The Alphabet Of Manliness (Hardcover)

by Maddox (Author), Angelo Vildasol (Illustrator), Bryan Douglas (Illustrator)
Key Phrases: tit punch, female wrestling, Chuck Norris, Mona Lisa

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review
Lumberjacks, pirates, and Chuck Norris all agree that there is but one arbiter of manliness, and he has but one name: Maddox. The longtime proprietor of the absurdly popular website, The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox has thoughtfully collected his vast masculine wisdom for the first time in a useful reference work, The Alphabet of Manliness. Since men of course communicate with others only under duress, this book may be the sole resource for those starved for answers about basic manly subjects such as urinal etiquette, road rage, and beef jerky.

We thought that Neil Strauss, who chronicled his own transformation from "half a man" to a "Master Pickup Artist" in the one-of-a-kind bestseller, The Game, might be the perfect expert to assess Maddox's guide, and indeed, he came through with the sharpest take we've yet seen on the book, which you can read below.

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Guest Reviewer: Neil Strauss

Over the past decade, Neil Strauss, former pop music critic for The New York Times, has established himself as the go-to guy for diarists of decadence, collaborating with rockers Marilyn Manson, Mötley Crüe (on the instant trash classic, The Dirt), and Dave Navarro, as well as porn star Jenna Jameson, on a series of witty and frank tales of celebrity excess. And then he stepped out on his own with one of our top-selling books of 2005, The Game, his bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly uplifting memoir of joining a secret society of "Master Pickup Artists." Keep your eye out: he has many more smart and shocking projects on the way.

I am fully convinced after reading the entire A-Z of The Alphabet of Manliness that the author of its 26 essays, Maddox, is a nerd. And not just because he correctly alphabetizes the entries, but because he can recite the names of every Castlevania game, talks about hacking and IP addresses and various mathematical theorems, and has just spent way too much time analyzing in minute detail every aspect of the penis, its functions, and its influence on the male brain. However, Maddox's lack of bulging biceps may actually be a positive thing. Because having him become the symbol and policy-maker of all things alpha male just may be one of the most subversive byproducts of the Internet since file-sharing.

If you are new to the world of Maddox and unfamiliar with his website www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, here's how you will react to the book: When you read the dedication--"to the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me"--you will think for a moment that you have encountered one of the most unlikable narcissists in the world. When he calls a woman a "bitch" on page 2, you may actually begin to hate him. But if you stick with it, by the time you get to the middle of the book and are fully immersed in his over-active, over-systematic, testosterone-addled imagination, you will begin to realize that Maddox just may be the Andy Kaufman of his time, in possession of the driest wit you've ever encountered. The middle of the book also happens to be the home of Maddox's finest essays. In his contribution to the geek canon of Chuck Norris worship, he spuriously notes that Norris uses hippies as firewood, intercepts letters to Santa Claus to use as toilet paper, and eats "bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because Chuck Norris doesn't want to give the Italians the credit."

In general, there are two types of humor in this book: things that are funny because they're wrong ("a pirate's semen is indestructible") and things that are funny because they're right (his entire essay on urinal etiquette).

By the time you get to his views on the quickie, in which he describes a sexual encounter with his girlfriend that involves her never showing up and him passing out drunk and getting robbed, you may be bookmarking his website. And by the time you turn to the last page, you'll be flipping back to the first, reading it again and looking for the jokes you missed because you were too busy being shocked, offended, and slightly titillated. In short, The Alphabet of Manliness just may be one of the smartest paeans to stupidity ever written. --Neil Strauss

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What's more manly than crushing a can against your eye, Maddox-style? Mastered that advanced skill? Move on to Maddox's short quiz below, prepared exclusively for Amazon.com, and find out whether you might be one of the new breed of men, the "hetrosexual."

Straight Is the New Gay

by Maddox

In a world where metrosexuals--stylish, well-groomed, and sharply dressed men--have taken the center stage in defining the new masculinity, small pockets of men are starting to emerge, rebelling against the status quo. This new breed of man has rejected a lifestyle of wine tasting, pedicures, and excessive cultural awareness (i.e., any cultural awareness). This newly born response to metrosexuality is gaining momentum like never before, calling back to a day when men proudly wore plaid, ate liver and onions, and smelled like motor oil by choice. This modern man has come to be known simply as: the hetrosexual.

Hetrosexual men aren't afraid embrace their masculinity. They eat, drink, and sleep like real men: fully engorged. There's no such thing as a "fashion faux-pas" in the world of hetrosexuality. In fact, even the use of the phrase "faux-pas" draws the ire of the hetrosexual man in the form of beatings and social isolation (preferably both). These are men who refuse to be pigeonholed into the constraints of sexual ambiguity, and gladly welcome every opportunity to crotch-wrestle a hot babe. Hetrosexuals are making it cool to be straight again; straight is the new gay.

Think you might be a hetrosexual? Take the following quiz to find out:

1. How much should you tip a hairstylist?

	A) 10%
	B) 15%
	C) 20%

If you answered, you're wrong. Hetrosexuals don't go to hair stylists.

2. Cologne?

	A) Yes
	B) No

The correct answer is B) No. Acceptable fragrances for men are: sweat, grease, rum, or some combination thereof.

3. Which language do you speak?

	A) French
	B) English
	C) Both
	D) Neither

The answer is B) English. French is the language of love, and men don't love anything. At best, there are varying degrees of "like," and even then, men don't like anything that much.

4. When dining at restaurant, you should

	A) Push aside your friends and wrestle over the best seat
	B) Wait until the maitre d' seats you
	C) What's a maitre d'?

The correct answer is A and C. A, because if you don't secure the best spot at the table, you may find yourself in the position of having to engage in small talk with your guest. And C, because of the answer to question 3 above.

If you answered all of the questions correctly, congratulations: you are the winner. The important thing to keep in mind is that you are a man (unless you are not), and nobody can take that away from you.

Product Description
From the publisher:

This is the only sentence in the entire book that will give you a chance to adjust your face; take your time, because it’s about to be rocked off—permanently.

Finally, a book that guarantees your balls will be stomped; a book so manly that it will make even the burliest of men (and in some cases, the burliest of women) feel inadequate. So manly, it needs to be shaved: The Alphabet of Manliness. This collection of sacred writings may very well be the greatest compilation of all things manly throughout history. Here’s a small sample of the ass-kickery found within these revered pages of outright manliness:

People getting drop-kicked in the face

Phallic aggression

Violence in excess of what has come to be known as excessive

Garish disregard for the well-being of children

Contempt for animals, women, and other cultures

Intimidating rhetoric

Obscure penile references

The triumph of flannel over good taste

This book is only for the saltiest, hairiest, most rugged son of a bitch out there. However, it would be selfish to keep it for myself, so feel free to buy a copy. This humble tome of wisdom is a tribute to all men who toil away at work every day, getting their balls busted, or busting balls.

If you can’t handle the punch to the colon I’m about to deliver to you, look on the bright side: you’ll save a fortune on Halloween when kids come to your door to pick apart your candy ass. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with the risk of having your ass neatly packaged and handed to you with all the trimmings, cut the foreplay and crack the book open already.

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Product Details Hardcover: 204 pages Publisher: Citadel Press (May 30, 2006) Language: English ISBN-10: 080652720X ISBN-13: 978-0806527208 Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies) Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (226 customer reviews) Amazon.com Sales Rank: #9,185 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books) Popular in these categories: (What's this?) #32 in  Books > Entertainment > Humor > Love, Sex & Marriage #64 in  Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire, General #68 in  Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire

Front Cover | First Pages | Index | Surprise Me!

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Inside This Book (learn more)

Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
tit punch, female wrestling

Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Chuck Norris, Mona Lisa

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Front Cover | First Pages | Index | Surprise Me!

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Customer Reviews

226 Reviews 5 star:  (160) 4 star:  (33) 3 star:  (18) 2 star:  (9) 1 star:  (6)           Average Customer Review 4.5 out of 5 stars (226 customer reviews)		Share your thoughts with other customers:
Most Helpful Customer Reviews 210 of 240 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars Maddox, the legend, has spoken, March 29, 2006 By  E. Thomson (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)    If you like his web site, if you have ever found yourself laughing out loud at work or school perusing his teachings, then you have to buy this book. Organized into 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet, this is no less than an encyclopedia of manliness written by the Master of Manliness, MADDOX. Each letter is a freaking hilarious elucidation of the conceptual architecture of manliness ("A" is for "Ass Kicking", for instance). Each vignette is between two and six pages long, and many are accompanied by butt-kicking and surprisingly well-crafted illustrations. Buy this book if you like Maddox. If you are a politically correct whiner, and can't handle humor about the sexes, then buy this book and read it twice. You need an injection of humor into your life. 162 of 191 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars THE masterpiece that will be remembered for centuries, May 22, 2006 By  Y. CHENG (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)    We need a serious book review here and here it is: Maddox has always been a controversial figure. You either hate him or love him. "The alphabet of manliness," however, consistent with the usual Maddox style - witty satire and unique approach towards various topics, puts a stronger emphasis on the humor side which I believe is universally funny. The book covers such a wide range of topics that no matter who you are, how you feel about Maddox prior to reading the book, I assure you that you can always get a kick out of the book. I have been Maddox's fan for years. After four hours of diligently studying the book, I am confident to say that this book is the best of Maddox's work I have ever read, which even includes his classic piece (children's artwork). I found myself gasping for air from time to time when I was reading the book because I simply laughed too hard. In addition to the great verbal work from Maddox, his illustrators also did a fabulous job. Those illustrations in the book alone will lighten up your day and help you find why it is worth living in the world. Lastly, let me just say this: You will never find any other book like this one since it is truly one of a kind. This is the book that people will remember for centuries. You can only have a grasp of this extraordinary wisdom and unique perspective of seeing our mundane world through Maddox's eyes. Do get a copy and you will not regret it. 35 of 40 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars P is for Perfect., June 19, 2006 By  Yossarian (Durham, NC USA) - See all my reviews    Remember the old Mortal Kombat games, where one could perfectly maul one's opponent and receive a "Flawless Victory"? That is how I envision Maddox standing over the smoking ruin that is the NY Times Bestseller list, laid waste by the ultimate precision that is his Alphabet of Manliness. Maddox himself is well-known as an Internet legend, latter-day pirate, and scourge of poseurs. However, absolutely no familiarity with his online work or workings is required to appreciate the glory of this novel (although if you haven't seen his website, you should start there to build up the soul callouses needed to survive this book in the likely event that you are not nearly man - or woman - enough to handle it). This book stands in its own right as simultaneously parody, truth, and a ringing indictment of all things pathetic, tame, and child-proofed in our modern world. Indeed, I can only assume Maddox and his team of lumberjacks personally went out and killed the very trees whose flesh makes up this book. As with all types of perfection, singing this book's praises is much easier than imagining what it is missing. I cannot think of a single thing. Everything from precise instructions on the proper drop-kick to the ring on Chuck Norris' finger to a depiction of beef jerky using a chaingun on vegetables is here for your consumption. What more could you want? Or, more importantly, what more could you possibly deserve? Nothing. Buy the book. Roar in hilarity at its uncensored mayhem. At least if you don't like it, it'll give you something to do on your one-way flight back to France.		Ad feedback   Most Recent Customer Reviews 3.0 out of 5 stars Not bad... I enjoyed reading this book as I've been reading Maddox's rants and raves for a few years now. Even if you are not familiar with his work you've probably received emails of things... Read more Published 1 day ago by B. Dominic Allen 5.0 out of 5 stars Funny, but not that funny There were parts to this that were hillarious but then some of it was so rediculous that even I didn't find it that funny. I guess the idea of it is funny. Read more Published 5 days ago by K. Collins 5.0 out of 5 stars Funny! No matter what age or gender I really think anyone can enjoy the book. Maddox has created an alphabet of Manliness for example A for Asskicking and so on and so forth, each page... Read more Published 23 days ago by C. Quintana 4.0 out of 5 stars It's entertaining, but I remember laughing a lot more when I read his website. I read a few of the letters and realized that his web articles are better. I can't say exactly why or how they are better, I can't read one of them without laughing at least... Read more Published 4 months ago by R. Bohrer 5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious and inventive I loved this. It's very daft but it has some great ideas and the writing style is superb. The section on Chuck Norris is worth the price on its own. Published 5 months ago by The Cheerful Teacher 4.0 out of 5 stars Don't buy for your husband. Heh... I bought this book as a surprise for my husband since he and I really enjoy the writings on Maddox's website. Boy, did I open a can of worms. Read more Published 5 months ago by M. J. Frost 1.0 out of 5 stars A satire of the "manly man"? A ventilation of the frustrations of one such manly man? Personally, I think "juvenile toilet humour" is a better choice. For adolescent boys, this stuff is amazing. Read more Published 5 months ago by themcmanusbro 5.0 out of 5 stars Best book in existence I just bought this book because it sounded funny and I wanted to add something else to my order to get free shipping. Read more Published 5 months ago by M. Lucas 5.0 out of 5 stars The Alphabet of Manliness "This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong."- Maddox. Read more Published 5 months ago by M. A. Garza 3.0 out of 5 stars Fairly Good There's no doubt that Maddox is an excellent writer with an original and unmistakable dry wit. If you like his site, you may be slightly disappointed because the book is not... Read more Published 6 months ago by Ajay Ayyar Search Customer Reviews Only search this product's reviews

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This product's forum (45 discussions)   Discussion Replies Latest Post just received 1 June 2007 Shipping Already? 3 June 2007 Great New Fratire Book 1 March 2007 I base my life on his teachings 73 February 2007 Maddox will win the Nobel Prize for Literature 3 January 2007 How to get your copy earlier 0 May 2006 › See all 45 discussions...   [Start the discussion] Start a new discussion Topic: First post: Receive e-mail when new posts are made Prompts for sign-in   [Cancel] Guidelines Active discussions in related forums   Discussion Replies Latest Post self-help A Few FREE Copies of Fireside Meditations Still Available for Review 3 56 minutes ago self-help Narcissistic spouse 28 1 hour ago comedy Funniest Moments on TV 82 8 hours ago comedy the big lebowski - favorite line 38 15 hours ago humor I would like to offer my new novel to people looking for a funny book 15 4 days ago humor what is the funniest book/books you have ever read? 293 4 days ago

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 204 pages
• Publisher: Citadel Press (May 30, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 080652720X
• ISBN-13: 978-0806527208
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (226 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #9,185 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

  Popular in these categories: (What's this?)

  #32 in	Books > Entertainment > Humor > Love, Sex & Marriage
  #64 in	Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire, General
  #68 in	Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

210 of 240 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Maddox, the legend, has spoken, March 29, 2006

By	E. Thomson (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

If you like his web site, if you have ever found yourself laughing out loud at work or school perusing his teachings, then you have to buy this book.

Organized into 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet, this is no less than an encyclopedia of manliness written by the Master of Manliness, MADDOX. Each letter is a freaking hilarious elucidation of the conceptual architecture of manliness ("A" is for "Ass Kicking", for instance). Each vignette is between two and six pages long, and many are accompanied by butt-kicking and surprisingly well-crafted illustrations.

Buy this book if you like Maddox. If you are a politically correct whiner, and can't handle humor about the sexes, then buy this book and read it twice. You need an injection of humor into your life.

162 of 191 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars THE masterpiece that will be remembered for centuries, May 22, 2006

By	Y. CHENG (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

We need a serious book review here and here it is:

Maddox has always been a controversial figure. You either hate him or love him. "The alphabet of manliness," however, consistent with the usual Maddox style - witty satire and unique approach towards various topics, puts a stronger emphasis on the humor side which I believe is universally funny. The book covers such a wide range of topics that no matter who you are, how you feel about Maddox prior to reading the book, I assure you that you can always get a kick out of the book.

I have been Maddox's fan for years. After four hours of diligently studying the book, I am confident to say that this book is the best of Maddox's work I have ever read, which even includes his classic piece (children's artwork). I found myself gasping for air from time to time when I was reading the book because I simply laughed too hard.

In addition to the great verbal work from Maddox, his illustrators also did a fabulous job. Those illustrations in the book alone will lighten up your day and help you find why it is worth living in the world.

Lastly, let me just say this: You will never find any other book like this one since it is truly one of a kind. This is the book that people will remember for centuries. You can only have a grasp of this extraordinary wisdom and unique perspective of seeing our mundane world through Maddox's eyes. Do get a copy and you will not regret it.

35 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars P is for Perfect., June 19, 2006

By	Yossarian (Durham, NC USA) - See all my reviews

Remember the old Mortal Kombat games, where one could perfectly maul one's opponent and receive a "Flawless Victory"? That is how I envision Maddox standing over the smoking ruin that is the NY Times Bestseller list, laid waste by the ultimate precision that is his Alphabet of Manliness.

Maddox himself is well-known as an Internet legend, latter-day pirate, and scourge of poseurs. However, absolutely no familiarity with his online work or workings is required to appreciate the glory of this novel (although if you haven't seen his website, you should start there to build up the soul callouses needed to survive this book in the likely event that you are not nearly man - or woman - enough to handle it). This book stands in its own right as simultaneously parody, truth, and a ringing indictment of all things pathetic, tame, and child-proofed in our modern world. Indeed, I can only assume Maddox and his team of lumberjacks personally went out and killed the very trees whose flesh makes up this book.

As with all types of perfection, singing this book's praises is much easier than imagining what it is missing. I cannot think of a single thing. Everything from precise instructions on the proper drop-kick to the ring on Chuck Norris' finger to a depiction of beef jerky using a chaingun on vegetables is here for your consumption. What more could you want? Or, more importantly, what more could you possibly deserve? Nothing.

Buy the book. Roar in hilarity at its uncensored mayhem. At least if you don't like it, it'll give you something to do on your one-way flight back to France.