The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man (Paperback)

by Laura Doyle (Author) "Respect the man you married by listening to him without criticizing him, insulting him, laughing at him or making fun of him..." (more)
Key Phrases: surrendered wife, receiving graciously, intimate marriage, Grand Canyon, Needless Emotional Turmoil, Really Big Bait (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review
Self-proclaimed "feminist and former shrew" Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound intimacy in one's marriage. Building on the gender stereotypes defined by bestselling author John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus), Doyle seeks to heal the overworked, underappreciated wife who snarls at her mate's every thought or action. Her message to these smart, self-sufficient types: check the nitpicking, the unsolicited opinions, and--egads!--the finances at the marital door (although she says it's still okay to wield control at work). Many women will find such advice archaic and offensive; some will simply laugh off this credential-free anachronism when they receive the book as a bridal-shower gag gift. Still others, identifying with Doyle's profile of a controlling wife, will be curious enough to dabble in her proposed art of "surrendering."

According to Doyle, the wife who chooses to surrender must learn to take care of herself first, overcome the desire to have more power, and abandon the myth of equality. Delving into the personal tales and sisterly advice shared within each chapter's pages, surrendering wives will further note the need to master unsavory phrases like "I can't," and "Whatever you think"--tough to swallow for a generation of women who value their own opinions. While she fully acknowledges that a few bills will go unpaid and a few deadlines or freeway exits will occasionally be missed, she also insists that surrendered wives will encounter less worry and fear, more money, and better sex. Hey, "Whatever you think...." --Liane Thomas

From Publishers Weekly
A natural for audio, Doyle is perky, enthusiastic, friendly and confiding as she shares her secrets for a happy marriage. Her main point is that when she criticized, nagged and tried to control her husband, the marriage suffered; but when she "surrendered," letting him do things his way and make decisions for the family, he rose to the occasion, becoming a responsible and loving husband and making her feel protected and cared for. Doyle's "one size fits all" approach is not likely to fit everyone; indeed, it's hard to imagine any wife (or husband, for that matter) feeling emotionally satisfied in a marriage where every one of the husband's suggestions is met with a demure "Whatever you think best, dear." Doyle's insistence that the husband should control all aspects of the family's finances is also likely to raise a few eyebrows. But such extremism aside, Doyle makes some worthwhile points. Nagging and criticizing are not conducive to marital harmony, and treating a man like an incompetent child turns the wife into his mother which isn't likely to make either party happy. Doyle also points out that wives need to take time to care for themselves (going to lunch with friends, getting facials or whatever activities they enjoy), instead of constantly martyring themselves to the needs of others. Based on the Fireside paperback.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 285 pages
• Publisher: Fireside (January 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743204441
• ISBN-13: 978-0743204446
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars See all reviews (182 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #16,249 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

57 of 62 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Recovering control freak loves this book, February 22, 2001

By A Customer

As a recovering control freak, I loved this book, and am putting into practice, with modification, many of the author's suggestions. As a professional woman with my own business, I need to tweak Laura Doyle's suggestions regarding turning over finances, so that my husband and I find a financial arrangment which works for us. What Laura Doyle is basically suggesting is giving up inappropriate control in marriage, not all control, and each reader needs to determine what that is. I understand how people without control issues would find this book to be ridiculous, but for a woman who is afraid to trust an inherently good man with even small things, this book is an eye-opener and a vehicle for healing. So for you readers who realize your need to control your husband is ruining your marriage, give this a shot. The people who wrote the highly critical reviews are coming from a different place, and probably don't have difficulty with inappropriate controlling habits. All I can say is, that as I read this book, I started to relax for the first time in six years, because it was giving me answers I was seeking. I didn't agree in all the details, but the essence was a powerful tonic for me. Much gratitude to Laura Doyle.

194 of 231 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Look Beyond the Feminist Manifesto and Choose Happiness, October 18, 2001

By	S. Salviander (Texas, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

For those women who have actually read this book (not just the back cover) and still find fault with its overwhelmingly simple premise-that of respecting your partner in life-I can only suppose that complete control is more important to them than happiness.

To be sure, reading the book and following through with Doyle's suggestions require courage. I'll admit that I bought the book on a lark, since its title and wildly differing reviews intrigued me-but, as I read through the first chapter I began to realize that I wanted what Doyle promised; I wanted happiness and fulfillment in my relationship, and I wanted my partner to adore me. Yes, the prospect of relinquishing control over my partner was uncomfortable and even frightening, but the final payoff was so much more appealing to me that I decided to follow through with the rest of the book.

Careful reading through this book reveals no mention of "submitting," and Doyle is careful to mention that no woman should ever surrender to an abusive husband or one who is in the grip of an addiction. But, this aside, the chances are that your husband is a worthwhile and loving man who deserves to be treated the way you want to be treated-with trust and respect. I accepted this premise by reasoning that it didn't reflect well on me and my own judgment if I had chosen to be with a man who was untrustworthy and incapable of making his own decisions-and so much so that I had to take over the management of his life.

What Doyle means when she says to "surrender" is to let go of unnecessary control over your husband's life. It does not mean to relinquish control of your own life to your husband. In fact, by giving up the day-to-day hassle of micro-managing your husband's life, you should find that you have abundant time and energy to devote to your own decision-making, self-care, and happiness.

This is what I discovered when I began to surrender in my own relationship. I am fortunate-as many women in this country are-to be with a wonderful and loving man who is also imperfect and frequently makes decisions I consider to be ridiculous. In surrendering I decided I would no longer criticize his choices, but instead trust his ability to make his own decisions and learn from whatever mistakes he might make. This is why Doyle advocates telling your husband, "Whatever you think" instead of imposing your own opinion on him. You are not accepting his decisions about his own life and his opinions simply because he is a man, but because he is a human being and the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.

I have read the entire book three times, and as a result of putting its principles into practice, I have found that my partner has become the dream-man that always wanted-attentive, loving, thoughtful. As for the excess time and energy I now have since I've given up the full-time job of managing my partner, I can now put that into more important activities, like my work (I am currently working toward a Ph.D. in astrophysics-who says smart, independent women don't surrender?) I find that I am no longer chronically dismal and anxious, and the result of this is that the time my partner and I spend together is now relaxed, spontaneous, and lots of fun. He has also started doing all the little things I always wanted him to do-notice my appearance, leave me little love-notes, and give me precedence over his friends and other activities. If my choice is between "equality" and being treated like a goddess, I'll take the latter.

I'm surprised at one of the common complaints about this book-its simplicity. No book can hope to be all things to all people. Doyle understands this principle of successful writing, focuses her argument, and allows others to extrapolate. Further, her simplistic style of writing (which I find a Godsend compared to the type of stuff I'm forced to read in my profession) makes it a joy to read-and far more accessible to a wide audience of busy women than an academic treatise on traditional gender roles. It is sheer intellectual snobbery to suppose that the insight and life experience of a woman are diminished by the fact that she writes clearly and doesn't hold an advanced degree.

Another complaint regards the inapplicability of Doyle's principles to problems one encounters in life, like the death of a family member or disabilities. Principles are something to guide us through difficulties. That aside, I'm not even sure why the death of a family member or a disability would excuse a woman for regularly mistreating her husband anyway.

As for the financial power-base of a relationship, Doyle is not advocating that all financial decisions be made by the husband. She merely suggests to wives that they let their husbands manage the monthly headache of paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If handing over money hassles to another person means transferring the power-base of the relationship, then somebody had better warn all those CEOs who rely on accountants to manage their finances for them.

I've yet to hear one plausible reason for why this book or the ideas in it are dangerous to women in any way-the hostility and resentment are generated by fear and fear alone. Those with the courage to look beyond the feminist manifesto (which does not speak for all women) and simply give up the notion that you can have complete control AND happiness will find that they have the latter in abundance.

45 of 51 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Open mind required, February 4, 2001

By A Customer

I suspect that the angry, sometimes fearfilled reactions to this book come from those who have not read it. A thorough read of the book deals with the misconceptions that riddle posting on this page. The title is extremely misleading and does not mean submitting to husbands. The book takes a wife's perspective, but could easily be applied to anyone who is in a relationship that is defined by a power struggle. The premise is that to end the struggle, stop trying to control your parter. If your partner is a decent and good person (which they probably are), they will react in kind and exceed your expectations. (If they are not decent and continue with abuse or infidelity, she recommends getting the heck out. Fair enough.)

It is too easy to read the title and skim the idea and come to the conclusion that the book is telling women to let their husbands dominate them, that conclusion is wrong. The book is a non-academic study of how women take part in this "cold war" like power stuggle and how to go about turning the relationship around by ceasing hostilities. This is not submitting, this is taking a higher stand in good faith.

The title is unfortunate, but then again, if it was given a less controversial title, I may never have stumbled across this wonderful book. I have no doubt that books that speak to husbands and couples will follow as a natural evolution of these ideas.