The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "Please forgive me..." (more)
Key Phrases: completing relationships, hospice team, four things, The Four Thins, Grandma Grace, Susan Armstrong (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review

Zorba Paster, M.D. Author of The Longevity Code, host of public radio's Zorba Paster on Your Health, and host of the public television special How to Live a Long, Sweet Life The Four Things That Matter Most provides simple, insightful words and stories that move the heart and the soul. Dr. Byock shows us a graceful way to nurture relationships and heal those that need mending. -- Review

Review

Caroline MyssAuthor of Sacred Contracts, Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, and Anatomy of the Spirit The Four Things That Matter Most is a book of commonsense wisdom that has the power to dynamically change your life. It is a pleasure to recommend a book that encourages you to transform the quality of your life in simple ways that actually work.

Maggie CallananCoauthor of Final GiftsA tender read I highly recommend. The Four Things That Matter Most offers simple but solid solutions for healing our complex and fragile relationships -- wisdom that will surely enrich our lives.

Larry Dossey, M.D. Author of Healing Beyond the Body, Reinventing Medicine, and Healing Words For anyone who believes that years of therapy are required for transforming relationships with others, this book will come as a pleasant surprise. Great wisdom has always been simple -- that is why it is elusive -- and great wisdom is what this book contains.

Joan Halifax, Ph.D.Author, Buddhist teacher, anthropologist, founder and director of Ojai Foundation, and founder, Upaya FoundationIra Byock's compassionate and important work in the field of dying has given him the four great treasures of love and freedom that all of us can use throughout our life. This wonderful book opens the doors to these jewels of compassion.

Zorba Paster, M.D.Author of The Longevity Code, host of public radio's Zorba Paster on Your Health, and host of the public television special How to Live a Long, Sweet Life The Four Things That Matter Most provides simple, insightful words and stories that move the heart and the soul. Dr. Byock shows us a graceful way to nurture relationships and heal those that need mending.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 240 pages
• Publisher: Free Press; 1 edition (March 2, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743249097
• ISBN-13: 978-0743249096
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.8 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (15 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #16,248 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

53 of 53 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Lessons for the living learned from the dying, October 5, 2004

By	Deborah Girard "Circle of Life Hospice" (Reno, NV) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I have been working in the field of end of life care for 30 years as a nurse, and now, as the owner of my own hopsice program. When people say, "How can you do this work? Isn't is depressing?", I can only say, the dying have taught me how to live. Dr. Byok's book presents the lessons that we learn from the dying in a poetic and beautiful way. It is evident from his writing that his life expereince, both personally and professionaly, have allowed him to capture in prose what the dying teach us. I live my life as though there is a truck around every corner and if anyone says to me "I am dying" I say me too!" Now, what are we going to do to live in the face of this expereince called death? Dr. Byok's book has captured the simplicity of living each day in the fullness of love, gratitude and forgiveness. All that matters in life is our relationship with self, others, and a power greater than ourselves. This book helps to maintain wholeness in each of those areas. A nursing friend of mine who was dying once said,"Death is like any other journey but it is one we unpack for." Each day we live we can "unpack" a little more if we follow the lessons gleaned from Dr. Byok's wisdom. AND, for those who think that this is a book about dying, THINK AGAIN! I know from my personal experience that when my life upon this earth concludes I will have no regrets and will leave in peace becaue I already practice the four things that matter most each and every day. Thank you Dr. Byok for sharing your wisdom.

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars You MUST READ THIS BOOK!, October 3, 2007

By	Kathleen - See all my reviews

2 days ago I spent 2 hours with my mother who is sick and not expected to live to much longer.

I haven't spent time with her like that for 17 years.

Over the years there have been so many misunderstandings, cross words, mean letters, siblings fighting and talking about each other and I honestly thought it was hopeless. I thought I would never see my mother again. Ever. It was a MESS!

But, it became obvious with lots of work and support over the years that what I wanted most was to tell my mom I love her and how much I appreciate all she has done for me. My severe depression was based on the thought that I literally thought that was impossible.

A few weeks ago, I (well, we) decided it didn't matter the outcome; I had to tell her anyway. I was prepared for the worst. I wrote out the scenarios and read them to my husband and therapist. They helped me visualize and come to grips with how I would handle whatever the outcome would be. Of course part of me really wanted it to go well but no one thought it would.

6 days ago, while preparing I found this book online. I immediately went to the library and got it (only because I couldn't buy it in time! We were leaving in 3 days!!)

I read the entire book that night. OH my gosh. I cried and cried and cried. I prayed that I would have an experience that was good. But I knew I probably wouldn't. But something Dr. Byock said several times about how your loved ones will always live within you struck me. And I knew that is exactly what was driving me crazy.

I KNEW I loved my mom. I KNEW she had done so much for me and THAT'S what I wanted in my heart. That's it. I don't want anymore sadness and hate. I don't want to be confused. I love my mom and that's what I want to feel in my heart and that's what I wanted her to feel in her heart.

So, I had already written a letter to her, but I adapted it to incorporate the 4 things. I bought some beautiful paper and I decorated it. I printed some pictures of her grandchildren. I did it all with only love. All I thought about was I love my mom and even if she can't hear it I know it. I love her and I forgive her and I pray she forgives me. I don't care what anyone else in the family thinks. Maybe she won't want to see me. I'll leave her the letter. I'll put it on the doorstep. I'll pray that someone will give it to her. If she can't read it I'll pray that someone will read it to her. And if not, I made a copy for myself to remind me of how much I love my mom and appreciate all she did for me.

I read the book again the next day (5 days ago). I was so scared to go see her but I knew my only option was to just show up. If I involved anyone else in the family it would become a big drama or I might be talked out of it.

As we drove up even though I was filled sometimes with dread to face the worst, I kept the 4 things in mind always. That's it. That's what it comes down to. Nothing else matters. I told my friends about the 4 things (our best friends who we stopped to stay the night with before I went the rest of the trip.) I wasn't excited or happy about going to my parents house, but I knew I had too.

I was able to visualize that there would be NO drama no matter what - because I would focus ONLY on the 4 things. If someone else in the family happened to be there and wanted to create drama I wouldn't engage because all I cared about was "I love you, Please forgive me, Thank you and I forgive you." And to be honest, I was afraid BEFORE I READ YOUR BOOK that I would want to create drama.

Well, God was on our side.

I drove up just as my dad was bringing my mom back from the doctor.

One of my sisters was walking over to help her out of the car. She saw me and after a few seconds recognized me. I told her all I wanted to do was to tell mom I love her and to ask her to please forgive me for all the hurt feelings. I told her to ask mom if it was OK for me to come in. She said it was a miracle.......

Then I spent 2 lovely hours with my mom, my dad and my sister. The biggest miracle and what I will FOREVER BE GRATEFUL FOR is I was most with my mom. I wanted my mom to know how much I loved her and how grateful I was for her and for what she did for me and my sons. I was able to share with HER my love and my appreciation for the life she gave me and the gifts she bestowed on me and my sons. And because I was clear in my intentions of the 4 things and not all clouded up with past judgments and hurts I could COMMUNICATE THAT 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think my mom will be around for while and I am going to arrange for my grown sons to visit her. I will remain committed to the 4 things with her and the rest of my family.

No matter what happens in the future I have those 2 hours with my mom. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me.

I recommend this book to everyone.

21 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Living fully, April 30, 2004

By	W. Bury (Warner, NH United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Too often in the midst of our everyday lives, we neglect to tell the people who mean the most to us how much we care. In this book, Dr. Byock gently shows us how to heal from even profound separations from the people who have touched our lives.

After reading this book, I feel that I am able to express my gratitude to friends and family daily. I try not to hold onto negative experiences and have forgiven some grudges that were years old.

Thank you, Dr. Byock.