The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life (Paperback)

by Albert Ellis (Author), Marcia Grad Powers (Author)

Product Details

• Paperback: 230 pages
• Publisher: Wilshire Book Co (October 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0879804459
• ISBN-13: 978-0879804459
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.2 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #16,710 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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  #4 in	Books > Health, Mind & Body > Mental Health > Abuse & Self Defense > Self Defense
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

222 of 245 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars In Case You Aren't Being Blamed Enough by Your Abuser..., April 2, 2001

By A Customer

The Good:

This book makes it very clear, in precise language, that an abusive relationship is based on anger, not on love, and that to get the most out of any romantic relationship, you must first love yourself. It also notes repeatedly that the abused cannot "fix" the abuser. Very good. Points taken.

The Bad:

This book tends to focus too much on making the abused person feel completely responsible for the situation by emphasizing the idea that it's their own perception of things that makes them unbearable.

The Ugly:

This book minimizes and simplifies the experience and effects of verbal abuse.

Having been in a few verbally abusive relationships and having also worked in women's centers, I found a lot of things about this book to be off the mark. The idea that your abuser has the RIGHT and the PRIVILAGE to abuse you, and that you should PREFER not to be abused rather than demand that you be treated with love and respect, was especially shocking to me.

I do agree that the abused have more power than they give themselves credit for, and can change the course of their lives by 1)recognizing the abuse, 2) realizing the fact that their abuser may not change, and then 3)doing something about it. But there's no reason anyone should have to feel that they should put up with this awful behavior. When your happiness and well-being (as well as that of your children!) is being destroyed, you have every reason to feel the feelings you have and to demand to be treated better.

No one has the "right" to abuse you. EVER.

This method may work in relationships where the abuser has the ability and desire to change and the abused hasn't yet been completely beaten down. But for the rest of you, I suggest Praticia Evans' books, as well as counseling and/or group therapy. You are not to blame for your abuse. And you CAN empower yourself to take control of your life.

74 of 79 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars If "something" is not right with your man - READ THIS BOOK, August 6, 2003

By	R. Alessio (Melbourne, Australia) - See all my reviews

I am a male.

I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her?
(Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).

I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.

The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples.

One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years.
My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".

I can only draw one conclusion:
If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book.
Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.

The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude.
Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.

If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.

80 of 86 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Solid. Not victim blaming., May 11, 2004

By	"richard31416" (Rhode Island) - See all my reviews

I read this book with some trepidation because of one customer review that accuses the book of being about blaming the victim. After reading it, I believe the book is very helpful, and in no way, shape, or form is it about blaming the victim. It clearly condemns abuse and has many empathic words for those who endure it. It is strongly supportive of the variety of ways that abused partners will choose to address the abuse, leaving, staying, etc. The techniques recommended to address abuse seem excellent as a way to, as it were, immunize oneself against the destructive impact of abuse and empower its victims to take new and constructive approaches that would have been unthinkable before. It in no way implies that there is a "right" or a "privilege" to abuse. In one example in the text, an abused partner working through the issues and her response says that her partner has the "right" to abuse her. But it is clear from the context and the thrust of the book that the intended meaning is, "my partner, as a separate, free moral agent, is free to abuse me if he so chooses, even though it is wrong and destructive, and it is my job to decide how I will respond, since I can't control his choices or his behavior."