Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (Paperback)

by Alfie Kohn (Author) "I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children..." (more)
Key Phrases: conditional parenting, love without strings attached, unconditional parents, Thomas Gordon, Alice Miller, Martin Hoffman (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally—that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. (Mar.)Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the "whys" and not just the "hows" of raising kids.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review
"Powerful alternatives to help children become their most caring, responsible selves."-- Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .

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Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Atria; 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed edition (March 28, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743487486
• ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars See all reviews (71 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #11,608 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

31 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A much-needed shift in thinking about parenting, July 9, 2006

By	Mark S. Meritt (Red Hook, NY USA) - See all my reviews

This is perhaps one of the most important books I've read.

It makes a strong case for why both punishment/criticism/consequences and rewards/praise not only are ineffective in getting kids to do what we want but also cause lasting harm to kids' development. It provides many great insights toward alternatives, all flowing from the idea that we must unconditionally meet children's needs, that this is how we can give kids a solid foundation upon which to develop healthfully.

Yet the book is certainly not about being a pushover as a parent. The punishment/reward opposites it criticzes are distinguished as, themselves, just one side of another pair of dysfunctional parenting opposites. They are just different ways to use power to control kids. On the other hand is permissiveness, which is also ineffective. The book makes clear that it is both possible and necessary to be a parent, to set boundaries, and that it's simply a question of how one does so, respecting kids as human beings and seeking to work with them toward positive ends rather than do things to them that can't possibly move them toward the ends we want.

UP sheds a great amount of light on parenting, education and, if one is willing to extend its ideas, communication in general, even among adults. On top of all this, it is an easy and enjoyable read.

For those already interested in approaches such as attachment parenting, unschooling, positive discipline, etc., this book is a must read, giving perhaps the broadest picture possible about why these various approaches are so necessary and providing ways for people to make connections among them.

For anyone who is a parent of a child of any age, for anyone who relates with kids of any age, and really for anyone who wants to improve their communication and their relationships in general, I highly recommend that you find an opportunity to read this book soon.

76 of 89 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Thought provoking, but not helpful, January 3, 2007

By	Tracy L. Hass "CGKSMOM" (CT) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I found the book very interesting, and it challenged many of my guiding premises about parenting. I had always considered myself a patient, loving Mom..But Alfie set me straight!! No, seriously..I agree with him that it is necessary to consider a child's needs, valuable to consider their feelings, and important to respect them as individuals....But, there is a lot to be said for controlling their behavior and avoiding bedlam in your home. He equates allowing children to experience natural consequenses with punishing and spanking..all tantamount to withdrawal of love..and he goes too far.
I'm glad I've read it, and would reccomend it as PART OF a parenting library...But the ideals presented are not realistic, as the author himself admits when he says that he uses consequenses when absolutly needed. I like the concept that our goal as parents should be studied, and our parenting choices should fit that goal. there is value in this book..But it's far from a "How To" raise great people kind of book..Lots of theory and condemnation of current practices..and lots to think about.

48 of 56 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Best parenting book ever!, October 3, 2005

By	Leslie Rook - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (Hardcover)

I was compelled to write a review for the first time on Amazon after being so shocked to see the negative reviews for this marvelous book. Alphie Kohn is the first (that I know of) to put not only himself as a parent but also the whole body of parenting advice literature in a critical light. His own humble advice is simple and logical but, at the same time, nothing less than earth-shattering. It puts the whole concept of parenting under the microscope and makes us ask ourselves whether our ideas are ethical, or even practical. I have now seen my children blossom under the respect I have been able to give them after reading this book without fear of losing my "authority." I found that my children are even more able to show me the respect I need as a mother and a person, when they are being respected themselves. This means taking their needs and feelings seriously, as seriously as we take our friend's or spouse's needs. What a simple concept, but oh so threatening to most of us who are deeply afraid of those shopping-mall tantrums and bad reports from teachers. It takes a lot of courage for parents to shut out the rest of the world, with its judgements and expectations, and relate directly with the small, but equally valuable, person that is our child. What scares so many parents is the idea of losing control, and this fear comes through in negative reviews. What a sad reflection on us as "big people" and as a civilized society, where everyone, except of course the young, have equal rights for respect, dignity and freedom.