Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Paperback)

~ William Pollack (Author), Mary Pipher (Foreword) "Adam is a fourteen-year-old boy whose mother sought me out after workshop I was leading on the subject of boys and families..." (more)
Key Phrases: boy code, gender straitjacket, many adolescent boys, United States, African American, Department of Education (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Listening to the author William Pollack read Real Boys, it doesn't take long to find out that being a boy these days isn't all fun and games. As codirector of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical Center, Pollack has seen behind the stoic masks of troubled, modern boys as they struggle to cope with the mixed messages, conflicting expectations, and increasingly complex demands they receive from our evolving society. "New research shows that boys are faring less well ... that many boys have remarkably fragile self-esteem, and that the rates of both depression and suicide in boys are frighteningly on the rise."

What are parents to do? They could start by listening to the author's thoughts on contemporary child-rearing techniques, analysis of the root causes of many male behavior problems, and recommendations for avoiding all-too-common pitfalls. In Real Boys, Pollack draws upon nearly two decades of research to support his theories and makes an impressive assault on the popular myths surrounding the conventional definition of masculinity.

While listening to Real Boys, it is important to remember that Pollack is a psychologist, not a professional narrator. His enunciation is less than perfect and his reading sometimes strikes a clinical tone, but his intelligent writing and the obvious concern he holds for this important subject help carry a passionate message and compensate for any vocal shortcomings. (Running time: three hours, two cassettes) --George Laney --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

In a lucidly written primer for parents, Harvard Medical School psychiatry professor Pollack dismantles what he terms "the Boy Code"?society's image of boys as tough, cool, rambunctious and obsessed with sports, cars and sex. These stereotypes, he argues, thwart creativity and originality in boys. Linking clinical insights to practical suggestions, Pollack advises caregivers how to help boys repair their fragile self-esteem, develop empathy and explore their sensitive sides. Drawing on his clinical experience as well as an ongoing Harvard research project, he offers advice on "attention deficit disorder"? which, he maintains, is often a misdiagnosis for normal high-energy behavior? recognizing signs of depression, discouraging violence and helping boys cope with their parents' divorce. In discussing homosexuality, he notes that many of the assumptions of the psychiatric profession have been shown to be incorrect, such as that homosexuality was abnormal, a psychological disorder. Pollack's glorification of sports as an arena for self-transformation and emotional openness is counterbalanced by his recognition that athletics often encourages brutal competitiveness. His proposal that schools adopt curricula "on traditionally 'male' and 'female' topics" to spark separately the interests of boys and girls seems at odds with his own imperative to break through gender stereotypes. On balance, though, his manual is enlightening and stimulating. Author tour.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 476 pages
• Publisher: Owl Books; 8th ptg edition (April 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0805061835
• ISBN-13: 978-0805061833
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.3 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (117 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #19,739 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

51 of 54 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An eye-opener for all teachers and parents!, May 17, 1999

By A Customer

As the mother of a new baby boy and an elementary school teacher I found this book to be fascinating. Worrying about how to encourage our young boys to express their emotions without being ostracized by their peers is a delicate balancing act. While most of the book deals with school age boys/teenagers I found it most helpful as a teacher. It is the kind of book that made me think, "Yes, I've done that", or "That must have been what Joey was thinking when he did that." Pollack explains nicely the way we, as adults (and especially women) expect men to be sensitive and emotionally in touch but we discourage this behavior in young boys by shaming them for tears or encouraging them to "tough it out". The book provides real case studies from Pollack's work to illustrate how his ideas play out in real life. As a mother I don't have to worry about much of this for a while, but as a teacher I have already begun to rethink things I do and say to my fourth graders every day. A great read!

46 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The Catch-22 of Mothering Boys: Caught in the Middle, February 2, 2000

By	Cheryl H. Litzke, MFT (USA) - See all my reviews

Pollack's treatise of a very important issue is not only a timely one but is on the mark in many ways. Much of this very cogent book carries the basic theme of boys who are very sad, lonely, at risk and out of touch with others. Dr. Pollack wisely points out that when something happens to a girl that is unfair or even traumatic she is socialized to talk to a friend or another girl about it. Boys do not talk to each other about such things except in a competitive way which has to do both with their socialization process as well as their biology. As a family therapist in private practice, an assistant professor at MCP-Hahnemann University 's Department of Mental Health Sciences, I am aware of the many myths surrounding gender - what defines manhood and womanhood. I, too, believe that we are a world in danger of abandoning our important task of raising, caring responsible children. What I notice and wish to be able to address with the author is the way I as a woman and a mother felt that my son was "wretched from me", by a society that does not value close mother-son relationships. My thought is this; the more fathers can be in their sons life nurturing up close as well as guiding them from a distance, the less need there will be to rescue. Unfortunately we live in a society that has a tendency to devalue even denigrate nurturing behaviors. What's more, the two behaviors, fostering independence and nurturing have been seen as two different and separate sorts of things. Nurturing has been equated with molly-coddling. What's up with that? Let's start not just with mothers who seem always to be the persons we blame. Let's consult the media shapers in advertising and industry and do a real campaign. Through this book, "Real Boys", which did so much to open my eyes to the width, depth and breadth of this problem, we have a start. I agree that we have to do something to revise the myths. Bravo, Dr. Pollack.

62 of 68 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Men Are From Earth, Too...., August 1, 2000

By	Quaker Annie "reader" - See all my reviews (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)

Having been blessed with all sons (ages 8 to 32), I've been able to see some of the external conflicts and internal workings as my babies grew into young men. This book supports what I've always suspected - boys are just as needy of nurturing (from both parents) as girls - perhaps more so, since to be emotionally needy and male in America is too often interpreted as a weakness.

During the 70's, I sometimes found it difficult to listen to the angry cries of my feminist sisters (and yes, I think women's minds are of equal value to men's) who too often seem to be accusing men of just being born 'bad,' rather than being formed and influenced by the actions and reactions of people, culture, environment.

We women expect our men (sons, husbands, friends and lovers) to be strong, yet sensitive. Their peers often expect them to be 'a man' - strong, not 'a wuss.' Trapped in a double-bind, most men respond to the heavy peer pressure, and turn off most of their emotions.

When a son hits adolescence, with the body and voice of a grown man, we often think that means he is a man, and should act like one. Without defining clearly what that is (for there are often contradictions), just when they need us most, we set them free in a world that is confusing, demanding, and frightening. (And if you find your self thinking there's nothing wrong with that, since that's what being a man means, I beg you to read this book!)

Little boys are expected to move away from their mother by five or six (to not do so means they'll have 'problems' later in life). When a young boy smacks a friend, we might just throw up our hands and say "boys will be boys." Worse, when an elementary school boy kisses a girl he likes, he may be accused of sexual harrassment.

What is a parent to do? Pollack encourages parents to recognize and support the value in the different styles of parenting found in fathers and mothers - complementary, instead of competitive, styles gives more to the children.

Instead of pushing young boys out early to 'be a man,' Pollack supports parents who allow their children to stay connected - to them, and to their own emotions. He encourages parents to find out what is going on behind those 'it doesn't hurt' looks on faces.

Although written before the Columbine horror, one of the most important parts of this book is the last third, dealing with issues of violence and young men. Suicide, homicide, bullying are rampant (stats are in the book.) Anger is one of the few emotions boys are allowed to express openly - fear and hurt are no-no's for a boy who wants to be a "real man."

This book has been extremely helpful to me, supporting things I've seen my former mother-in-law do - nurture her sons. Too often the idea of a mother nurturing her sons is thought to be emasculating - evidently, the opposite is true. Many fathers, too, will find encouragement in this book - and I suspect since they know more than I ever will about growing up male in America, much of this will ring true to them.

The book isn't perfectly honed - there are portions that have logic that isn't fully explained - but this is a thick, enjoyable read that only hits the tip of the iceberg (he doesn't spend a lot of time on growing up male in different cultures within America - that would be another book in and of itself).

A must read for teachers, social workers, youth leaders, therapists, this book is also a good source of information and consulation for young men and those who love them.