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15 of 18 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Just what DO I really expect anyway?, October 30, 2000
Ah. A good question. The problem, you see, is that I am battling a life-long obsession with marine creatures with specific concentrations on the great white shark and giant squid. So I, admittedly, rather stupidly, plunk down my ten dollars anytime I see large teeth or tentacles on the cover of anything. This cannot be a good thing.I have read JAWS. I have read BEAST. I have even partaken of EXTINCT. I am an idiot. Now, just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse in the prose waters, Steven Alten trudges along with MEG and THE TRENCH. My question to you, dear reader, is, when will I learn? They are, quite possibly, (and please feel free to include all of the above-listed oceanic masterpieces on this list), the worst things I've ever read. Oh, ho! What didn't I like about them? Why that's like reflecting light into a mirror. I bounce it right back to you. The real question is, is there anything I did like about them? Well for pure comedic purposes: I love how news of a marauding, 70 foot prehistoric killing machine, doesn't reach the country of Canada, presumably because we have not the technology to listen to news reports, even though it's, quite celarly, a path the beast is following. I love when semi-annoying children are gobbled in front of their apathetic sister's eyes. Explain that one to dad, honey. I love how the creature would have to use it's baby front teeth to nibble the head off of the poor upside-down underwater-photographing kayaker, so as not to create a wake and play a pretty mean-spirited joke on her husband when he flips her over. I love the speed of the submersibles, and their miraculous ability to withstand quick-changing oceanic pressures and hard hitting sea monsters. I love how the shark is unhappy wth his kayaker-meal, and reaks havac on a nearby coastal restaurant , (staffed by the world's most obnoxious french waiter), stilted in waters that could not possibly be deep enough to actually swim in. I love the sadistic latin/philosophy-spewing villain, his equally sadistic lover, and their meditations on the trials of life. I learned quite a bit from these moments about myself, my friends and my loved-ones. And the villain's dumb-as-nails Russian henchman. Him, I love too. I love that the deep-trench sea creatures have a good sense of ironic and comedic timing when they decide to attack their victims straying to far to the subersibles opening. I love how the esteemed Dr. Taylor sets the record for shark-attack victims, (four, I believe) in one week and recovers a day or two later. I believe in Mr. Alten's universe, a shark attack is very much like a bee-sting if you are the hero of a novel: pull a tooth out and lie down for a few hours. If you're a mischievous teenage, however, or evil scientist, you're mulch. Of course there is more. There is more on every single darn page. That's the problem. So there it is. I hate it. Kill me, if you will. On the other hand, it is also perhaps the funniest thing I've ever read. So read it. Please. I greatly look forward to either Mr. Benchley or Mr. Alten's take on sea-horses or jelly fish. I believe they should, respectively, be called SEA HORSE and JELLY FISH.
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