Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self (Hardcover)

by Elan Golomb (Author) "It has been said that narcissism is a common condition of modern society, that in the past there were narcissists but never in such profusion..." (more)
Key Phrases: negative inner parent, narcissistic home, narcissistic father, Aunt Sara, Eagle Scout, United States (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal
It seems reasonable to expect self-help books to accomplish one of three goals: to explain behavior, to assist readers to develop their potential or to change unwanted behavior patterns, or to motivate readers. This book fails on all three counts. People who may be attracted to the concept have probably already realized that their relationship with a self-absorbed parent has caused problems, and they will not learn much else. The suggestions for change are too general to be useful, and the tone is at times spiteful and depressing. Susan Forward and Buck Craig's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Bantam, 1989) covers the same topic in a more positive and helpful fashion. Not recommended.
- Mary Ann Hughes, Washington State Univ. Libs., Pullman
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Kirkus Reviews
A sober study by a clinical psychologist of the destructive legacy that narcissistic parents bequeath to their children and the troubling characteristics those children share as adults. Narcissists behave, Golomb says, as if they are the center of the universe, organizing their lives around denial of negative feelings about themselves. Their children, forced to conform to parental thinking, grow up with a range of subtle emotional disabilities, most commonly a distorted view of their capacities. All too frequently this damaged sense of self-worth interferes with their search for autonomy, their performance, and with their other adult relationships. Golomb, child of a narcissistic father, gives examples from the lives of friends and patients, as well as from her own experiences, and shows how these strained views of reality can be passed along from one generation to the next or can shadow an entire family's happiness. She is particularly adept in discussing why some people persist in the most puzzling behaviors (bankrolling one lover after another, for example) and how they see and defend these patterns. Although Golomb has experimented with meditation techniques and group treatment, she finds psychoanalytic psychotherapy the most consistently helpful set of strategies and suggests ways for adults to approach narcissistic parents and to change the nature of these relationships. ``Narcissism is a tale of codependency,'' she observes. ``If we want to be treated in a different way, the change in treatment must start with how we present ourselves to [narcissists].'' Golomb writes in language more accessible to other therapists than to general readers, unleavened by humor, and without a specific agenda. But difficult as her approach may be, it's sound and ultimately rewarding as well. -- Copyright ©1991, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 271 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow & Co; 1st edition (February 1992)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0688094716
• ISBN-13: 978-0688094713
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (103 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #580,448 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

100 of 103 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I finally understand!, November 21, 1999

By	Sue L. Hartl "Suebee" (Castle Rock, CO) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror (Paperback)

This book was the answer to my questions, my anger, and my resentment towards my narcissistic mother. For years I beat myself up, thinking that there was some way I could make her love me more. I thought it was up to me. "Trapped in the Mirror" was a very well-written account of many people's struggles and the common threads of emotions we all go through as "victims". I am no longer a victim after reading this book. I understand my mom better because I know where she is coming from. I also know how to spot a narcissist and keep my distance! Very empowering!

131 of 143 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finding real life and real love at last, June 2, 2001

By	Richard Crowder (Glen Allen, VA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror (Paperback)

Children seek approval from their parents; adolescents, from their peers; adults, from themselves.

In a healthy family, the parents facilitate this development, giving the child the generous love that makes it possible for her to grow beyond the neediness of the first stage. (Both sexes can occupy both positions, but for simplicity we'll assume that the parent is male, the child female.) A healthy parent recognizes his child as a separate person. He provides an environment where she can start creating an independent life that will represent her own spirit. His joy is to watch her become who she is.

But generally a parent who has not received this kind of love in childhood does not have it to give. Instead of seeking to meet the child's needs, he seeks to make her meet his. In love with an idealized self-image of confidence and authority, he wants his child to justify or repeat his life--or the life he wishes he had lived. He acts to keep her in a childish state, seeking his approval. When she meets his wishes, he gives her exaggerated praise; when she doesn't, exaggerated criticism. But what drives his behavior is neither love nor malice, but fear--fear that his child, or he, or anyone, will discover that the Wizard of Oz is only the man behind the curtain.

The child believes in the parent and cannot see his fear. Hoping to make him love her, she tends to act as if he were right (for he must above all be right), to live out his image of her--the idealized image of what he praises, the hated image of what he criticizes, or both. She often seeks mates who replicate aspects of his character--perpetuating both her misery and her false hope that he will one day love her as a separate person. Because she has internalized his impossible demands, her pursuit of his love can continue long after his death. As long as it stays unconscious, the cycle tends to repeat itself--each successive empty parent unable to accept his child's separate humanity, passing on to her the damage he has suffered.

At varying degrees of severity, the dynamics of narcissism help to explain consequences that affect millions--ranging from low self-esteem, oversensitivity to criticism, and difficulty with authority figures to addiction, eating disorders, and confusion about who we are and what we want.

To break the cycle, the child must realize that the love she hopes for from the narcissistic parent is not coming. (She can discover also that this is not his fault.) Giving up the old hope is painful--but once it is gone, adult life and adult love become possible.

Through vivid case studies, including her own, Dr. Elan Golomb illuminates both the narcissist's compulsion and the child's struggle for liberation. She concludes with steps the children of narcissists can take to deal more effectively with their parents and emerge into lives of their own. Her brave and compassionate book enriches our view of others and of ourselves.

36 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Is a narcissist controling your life? This book can help!, August 16, 1997

By A Customer

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror (Paperback)

Narcissism has become a rampant dis-ease in our consumer driven, instant-gratification-or-die culture. Golomb's work can help readers identify the narcissists in their lives, and their own narcissistic tendencies as well. And she offers hope for those who are willing to take the risk to escape from the mirror.... Often, being able to identify a problem is the first step to being able to accept it, and transform it. Golomb gives excellent information and personalized histories/herstories that clarify the sometimes subtle, but desturctive control dramas used by narcissists to create their illusion-filled worlds. If you are considering taking the risk to free yourself from a narcissist this is an excellent resource. Information is power!