losses are a necessary part of life and growth. A strong sense of self will help us remain positive in the face of the many physical and psychological losses of old age and to accept life's final loss that is death. Losing, Viorst concludes, is the price we pay for living.
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Viorst, poet and Redbook contributor, is also a research graduate of the Washington Psychoanalytic Institute, and has worked in psychiatric settings. Her topic is loss because everyone must cope with it throughout life: childhood ends, we recognize that our expectations are unrealistic, friends and family members die, ultimately we die. Viorst offers a competent journalistic treatment of the subject, drawing upon psychoanalytic theory, interviews, and literature, and includes notes and a bibliography. Most of what she says has been said elsewhere, especially in books on mid-life crisis. Popular collections will want to have this because Viorst is known, but readers who expect a profound or truly personal approach to the topic may be disappointed. Margaret Allen, M.L.S., West Lebanon, N.H.
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 448 pages
• Publisher: Free Press (January 5, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684844958
• ISBN-13: 978-0684844954
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #13,195 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

90 of 92 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Important book!, January 4, 2003

By	Curtis Grindahl (San Anselmo, California USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I spent a couple of years of my clinical training working at an agency that offers grief counseling and maintains a twenty-four hour suicide prevention hotline. I chose Ms. Viorst's wonderful book to write a report required for the agency's training class in grief counseling. We also were given an assignment to prepare a list of the losses we experienced over the course of our lives. What an enlightening exercise, especially as we listened to fellow students share what they'd written! Others' losses reminded many of us of events we'd forgotten, events that had affected us profoundly. It is so easy to forget what is most painful!

Contrary to what some reviewers have said, the information that Ms. Viorst offers in her excellent book is not widely appreciated. I've worked with grief clients whose therapist referred them to the agency when they experienced a significant loss. I've been on the hotline when therapists as well as regular folks called with their bewilderment at how to respond to the loss of a loved one, or equally baffling, how to be with a friend who has experienced such loss. Ms. Viorst normalizes the inevitability of loss and rightly observes how our growing capacity to hold ourselves open to these losses deepens our human experience. I've recommended the book many times to both clients and friends. I encourage those who pick up the book to slow down and digest what she has to say. Let the thoughts seep through your days and weeks, your meetings with friends and family. Buddhists meditate on the vase already broken. In truth everyone we love will be lost to us, whether through their passing or our own. It is not morbid to recognize that fact. Rather it can become the beginning of appreciation and gratitude. Ms. Viorst is not a Buddhist, so far as I know, but she clearly recognizes this ancient wisdom. Opening one's heart to loss is a sure way to open to love.

30 of 31 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst, August 22, 2005

By	Debra A. Katz "therapist maven" (Fresno, CA (NYC orig.)) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I haven't finished the book yet, but I find that after five years of intensive therapy I have finally found a self-help book that has helped me with a breakthrough which I have been unable to make. I have cried through it and found it very well written for the laymen. To think I used to love her children's books, especially, "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good awful day". She knows from whence she speaks and has helped me to realize that life is full of losses from the moment we are born. It is how we are taught to deal with them that enables us to become as well adjusted adults as we can be. It isn't just about people who have died, it is about living with losses through separation, from child to adult; losses of periods of our lives, losses of joy, or even emotions. I can't say much more. My therapist, who is excellent, told me I was ready to read the book, and I was and still am. And I love being able to cry and mourn the losses that I always thought were silly to feel anything about.

28 of 30 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellant Read; Revealing More as You Go Through Life, November 26, 2000

By A Customer

This book is nearly a masterpiece. While it is obviously influenced by the best parts of pscychoanalysis, it is far from dogmatic and reveals how all human beings suffer a succession of separations and losses from which we (hopefully) grow. It is not a book about "Winning through adversity" or "The will always triumphs", but in times of profound life change; it always has something to offer and is ultimately quite reassuring. I have owened an earlier edition doe over 12 years and still refer to it from time to time. A must read for anyone who seeks understanding of their life and the passages we go through, including how our earlier experiences influence our later ones.