The Alphabet Of Manliness (Hardcover)

~ (Author), Angelo Vildasol (Illustrator), Bryan Douglas (Illustrator)
Key Phrases: tit punch, female wrestling, Chuck Norris, Mona Lisa

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Lumberjacks, pirates, and Chuck Norris all agree that there is but one arbiter of manliness, and he has but one name: Maddox. The longtime proprietor of the absurdly popular website, The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox has thoughtfully collected his vast masculine wisdom for the first time in a useful reference work, The Alphabet of Manliness. Since men of course communicate with others only under duress, this book may be the sole resource for those starved for answers about basic manly subjects such as urinal etiquette, road rage, and beef jerky.

We thought that Neil Strauss, who chronicled his own transformation from "half a man" to a "Master Pickup Artist" in the one-of-a-kind bestseller, The Game, might be the perfect expert to assess Maddox's guide, and indeed, he came through with the sharpest take we've yet seen on the book, which you can read below.

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Guest Reviewer: Neil Strauss

Over the past decade, Neil Strauss, former pop music critic for The New York Times, has established himself as the go-to guy for diarists of decadence, collaborating with rockers Marilyn Manson, Mötley Crüe (on the instant trash classic, The Dirt), and Dave Navarro, as well as porn star Jenna Jameson, on a series of witty and frank tales of celebrity excess. And then he stepped out on his own with one of our top-selling books of 2005, The Game, his bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly uplifting memoir of joining a secret society of "Master Pickup Artists." Keep your eye out: he has many more smart and shocking projects on the way.

I am fully convinced after reading the entire A-Z of The Alphabet of Manliness that the author of its 26 essays, Maddox, is a nerd. And not just because he correctly alphabetizes the entries, but because he can recite the names of every Castlevania game, talks about hacking and IP addresses and various mathematical theorems, and has just spent way too much time analyzing in minute detail every aspect of the penis, its functions, and its influence on the male brain. However, Maddox's lack of bulging biceps may actually be a positive thing. Because having him become the symbol and policy-maker of all things alpha male just may be one of the most subversive byproducts of the Internet since file-sharing.

If you are new to the world of Maddox and unfamiliar with his website www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, here's how you will react to the book: When you read the dedication--"to the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me"--you will think for a moment that you have encountered one of the most unlikable narcissists in the world. When he calls a woman a "bitch" on page 2, you may actually begin to hate him. But if you stick with it, by the time you get to the middle of the book and are fully immersed in his over-active, over-systematic, testosterone-addled imagination, you will begin to realize that Maddox just may be the Andy Kaufman of his time, in possession of the driest wit you've ever encountered. The middle of the book also happens to be the home of Maddox's finest essays. In his contribution to the geek canon of Chuck Norris worship, he spuriously notes that Norris uses hippies as firewood, intercepts letters to Santa Claus to use as toilet paper, and eats "bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because Chuck Norris doesn't want to give the Italians the credit."

In general, there are two types of humor in this book: things that are funny because they're wrong ("a pirate's semen is indestructible") and things that are funny because they're right (his entire essay on urinal etiquette).

By the time you get to his views on the quickie, in which he describes a sexual encounter with his girlfriend that involves her never showing up and him passing out drunk and getting robbed, you may be bookmarking his website. And by the time you turn to the last page, you'll be flipping back to the first, reading it again and looking for the jokes you missed because you were too busy being shocked, offended, and slightly titillated. In short, The Alphabet of Manliness just may be one of the smartest paeans to stupidity ever written. --Neil Strauss

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What's more manly than crushing a can against your eye, Maddox-style? Mastered that advanced skill? Move on to Maddox's short quiz below, prepared exclusively for Amazon.com, and find out whether you might be one of the new breed of men, the "hetrosexual."

Straight Is the New Gay

by Maddox

In a world where metrosexuals--stylish, well-groomed, and sharply dressed men--have taken the center stage in defining the new masculinity, small pockets of men are starting to emerge, rebelling against the status quo. This new breed of man has rejected a lifestyle of wine tasting, pedicures, and excessive cultural awareness (i.e., any cultural awareness). This newly born response to metrosexuality is gaining momentum like never before, calling back to a day when men proudly wore plaid, ate liver and onions, and smelled like motor oil by choice. This modern man has come to be known simply as: the hetrosexual.

Hetrosexual men aren't afraid embrace their masculinity. They eat, drink, and sleep like real men: fully engorged. There's no such thing as a "fashion faux-pas" in the world of hetrosexuality. In fact, even the use of the phrase "faux-pas" draws the ire of the hetrosexual man in the form of beatings and social isolation (preferably both). These are men who refuse to be pigeonholed into the constraints of sexual ambiguity, and gladly welcome every opportunity to crotch-wrestle a hot babe. Hetrosexuals are making it cool to be straight again; straight is the new gay.

Think you might be a hetrosexual? Take the following quiz to find out:

1. How much should you tip a hairstylist?

	A) 10%
	B) 15%
	C) 20%

If you answered, you're wrong. Hetrosexuals don't go to hair stylists.

2. Cologne?

	A) Yes
	B) No

The correct answer is B) No. Acceptable fragrances for men are: sweat, grease, rum, or some combination thereof.

3. Which language do you speak?

	A) French
	B) English
	C) Both
	D) Neither

The answer is B) English. French is the language of love, and men don't love anything. At best, there are varying degrees of "like," and even then, men don't like anything that much.

4. When dining at restaurant, you should

	A) Push aside your friends and wrestle over the best seat
	B) Wait until the maitre d' seats you
	C) What's a maitre d'?

The correct answer is A and C. A, because if you don't secure the best spot at the table, you may find yourself in the position of having to engage in small talk with your guest. And C, because of the answer to question 3 above.

If you answered all of the questions correctly, congratulations: you are the winner. The important thing to keep in mind is that you are a man (unless you are not), and nobody can take that away from you.

Product Description

From the publisher:

This is the only sentence in the entire book that will give you a chance to adjust your face; take your time, because it’s about to be rocked off—permanently.

Finally, a book that guarantees your balls will be stomped; a book so manly that it will make even the burliest of men (and in some cases, the burliest of women) feel inadequate. So manly, it needs to be shaved: The Alphabet of Manliness. This collection of sacred writings may very well be the greatest compilation of all things manly throughout history. Here’s a small sample of the ass-kickery found within these revered pages of outright manliness:

People getting drop-kicked in the face

Phallic aggression

Violence in excess of what has come to be known as excessive

Garish disregard for the well-being of children

Contempt for animals, women, and other cultures

Intimidating rhetoric

Obscure penile references

The triumph of flannel over good taste

This book is only for the saltiest, hairiest, most rugged son of a bitch out there. However, it would be selfish to keep it for myself, so feel free to buy a copy. This humble tome of wisdom is a tribute to all men who toil away at work every day, getting their balls busted, or busting balls.

If you can’t handle the punch to the colon I’m about to deliver to you, look on the bright side: you’ll save a fortune on Halloween when kids come to your door to pick apart your candy ass. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with the risk of having your ass neatly packaged and handed to you with all the trimmings, cut the foreplay and crack the book open already.

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Product Details Hardcover: 204 pages Publisher: Citadel Press (May 30, 2006) Language: English ISBN-10: 080652720X ISBN-13: 978-0806527208 Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies) Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (239 customer reviews) Amazon.com Sales Rank: #17,736 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books) Popular in these categories: (What's this?) #67 in  Books > Entertainment > Humor > Love, Sex & Marriage #93 in  Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire, General

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More About the Author

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› Visit Amazon's Maddox Page

Front Cover | First Pages | Index | Surprise Me!

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Inside This Book (learn more)

Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
tit punch, female wrestling

Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Chuck Norris, Mona Lisa

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Front Cover | First Pages | Index | Surprise Me!

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	89% buy the item featured on this page: The Alphabet Of Manliness 4.5 out of 5 stars (239) $10.85
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Customer Reviews

239 Reviews 5 star:  (168) 4 star:  (36) 3 star:  (19) 2 star:  (9) 1 star:  (7)           Average Customer Review 4.5 out of 5 stars (239 customer reviews)		Share your thoughts with other customers:
Most Helpful Customer Reviews 216 of 248 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars Maddox, the legend, has spoken, March 29, 2006 By  E. Thomson (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)    If you like his web site, if you have ever found yourself laughing out loud at work or school perusing his teachings, then you have to buy this book. Organized into 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet, this is no less than an encyclopedia of manliness written by the Master of Manliness, MADDOX. Each letter is a freaking hilarious elucidation of the conceptual architecture of manliness ("A" is for "Ass Kicking", for instance). Each vignette is between two and six pages long, and many are accompanied by butt-kicking and surprisingly well-crafted illustrations. Buy this book if you like Maddox. If you are a politically correct whiner, and can't handle humor about the sexes, then buy this book and read it twice. You need an injection of humor into your life. 60 of 66 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars Amazon reports that this book will be the only one not rated with stars., June 2, 2006 By  Blacksnake "Javin" (Fort Washington, MD United States) - See all my reviews Amazon Verified Purchase I have to be honest, here. I've read Maddox's website for years, and have long respected him for not giving in to the temptation to make money from his site with pop-ups, banners, etc. My sole purpose for having purchased this book was to support him financially for the years of entertainment he has provided millions for free. Then the book arrived... While still in the box from Amazon, the woman that delivered it grew a full beard and back hair just in the time it took her to carry it to my doorstep. By the time I got to page three, my testicles had stretch marks. At this point, I was afraid, and would have put the book down except that I knew doing so would have instantly reduced me to a sniveling girly-boy. By the time I finished the book, I had grown 8 inches, and not taller. I was once a computer programmer that spent my days in a cubicle. After reading the book, I walked into my place of work (I didn't even use the door, just walked through the brick wall) and smashed many faces and headbutted many a uterus, and am now the CEO of the company. I don't even work anymore. I just told them I was CEO, and nobody had enough testosterone to say otherwise. This book will change your life. Merely looking at the book in person will cause hair growth in places you didn't know hair could grow. Actually opening it will saturate you with testosterone. It is not recommended that you allow your wife near the book, as the book itself will have its way with her. This is my third copy I'm buying today. Every man in my family must have a copy, or I can no longer call them a man. -Javin 165 of 196 people found the following review helpful: 5.0 out of 5 stars THE masterpiece that will be remembered for centuries, May 22, 2006 By  Y. CHENG (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)    We need a serious book review here and here it is: Maddox has always been a controversial figure. You either hate him or love him. "The alphabet of manliness," however, consistent with the usual Maddox style - witty satire and unique approach towards various topics, puts a stronger emphasis on the humor side which I believe is universally funny. The book covers such a wide range of topics that no matter who you are, how you feel about Maddox prior to reading the book, I assure you that you can always get a kick out of the book. I have been Maddox's fan for years. After four hours of diligently studying the book, I am confident to say that this book is the best of Maddox's work I have ever read, which even includes his classic piece (children's artwork). I found myself gasping for air from time to time when I was reading the book because I simply laughed too hard. In addition to the great verbal work from Maddox, his illustrators also did a fabulous job. Those illustrations in the book alone will lighten up your day and help you find why it is worth living in the world. Lastly, let me just say this: You will never find any other book like this one since it is truly one of a kind. This is the book that people will remember for centuries. You can only have a grasp of this extraordinary wisdom and unique perspective of seeing our mundane world through Maddox's eyes. Do get a copy and you will not regret it.		Ad feedback   Most Recent Customer Reviews 5.0 out of 5 stars Laughed so hard I peed a little Crude, despicable, completely tasteless...and downright hilarious. A longtime fan of Maddox's "The Best Page in the Universe," I knew full well what to expect of this twenty-six... Read more Published 29 days ago by Julia Dudek 4.0 out of 5 stars It's good, but not as funny as Maddox's Web site 4 of 5. Like I said, the Web site is funnier. This is still a funny book, but it seems like he had to tone it down a bit. Published 1 month ago by Jimmy Zazo 5.0 out of 5 stars Great for guys. My friend really wanted it so I bought it for him for Christmas. It made him happy so I guess it was a great book. Published 2 months ago by Lori Flowers 5.0 out of 5 stars The most manliness review ever do i really need to tell you to buy it?? just doit, you will grow an amazing beard.... in your nuts and over you sissy current beard, the only bad thing of this book is that you... Read more Published 2 months ago by Rogelio Villa Valdez 5.0 out of 5 stars must read funniest book ever. plain and simple. buy it and read it. (not reccommended for femenists!) Published 2 months ago by Jason Broersma 5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book, Everything for validating a real man Great Book, Everything for validating a real man Even though I new all this valuable information, this is a great book for boys entering manhood. Read more Published 3 months ago by J. Blodgett 5.0 out of 5 stars Simply Amazing I've been reading maddox for years, he has great verbal work and sure he'll lighten up your day. This book will change the way you see life. Read more Published 4 months ago by StK 4.0 out of 5 stars We Be Men. I'm up to the letter "P" and i have to say it's one of the funniest book i've read so far. Published 4 months ago by Patrice Bellefeuille 1.0 out of 5 stars Horrendous Not sure what I thought I was ordering but this is grotesque. Make sure you know what you're in for. If this rating system permitted, I would have given this zero stars. Published 5 months ago by L. K. Mann 5.0 out of 5 stars Bam. punch to face. I bought this book more for the idea that I would be giving money to Maddox so he can get on with his life in style. Read more Published 5 months ago by James Siewert Search Customer Reviews Only search this product's reviews

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This product's forum Discussion Replies Latest Post It's really not that good 0 2 months ago just received 1 June 2007 Shipping Already? 3 June 2007 Great New Fratire Book 1 March 2007 I base my life on his teachings 73 February 2007 Maddox will win the Nobel Prize for Literature 3 January 2007 › See all 41 discussions...   [Start the discussion] Start a new discussion Topic: First post: Receive e-mail when new posts are made Prompts for sign-in   Guidelines Active discussions in related forums Discussion Replies Latest Post self-help Are women who don't think sex is all that wonderful doing it with the wrong man? 9 5 hours ago comedy Worst Casting of all time. 92 7 hours ago comedy Has Conedy died for sitcoms? 19 9 hours ago humor My new book (which, by the way, is hilarious) 39 9 hours ago humor Funny Amazon Reviews 5 11 hours ago self-help What is the best self-help book? 127 1 day ago Search Customer Discussions Only search this product's forum

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 204 pages
• Publisher: Citadel Press (May 30, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 080652720X
• ISBN-13: 978-0806527208
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (239 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #17,736 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

  Popular in these categories: (What's this?)

  #67 in	Books > Entertainment > Humor > Love, Sex & Marriage
  #93 in	Books > Entertainment > Humor > Satire, General

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

216 of 248 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Maddox, the legend, has spoken, March 29, 2006

By	E. Thomson (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

If you like his web site, if you have ever found yourself laughing out loud at work or school perusing his teachings, then you have to buy this book.

Organized into 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet, this is no less than an encyclopedia of manliness written by the Master of Manliness, MADDOX. Each letter is a freaking hilarious elucidation of the conceptual architecture of manliness ("A" is for "Ass Kicking", for instance). Each vignette is between two and six pages long, and many are accompanied by butt-kicking and surprisingly well-crafted illustrations.

Buy this book if you like Maddox. If you are a politically correct whiner, and can't handle humor about the sexes, then buy this book and read it twice. You need an injection of humor into your life.

60 of 66 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazon reports that this book will be the only one not rated with stars., June 2, 2006

By	Blacksnake "Javin" (Fort Washington, MD United States) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

I have to be honest, here. I've read Maddox's website for years, and have long respected him for not giving in to the temptation to make money from his site with pop-ups, banners, etc. My sole purpose for having purchased this book was to support him financially for the years of entertainment he has provided millions for free.

Then the book arrived... While still in the box from Amazon, the woman that delivered it grew a full beard and back hair just in the time it took her to carry it to my doorstep. By the time I got to page three, my testicles had stretch marks. At this point, I was afraid, and would have put the book down except that I knew doing so would have instantly reduced me to a sniveling girly-boy. By the time I finished the book, I had grown 8 inches, and not taller.

I was once a computer programmer that spent my days in a cubicle. After reading the book, I walked into my place of work (I didn't even use the door, just walked through the brick wall) and smashed many faces and headbutted many a uterus, and am now the CEO of the company. I don't even work anymore. I just told them I was CEO, and nobody had enough testosterone to say otherwise.

This book will change your life. Merely looking at the book in person will cause hair growth in places you didn't know hair could grow. Actually opening it will saturate you with testosterone. It is not recommended that you allow your wife near the book, as the book itself will have its way with her.

This is my third copy I'm buying today. Every man in my family must have a copy, or I can no longer call them a man.

-Javin

165 of 196 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars THE masterpiece that will be remembered for centuries, May 22, 2006

By	Y. CHENG (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

We need a serious book review here and here it is:

Maddox has always been a controversial figure. You either hate him or love him. "The alphabet of manliness," however, consistent with the usual Maddox style - witty satire and unique approach towards various topics, puts a stronger emphasis on the humor side which I believe is universally funny. The book covers such a wide range of topics that no matter who you are, how you feel about Maddox prior to reading the book, I assure you that you can always get a kick out of the book.

I have been Maddox's fan for years. After four hours of diligently studying the book, I am confident to say that this book is the best of Maddox's work I have ever read, which even includes his classic piece (children's artwork). I found myself gasping for air from time to time when I was reading the book because I simply laughed too hard.

In addition to the great verbal work from Maddox, his illustrators also did a fabulous job. Those illustrations in the book alone will lighten up your day and help you find why it is worth living in the world.

Lastly, let me just say this: You will never find any other book like this one since it is truly one of a kind. This is the book that people will remember for centuries. You can only have a grasp of this extraordinary wisdom and unique perspective of seeing our mundane world through Maddox's eyes. Do get a copy and you will not regret it.