Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage (Hardcover)

by Susan Page (Author) "Spiritual Partnership is a new model for couples, a different understanding of the purpose of loving relationships and how they work..." (more)
Key Phrases: life agenda items, demanding comments, practicing restraint, Spiritual Partnership, Stage Two, Right Relationship (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review
"Page has the rare ability to bring the spiritual down to earth and apply it to everyday situations. Her writing is clear, and her suggestions are easy to follow." (Library Journal, July 15, 2006)

Review
"Susan Page has done it again—brilliantly! Never before have I been so convinced that actions speak louder than words. Think about this irony—a spiritual partnership that requires only one person to make it work."
—Stephen R. Covey, author, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness

"Clearly, a cutting-edge book! Page offers a new paradigm for couples that she calls Spiritual Partnership. Taking issue with much marital therapy based on communication, conflict resolution, and problem solving, she encourages partners to view their relationship as a spiritual practice. A fresh and challenging approach! I recommend this book to all couples."
—Harville Hendrix, author, Getting the Love You Want and coauthor (with Helen LaKelly Hunt), Receiving Love

"This book is simply wonderful."
—Christiane Northrup, M.D., author, Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

"If you’ve ever said, ‘I talk until I’m blue in the face,’ or ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times,’ it’s time to quit reciting the same old thing and read this book! It offers fail-proof, loving, action-oriented methods for getting through to your spouse and creating more connection and intimacy. With Page’s down-to-earth, simple-to-implement tools, you will quickly see that when it comes to relationship change, it’s easier done than said!"
—Michele Weiner-Davis, author, Divorce Busting

"Susan Page presents a strong case that actions speak louder than words. Far from being hard to do, Susan Page’s ideas are hard not to do, once you have been introduced to them. I highly recommend this book!"
—Anthony Robbins, author, Awaken the Giant Within and Unlimited Power

"This is a clear and practical presentation of how to bring spiritual principles into everyday relationships. Susan Page presents essential information that will help every couple create more love and harmony in their life."
—Barbara DeAngelis, author, How Did I Get Here?

"I love this book! It is truly a treasure. Susan courageously shows us why we need to stop talking about problems and start taking loving action. She clearly describes the actions we need to take to create loving, spiritually growing relationships. If you are having problems in your relationship, or you want to make your relationship even better than it is, read this book!"
—Margaret Paul, coauthor, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You? and Healing Your Aloneness; and author, Inner Bonding and Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By God?

"This exciting new book is a gem. It is one of the best presentations I’ve ever seen of how to bring spiritual principles into everyday relationships. Page is not talking about meditating for a weekend but about how to live your spirituality every day. This wonderful book presents a shift in consciousness that will help couples have a great relationship for a lifetime. I strongly recommend this book for all couples and singles who want to be the best possible partner they can be, now and in the future."
†Howard J. Markman, coauthor, 12 Hours to a Great Marriage and Fighting for Your Marriage

"This book describes an entirely new way for intimate partners to relate based on spiritual principles. In clear, simple language, Susan Page offers practical concepts and experiments that can improve your relationship in no time at all."
—Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, authors, Conscious Loving and Spirit-Centered Relationships

"This book is like the Buddha channeled by Ann Landers! As a pastor, I have given away many copies of this book to people struggling in intimate relationships—and I’ve used it in my own marriage. There are many classics of spiritual wisdom and many nuts-and-bolts self-help books on relationships. Susan Page brilliantly combines the two. Her gift is to translate spiritual ideals into practical, understandable, and eminently achievable goals for everyday living in Spiritual Partnership. Read it, apply the lessons, and transform yourself and your relationship."
—The Rev. Fred Small, senior pastor, First Church Unitarian, Littleton, Massachusetts

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Jossey-Bass (April 21, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0787983705
• ISBN-13: 978-0787983703
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.3 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (19 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #517,178 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

41 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Step-by-step, do-it-yourself guide to making your marriage better, May 11, 2006

By	L.N. Letich "lnletich" (New Market, Md. USA) - See all my reviews

This is a very powerful book. It offers a radical notion -- that you can make your marriage a whole lot better, without getting your spouse to do it with you.

Most people probably would think this is either impossible or terribly unfair. But Susan Page argues that if you're unhappy or not getting what you want out of your marriage, you have a whole lot more power to make your marriage better than you ever imagined. In fact, she makes it clear that feeling that power, that sense of control over the emotional quality of your marriage, MORE than makes up for any feeling of how "unfair" it all is that you're the one who's orchestrating the changes.

The "8 Loving Actions" that she talks about are, in fact, ways that one person can change the dynamics of a relationship, turning anger, fear or distance into support and caring. More and more research on marriage shows that it's not "conflict" and the inability to resolve it that breaks up marriage; it's the dysfunctional dance that two people get into, that make them unable to support and soothe one another. This book shows you how to go from being a victim of the dance, constantly getting your feet stepped on, to taking the lead. Eventually your spouse can't help but start trying your new, more enjoyable dance steps.

This probably won't be enough to fix a marriage that's been damaged by drugs, alcohol, constant philandering, or physical abuse (although Susan Page has very useful advice even in those circumstances). But for garden-variety marital unhappiness -- the feeling of being unsupported, or of the marriage having gone stale -- this book is a godsend. It can make the difference between resigning oneself to having a ho-hum marriage that's not really great, but not really bad enough to leave -- and having a marriage that is full of life, and joy, and satisfaction for years to come.

22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Spiritual Partnership, June 27, 2006

By	Diana Lane (Boulder Creek, CA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This book is about developing a "Spiritual Partnership" with your mate. Surprisingly, Susan Page believes that this is possible even if all the effort is coming from only one of the partners. In essence, it's about how to be a spiritual partner yourself. Though it is actually a rewrite of an earlier book (If we're so in love, Why aren't we happy?), it has been augmented and reorganized so that it's even better than before.

After 30 years of marriage, my husband and I have certainly gotten to the point of realizing that more discussion just doesn't help: Most of our issues have been on the table for years. We've discussed them many times, we understand the other person's point of view, and can even empathize to a certain extent. And yet, in the past, when one of these hot-button issues would surface (once again), we would both feel hopeless and demoralized.

This book really helped me to change my focus; and to the extent I have been able to follow through with the "experiments," I've seen improvement--not in getting my husband to finally see things "my way," but in both of us being happier and more comfortable in our relationship.

This is one of the best self-help books about marriage that I have ever read; and although its focus is on couples, I found the approaches it suggests are also helpful in my relationships with my children and co-workers. I have recommended it to many friends and relatives, and their reactions to it have been quite positive as well.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A different approach, with a few caveats..., July 9, 2007

By	Thomas Duff "Duffbert" (Portland, OR United States) - See all my reviews (TOP 50 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage (Paperback)

Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page is one of those books that flies against the conventional advice that's often given when it comes to marriage counseling. But after you get over the "but that can't be right" feeling, there's a lot to be said for her approach.

Content:
Part 1 - What Is Spiritual Partnership?: Introducing Spiritual Partnership; Loving Action 1 - Adopt a Spirit of Good Will; LA 2 - Give Up Problem Solving; LA 3 - Act as If; LA 4 - Practice Restraint; LA 5 - Balance Giving and Taking; LA 6 - Act on Your Own; LA 7 - Practice Acceptance; LA 8 - Practice Compassion
Part 2 - Putting Spiritual Partnership to Work in Your Relationship: Exactly How to Use the Eight Loving Actions; Frequently Asked Questions; Communication Within Spiritual Partnership; Making Mature Judgments
Part 3 - Spiritual Partnership in a Broader Context: Defining the "Spiritual" in Spiritual Partnership; The Future of Spiritual Partnership
References and Further Reading; About the Author

Most self-help books related to marriage dwell on communication... the give and take of negotiation. Page contends that the approach is more adversarial in nature, and basically tries to change something you have no control over: the other person. Instead, she suggests that taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions is much more effective in the long run, as you *can* control yourself. The actions are centered around what's referred to as a "spiritual practice", or the act of looking at your day-to-day interactions as an exercise of your spiritual nature. If you are focusing on making yourself into the best person you can be, then changes in the other person will also flow. These actions, also called experiments, are designed to help you learn what works and what doesn't in your relationship. If you try something and it doesn't work, that's good as you've learned something you didn't know before. It's a different approach to what you normally think of as marriage or relationship counseling, but I can see where it would have benefits over the standard "talk it out" approach.

Where I tend to have issues is with the focus on "if it's authentic for you, it's right" ethic. In this book, she feels that learning you're not right for your mate and splitting is as good an outcome as becoming closer. If you feel that there *are* moral and ethical absolutes, then some of the underlying foundations of what's in here won't resonate with you. Still, looking at the actions and the mindset of "change yourself before trying to change others" has some real value. I've personally always felt that trying to elicit change in others to suit your own self is chancy at best, and futile in most cases...

Definitely worth a read and consideration if the "I gave up something, now why won't they do the same" path isn't working for you...