Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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35 of 37 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Who's first?, September 1, 2002
By A Customer
Some of the insights in this book are good, but one size does not fit all, and some of the advice seems unrealistic ("When your stepwife is verbally and emotionally abusive...(use) 'I' statements: 'When I hear you scream at me, I don't feel comfortable continuing the discussion. I want to be able to listen and understand what you are feeling.'"). This advice seems simplistic and even misguided, ignoring the very real impact of such behavior on its target, who may be too depleted and traumatized to assume a therapeutic stance toward the initiator of verbal abuse.It sometimes seemed as though the authors were talking very much from their own experiences and perspectives (younger stepmother, father remarrying first, etc.). These were interesting, but not authoritative or entirely generalizable. It also sometimes seemed that the fundamental issue with which the authors were dealing was the mother's feelings of being threatened by the logical consequence of having left her husband--his remarriage and formation of a new family which includes his child. On that issue,I found it interesting that the authors implied that a mother's intensely possessive feelings, and inability to control the resultant difficult (controlling, rude, threatened) behaviors, were natural, an entitlement of motherhood. Examples the authors give are: the mother's worrying, from the birth of her child, that "another woman" would someday take him away (does he belong to her?); being unable to tolerate any demonstrations of affection between her son and his stepmother (the authors counsel stepmothers not to greet or part from their stepchildren affectionately in front of their mother); a mother's likely anger at seeing the stepmother attend school functions with the child's father, and believing that the stepmother should not take part in any school activities without the mother's permission (even when both the father and child want her to). It is difficult to see how these suggestions "put the kids first," as the authors repeatedly counsel, and whether they are realistic and fair to all. Finally, there was little attribution of parallel types of feelings and behaviors to fathers who must watch their children interact with stepfathers, and indeed the father/stepfather dyad seems a less troubled one than mother/stepmother--with BEING a stepmother credited as the most difficult "step" role. One wonders whether an underlying societal attitude that the mother is somehow the more dominant parent gives implicit permission to mothers to act out their feelings, and whether this truly serves the needs of children--particularly those who grow up, loved by all parents, in two separate families.
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
TheStepfamilyLife - Review of Step-Wives, March 12, 2004
Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn were the best of enemies for ten years. Then they learned how to put the struggle behind them and unite for the sake of raising a great kid. Dubbed the original "co-Mamas," Lynne and Louise write from experience about their struggles to understand, communicate and get along. They partnered with family therapist Marjorie Vego-Krausz to assemble this book and their ten step program for moving your stepwife relationship beyond antagonism.One of the things that I liked about this book is that it pointed out - in glaring honesty - the natural hostility found in the stepmother/ex-wife relationship. So often many of us, bruised by awkwardness, just don't want to admit that we are two women trying to share a space originally carved out for one. So we dance politely sidestep the true issues, all the while misunderstanding what the other says and layering onto our relationships years of acrimony and pain. Louise and Lynne describe the turf battles familiar to many stepmoms and ex-wives. Lynne is the ex-wife of Greg - Louise is the woman who replaced Lynne. Lynne describes going into a rage when Louise would volunteer at school with her son Evan's class. Lynne recalls feeling like Louise was just waiting "to pounce" on her and reclaim her old life. How can the two get along? The first thing the authors do is offer some subtle vocabulary switches. Let's be honest - when you hear the words ex-wife and stepmom together in a sentence your first thought is cat fight. "Step-wife" is a term coined for the book and used interchangeably for both stepmoms and ex-wives when both are being discussed together. So how do the "step-wives" keep the peace? According to these former family warmongers, it's not easy to bury the hatchet and get along, but they've devised a ten-step plan (known by the acronym PRESCRPTON) that can yield results: P - Put the kids first. R - Respect each other. E - Empathize and acknowledge feelings. S - Set limits and boundaries. C - Claim your own baggage. R - Remember realistic expectations. P - Problem-solve. T - Talk and communicate effectively. O - Organize consistently. N - Nurture yourself. PRESCRPTON may seem simplistic, and the actual chapter space devoted to explaining it is fairly limited. However, the authors draw together several topics affecting stepmother and ex-wives and explain how to apply PRESCRPTON to real-life situations. They cover some of the most sticky subjects common to stepfamilies - telling your stepchildren when a new baby is on the way, deciding if an ex should attend the funeral of an in-law, dealing with drug abuse or mental illness, and sorting out disciplinary differences between households. Suggestions on how to get along and draw boundaries will be much appreciated by stepfamilies trying to delineate roles. They recommend at least a "basic 5" for interaction between step-wives at public events. The "basic 5" are: (1) smile, (2) make eye contact, (3) say "hello, _______(her name)," (4) be aware of your body language (5) if others are present then introduce and include your step-wife in the conversation. They point out that these basic courtesies are often ignored in stepfamilies still reeling from emotional upheaval but that everyone should be able to manage at least simple civilities. One of the book's strengths is that it shows the reader how to see the points of view felt by others in the stepfamily equation. A chapter on the man in the middle examines the plight of the ex-husband/new husband and identifies common coping strategies men employ to stay out of the cross-fire. Throughout the book, ex-wives and stepmoms are encouraged to empathize with each other and their respective situations. Each chapter addresses stepmoms and ex-wives individually with recommendations and comments. A chapter on second wife syndrome (which afflicts ex-wives) and ex-wife envy (a stepmom illness) discuss the feelings of jealousy common to "step-wives" of all stripes. When the chapter on in-laws recommended that stepmoms should be allowed to go to Thanksgiving dinner without their husband's ex-wife looming over the turkey, I was ready to stand up and cheer! At the same time, I also learned to empathize more with my husband's ex-wife and her situation by reading this book. This book holds plenty of insight and wisdom for any one involved in a stepfamily. The authors recommend that stepmoms and ex-wives both read the book and then have a meeting to outline boundaries. Even if you can't get your "step-wife" to read the book or apply the steps, you will still benefit from it.
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11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Great ideas, but it DOES take two to tango..., August 23, 2006
I bought this book very shortly after it was published when I saw the authors on some morning talk show, and voraciously read every page in search of the magic solution to the problems between me and my husband's ex.
Some background: Like Louise, I became a stepmom at a tender young age with none of the proverbial "baggage" to speak of - no ex-husband, no kids. And thus, no parenting experience. To say I was unaware of the issues surrounding divorce, however, would be untrue: My parents divorced when I was 10, and I was one of the truly lucky kids whose parents both remarried wonderful people, each with one child of their own, who provided very stable, happy homes for me and all of my siblings (in fact, my two sets of parents are going on 23 and 16 years of marriage now!). My husband, on the other hand, is eight years older than me, and his daughter was just 2 when we met, a year after his divorce. His ex-wife is 2 years older than him, and despite her hastily initiating and persuing their divorce and remarrying just a year later, she has a long and troubling history of trying to insert herself in our business and control everything about their joint-custody situation. To make things more interesting, she behaves like she has multiple personality disorder in her dealings with us - and we never knew which one we were going to get! One minute she goes on ad nauseum about how lucky she and her daughter are that I'm her "other mom," and the next she's calling to complain (to my husband) that I wouldn't let their daughter go outside, in the dead of winter in 30 degree weather, wearing just her nightgown so she could ask her father the same question I'd just answered for her (which she wanted to do because my answer was "no"). Believe me - I was desperately searching for something that would help me in this situation!
So, I read the book, and felt like I had finally found some tools I could work with. Honestly, I felt so energized and optimistic in the aftermath of reading this book, that I immediately bought a second copy, which I inscribed with a very nice message to my "comama," telling her that I hoped we, too, could find the strength and grace to move past our issues with each other and raise the little girl we both cared about in the best way possible. I gave it to my comama after one of my stepdaughter's school functions, and she was all appreciative of this gesture and promised to read it and get in touch so we could talk about it, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I never heard a word from her about it after that, and absolutely nothing changed. Did she ever read the book? I can't say for sure. My best guess is that she DID read it but saw none of herself in Lynn, and so the whole message was lost on her!
So, while she has continued to be bizarre, meddling and controlling, we've set our boundaries and enforced them, and we try to minimize the damage she does as much as possible, both for ourselves and our little boy, and for my husband's now 10-year old daughter.
My point is as much as I had hoped that the tips in this book would be the answer to our problems, you really DO need both comamas to be on board to make the concepts work. Both women have to be mature and willing enough to put their differences aside if this is to work. I am living proof that one woman alone cannot change the actions of another, no matter how much she may wish it so.
To all the other stepmoms out there, I wish you the very best of luck! I know it's not easy and that the road can be very, very long (and full of some serious potholes) at times, but you've got to have faith that it's all worthwhile in the end. Good luck!
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