Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)

by Shirley P. Glass (Author), Jean Coppock Staeheli (Contributor) "GOOD PEOPLE in good marriages are having affairs..." (more)
Key Phrases: scoring key, extramarital triangle, betrayed partner, The Story of Your Marriage, We're Just Friends, The Story of the Affair (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Refusing to pander to audiences expecting Dr. Phil-type quick fixes, Glass (who has appeared on Oprah herself) chooses "a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach" to a subject she contends is fraught with public and professional misconceptions. Drawing on research studies (her own and others') and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma. Glass's credentials and commitment lend this book credence as a valuable resource; Staeheli's easy, personable style and the well-organized format make it user-friendly, too.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review
Pat Love, Ed.D. author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy A must-read for anyone whoever hopes to be happy in long-term relationship. -- Review

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Product Details

• Paperback: 448 pages
• Publisher: Free Press (February 3, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743225503
• ISBN-13: 978-0743225502
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.6 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars See all reviews (72 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #2,957 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

226 of 234 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars One of the Best Books on this Subject, April 7, 2004

By	Summer Destiny "Sudybelle" (Fort Worth, Texas United States) - See all my reviews

I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over. Everyone "thought I knew"....I did not, although I knew we were having trouble. I just thought it would work itself out. It did, but that was because my husband ended the affair. You can't be "friends" with two women or men on the level it takes to have an intimate relationship. Let me say that I have a PhD in Nursing, am faculty at a large university in the Southwest and am very knowledgeable about family relationships. I did not "know" my husband was having an affair with a woman he called "just my friend"( I can't really say if I was in denial or not, but that doesn't seem valid to me). The affair lasted off and on for about six years. My life, and the lives of our children were "hell" during this time, for lack of a better word. Dr. Glass correctly states that if you are better friends with another person than your spouse, you have opened yourself up to be more intimate with another person than the one you vowed to cherish. If you are to be in a satisfied, committed relationship, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is frought with complications. You can't be "loyal" to two men or women at the same time ( This is particularly difficult for me to say, because I have always regarded myself as a feminist. The problem is the other woman was not, and wanted my husband.) This is my opinion, based on information I have gathered professionally and personally, but I believe in Dr. Glass' work and I think it is meaningful. I have read just about everything written about the subject of infidelity, and this book helped my husband (who read it also) and me more than any information did before or since. I wish anyone who is suffering from the pain of infidelity (regardless of the side of the fence they are on) peace.

128 of 137 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Described my situation exactly!, November 22, 2004

By	BookWorm1234 (San Diego, CA USA) - See all my reviews

I'm surprised by the negative feedback. I wonder if these people have ever experienced an affair? I, unfortunately, had to experience the horror of my husband having an affair. I can honestly say that I saw myself and my husband in almost ALL of this book... can't say much about the OW since I don't give a darn about her... but if it was so on the mark with my husband and I, it most likely is with her... (I admit I skipped that chapter on HER since I don't care at all about what she was feeling as she seduced a married man. I know it went both ways, but I know she made many many phone calls to him and kept the communication between them wide open to make him feel she was so trustworthy and full of wisdom).

I knew the signs and felt them coming. This book helps one see what kind of relationships could snowball - as it did in our situation. I felt uncomfortable when they went on a business trip together (which started everything) and felt something wasn't right when he went to lunch with her so often. That's how it all began! Then IMing, emails, phone calls, late nights at work, early mornings BEFORE work... the list goes on and on. Ladies, keep your eyes open all the time. I thought my husband would be the last person on earth who would cheat on me, but he did. He talked to her about all our problems and of course, she could relate to it and explain why she divorced... made it seem like the right thing to do since our marriage was "over" anyway. How she could convince him when he had a brandnew baby (6 wks & 3 yrs) at home and how he could ever think that it is a good time to leave is beyond me. He said, "It's never the perfect time to leave." HA Sounds like something a woman would say if she were trying to convince someone to leave their wife! He was gone for 8 weeks when he saw just what he was loosing and he came home finally to the relief of everyone. This book has been a godsend to me during this time. I can relate to every emotion Shirley Glass describes about the betrayed partner. I've recommended this book to all my married friends so they can read and know what to watch for (I don't think they think it could happen to them - just like I thought!). It can happen to anyone and it doesn't start out, like she explains, as two people intending on having an affair, but when the conditions are right, things happen.

64 of 66 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Book on Affairs, August 12, 2003

By	Carol Ummel Lindquist,Ph.D. "Carol" (Laguna Beach, Ca USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Not "Just Friends" : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Hardcover)

I am a clinical psychologist,a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes.
I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair that she would be judgemental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some mariages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage. She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.