You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day (Paperback)

by Scott Dikkers (Author) "You are worthless..." (more)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
You Are Worthless is the self-help book from hell. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful "inspirational self-help" books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as "Your Good-for-Nothing Friends," "Your Miserable Job," and "Life: What's the Use?" This hilarious parody collects hundreds of tidbits of painful reality such as "You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt." Who among us isn't sick to death of the gushy, new-agey inspirational books that blindly assert that everyone is worthy? We all know the truth, and this book is as refreshing as a slap to the face. Just some of the depressingly humorous nuggets of truth include:* You don't really have any outstanding qualities. It's safe to say you're pretty much just like everybody else.* The only reason your pet likes you is because you feed it.* As you get older, you are going to have less and less control over your bladder.* If you take a big risk and follow your dream, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face. You Are Worthless also features a section called "Hopeless Role Models from History," including Helen Keller ("I've had it"), and Abraham Lincoln ("Theonly thing I'm good at is losing").

About the Author
Author Scott Dikkers (writing as Dr. Oswald T. Pratt) is one of the guiding lights behind The Onion, the satirical newsweekly. He is the creator of the quirky Jim's Journal, and the coauthor of Our Dumb Century, The Onion's look at the news of the 20th century. He lives in Madison, Wisconsin. For a refreshing blast of humor, try a little attitude with You Are Worthless.

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing (September 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0740700251
• ISBN-13: 978-0740700255
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars See all reviews (43 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #109,970 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Fitting the garden hose to your car's exhaust could be tough, December 20, 2000

By	Joseph Haschka (Glendale, CA USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)

YOU ARE WORTHLESS is one of those bathroom readers that one gives or receives as a gag gift. That's how I got my copy ... from an ex-boss. (Hmmm... at least I think it was a gag gift.)

The book's hypothesis, made with one-liners and short observations, is that you and your life are essentially worthless and meaningless from the points of view of your friends, co-workers, boss, lovers, children, pets, and God. I guess one would have to be careful to whom to give this volume as a present. If the recipient was already suicidal, or maybe just enduring a 50th birthday, it might be enough to push him or her over the edge ... literally.

Some of the passages are particularly warm and fuzzy:

"Killing yourself would be a good idea. The only problem is that you don't have the guts"

"The bus driver would just as soon slit your throat as give you a ride."

"Next time you have sex, fixate on just how horribly unattractive your body is."

"You hate your job. And it's safe to say that no one at your job is particularly fond of you either."

"When you pray, no one is listening. Furthermore, you look ridiculous."

And my personal favorite, because I have a pet cat, Trouble, that I regard as my good buddy:

"That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it."

I'm enormously lucky in that I have a healthy level of self-esteem. Otherwise, I think I might close this book and go looking for a garden hose to attach to my car's exhaust pipe.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars From a 13 year olds point of view, June 4, 2001

By	Skidmark (Hamilton, NJ USA) - See all my reviews

I thought that this book was the funniest book that anyone could ever read that wasn't going psycho. When I first picked up this book I had no idea what it was. I mean, what are you supposed to think when you see a book titled You Are Worthless? Anyway, I started reading a couple pages and I could not stop laughing out loud. This brings out a lot of details that are very, very true about a lot of people. I must have read the entire thing in about thirty minutes to an hour. I couldn't put it down. I always wanted to know what Oswald T. Pratt was going to say next. The stories he told and the things that he said made me want to make the book even longer with more topics. He talked just about everything: your life, your self-esteem, your friends, love, jobs, God, religion, and even more. I would definitely recommend this book to teenagers. They would be the ones who would laugh the most about what Pratt talks about. Adults, if you have a really great sense of humor and you aren't seeing a psychologist, then this is the book for you.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Misanthropy for the masses, February 14, 2000

By A Customer

I used to be a cheerful, if rather withdrawn fellow, but college made me into an out-and-out misanthrope. Naturally, I have developed a fascination for this brand of brutal pessimistic humor. This is certainly not the best in the line, but its sheer unsophistication can be refreshing.

As a whole, this book is uneven, but at its best it's outrageously funny (for instance, when it advices that you can get rid of your children by telling them a that "street hustling is a tried-and-true stepping-stone to movie stardom.")

Some might be disturbed by a book that says things like "think of the sweet release of death," even in jest. But I have discovered that for misanthropes like myself irony and a sense of humor are priceless survival skills. You will find that the dangerous misanthropes (like the Columbine killers) are the ones with large egos and no sense of humor.

If you enjoy this sort of thing but would like it in a more sophisticated form, I recommend Ambrose Bierce's _The Devil's Dictionary_ (first published in 1906), which memorably defined life as "a spiritual pickle that keeps the body from decay."