Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "I FREQUENTLY SPEAK WITH PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DO NOT WANT ANY SERVICES held when they die..." (more)
Key Phrases: soul sketch, committal ceremony, parenchyma cells, Sara Jane, Chaplain Sanders, North Carolina (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This book is a treasure for religious leaders and ordinary people who face the challenges of grief and mourning. Without offering pat answers, religious dogma or platitudes of any kind, the author, a Unitarian-Universalist minister who has served congregations for 18 years, provides heartfelt stories and wise words to guide the reader through the many kinds of issues that surface when a loved one has died. She speaks eloquently of the need to give authentic expression to grief and offers practical guidelines for planning a memorial service that involves the mourners and suits the unique context and person whose life is being remembered. Her chapter on the difficulty of making decisions in the face of death equips the reader to help others make hard choices when they feel most overwhelmed and vulnerable. Her discussion of "family ties and family lies" is refreshingly realistic, yet compassionate. York also reminds readers to acknowledge the need for rituals for the first year and beyond, rather than submitting to our culture's pressure to quickly return to life as usual. She provides a broad spectrum of resources, including poetry, suggestions for ritual and wisdom from various religious traditions. This valuable guide will prove particularly helpful for those who do not identify with any one religious tradition, yet are looking for a spiritually vital way of coping with their grief. (Oct.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

No one dies opportunely, nor are the bereaved, no matter how much a death is anticipated, ever truly prepared. Thus memorial services are usually created at a time of stress and loss. When religion provides safe harbor, it is possible to simply defer to tradition. But increasingly, families want something more than a canned service with a minister mouthing conventional reassurances. They want something that expresses the uniqueness of the deceased. In addition, a large number of Americans find no comfort in traditional religion. For them, a standard religious service is deeply inappropriate. York offers sage advice for both types of mourner. A Unitarian Universalist minister, she addresses life's ending in a direct and moving way. Emphasizing that memorial services are a necessary part of the grieving process, she leads the reader through questions both practical, such as whether to inter or scatter ashes, and emotional, such as how to acknowledge violence and anger. Dozens of stories of individual rituals serve as inspiring examples of how a uniquely fitting memorial--one that will bond and sustain those left behind--may be crafted. Patricia Monaghan
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 216 pages
• Publisher: Jossey-Bass; 1 edition (August 15, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0787955078
• ISBN-13: 978-0787955076
• Product Dimensions: 7.1 x 7.1 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #242,983 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

17 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The importance of "remembering well", May 28, 2001

By	L. Feld "lowkell" (Arlington, VA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

"Remembering Well" is a book about certain subjects -- death and dying, funerals, bereavement and the grieving process - that don't exactly make you want to rush out and read about them. Yet Sarah York, a Unitarian Universalist minister with a tremendous amount of experience, knowledge, and -- even more importantly -- wisdom regarding death, dying, grieving, and "remembering well," has succeeded in writing a book that is at once practical, powerful, poignant, moving, even inspiring.

At its heart, "Remembering Well" is not so much about death and dying as it is about life, living, love, and memory. Perhaps its most important lesson is the necessity of allowing time and "sacred space" for those who have experienced a loss to be able to "give voice to their sorrow" and to "remember well" the person who has died. In Sarah York's view, and I couldn't agree more, suppressing strong feelings, or glossing over them, is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it's very unhealthy and really just asking for trouble down the road. Unfortunately, I have personally been to funerals where almost every one of Sarah York's rules has been violated, where the service was utterly impersonal, or where the religious official running the service took the opportunity to try and impose their religious perspective on the audience, leaving many people (myself included) unsatisfied and even angry.

The bottom line here is that although it is not a simple matter to "remember well," it certainly can be done. If you want to find out how, Sarah York's book is a great place to start. I strongly recommend it to everyone!

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Memories..., September 11, 2003

By	FrKurt Messick "FrKurt Messick" (Bloomington, IN USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 10 REVIEWER)

Death is one of the most traumatic experience in our lives. Even the deaths of strangers affects us in unusual, sometimes unpredictable ways. The death of those close to us, family and friends, can leave us with questions, emotions and emptiness hard to comprehend. Yet, there are ways to deal with these; religion has rituals, families have traditions, cultures have cycles, allowances and expectations, yet we still need more.

This book by Sarah York puts an order to the chaos. Written primarily for those in caring professions (pastors and priests, health-care workers, etc.) or even for those who have expectation for the approaching death of friends or family members, the book can be rewarding to any reader, as death is one of the facts of life we will all face in a myriad of ways.

York infuses her discussions with her personal experiences as well as professional experiences. She talks about the various ways in which religion looks to care for the departed as well as those left behind, in terms of memorials, committals, and other services. She also looks at the emotional and relationship aspects, both when family and friends are close-knit as well as when there are distances and estrangements.

Through stories of people, York teaches and guides by example. She shows the specifics of how to help in the case of a suidice, the death of an infant, a death due to illness, and more. She helps to show how to carve out a space for the family and friends, the wider community, and for the presence of God in the midst of sometimes bewilderingly tragic situations.

The final chapter looks at the 'seasons of grief' -- some religions, such as Judaism, have prescribed patterns or rituals to follow for up to a year after the death; in fact, the death of a person stays with us for the rest of our lives, and the more significant the relationship, the more significant that season can be, and more long-lasting in daily life and functioning. While the specific rituals of Judaism cannot appropriately be used out of context of the community and hold the same meaning, the pattern of activity and the pastoral/psychological way in which they function can be easily adapted.

York offers three sections of resources, which make this book practical and useful. Prayers, readings, blessings, service forms, even the idea for a 'no-memorial wanted' practice serves to stimulate ideas for the creative and meaningful way in which observe and remember.

York's final story in the epilogue is very touching, an almost concrete way of showing how we carry forward those who have passed away in our own lives.

This is a stunning book, thoughtful and sensitive, useful and prayerful. My life has been enriched simply through the reading of this text; it will be even more enriched when the times come that they guide my practices and my experiences.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Oddly, a perfect gift, October 12, 2000

By	Anna Di Stefano (Santa Barbara, CA USA) - See all my reviews

I purchased the book because I had attended a number of services performed/facilitated by Sarah York. I immediately read Chapter Four and it helped me think things through for myself BEFORE a crisis or difficult time. Then, oddly enough, an event occurred which led me to buy it as a gift for a dear friend. Her mother died after a week's illness and she found herself responsible for planning the memorial service. I was happy to be able to give her something so helpful. I am tempted to keep a small supply of the book handy since these are issues that will inevitably confront many/most of us!