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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Ruin your kids' lives "peacefully", December 22, 2005
I passed my copy on to a professor of child development who collects examples of bad parenting manuals. It was well received.
The title and cover are appealing. The contents are poorly organized, unpleasant, and unhelpful. They're also disrespectful toward children. In fact, although both authors are fathers, their book gives the impression they dislike children. Cress believes parents are "mentally, and emotionally superior to their children" and concentrates on ways to control, manipulate or even trick them. Nowhere in this book, in any case study or example, is a child presented as a regular, worthwhile person with a capacity for independent positive thinking.
Although the authors claim their "child management philosophy" opposes "all forms of violence against children, including physical and verbal aggression, emotional maltreatment, and neglect", they delude themselves. They advocate spanking dolls, not hitting people, but seem tantalized by all manner of demeaning mistreatment other than corporal punishment. Numerous suggestions are unacceptably harsh. Calling them "peaceful" is misleading. "Empathy" is promoted as a manipulative tactic, to tell children what they think and feel rather than actually respond to their feelings. Those who subscribe to John Gottman's advice on raising emotionally intelligent children will be taken aback at Cress's attitude.
Following empty platitudes about feelings, a section called "Know the Value of Fear" prescribes a "helpful" living nightmare remedy for an adolescent "associating with delinquent or pre-delinquent peers.": "initiate the process by secretly contacting the [correctional] facility. Without forewarning, the child is descended upon [ yes, `descended upon'!] by ranch residents and taken to the site. [one envisions Camp Green Lake from the novel Holes] He's told that because of his unacceptable behavior he'll be confined to the facility for an indefinite period of time. Then he's immediately challenged and verbally harassed about his behavior, and is assigned to menial and humiliating tasks. Additionally he isn't told that he'll only be there for a weekend."
Lest we think Dr. Cress relies too much on punishing, he offers rewards as well. School project homework, for example, needs tangible "rewards for approximations of targeted behavior." [Yes that's the kind of language this book uses.] But don't worry. If schooling is not your kid's cup of tea, just lower expectations. "Not all children need formal education to be successful (for example. . . Rush Limbaugh III. . . ) "
Granted, the authors present a range of options. Not everything they write is sick or unfeeling. Yet a book shouldn't be so inconsistent or require as much sorting out as this one does. It also lacks context.
Many strategies are gathered from other books and sprinkled through Peaceful Parenting, but with adequate discussion on why and how to apply them omitted.
For example, in his book High Risk: Children Without A Conscience, Ken Magid explains restraint to help children with attachment disorders and severe behavior problems regain control. Cress and Berlowe ignore such realistic background info and recommend it "when the child resists. . . and tries to act as powerful as the parent": "First, parents hold or restrain the child so he or she cannot move. Then they repeatedly ask, `Who's the boss at home?' The restraining position can vary with the size of the child. . . with older children, parents can kneel on the floor and straddle the child's back, using their knees to confine the youngster and their hands to firmly press the child's shoulders to the floor. If the child is particularly strong, this method may require two or more adults. When the child is safely restrained, the parent states, `I'm going to hold you like this until you tell me that I'm the boss. Okay who's the boss?' Sometimes particularly stubborn children will respond, `I'm the boss.' The parent should then respond, `If you're the boss, why can't you get up?' . . . This procedure can take many hours, even a day. . . . Repeat the procedure if noncompliance recurs. Keep in mind that this technique is meant to establish parental authority, not to destroy the child's independence." [Yeah, right.] (How fortunate the strong athletes we've parented, who could pin me in an instant, know family "power" is respectfully shared.)
For a psychologist, Dr. Cress evinces little interest in children's logic, emotions or natural cognitive development. He seems determined instead to direct them and dispassionately dispense severe "consequences." If a child is poky taking a shower, "enter the shower and take the youngster naked and dripping wet to the car." No worries about privacy or embarrassment here. If there's a bed-wetting problem though?-- visiting a pediatrician for it would be "embarrassing," and also, "It may feel `embarrassing' and disappointing to have a child who is homosexual, but it's no reason for panic or feelings of failure. " After all, " simply because we disagree with someone doesn't mean that we're right and they're wrong." Certainly not. Cress concludes that homosexuals' "decision to change must come from the individual." "Embarrassing" or not, It's not his concern.
What Dr. Cress has a real problem with is effeminate boys.
If a trusting boy does express himself at a less than acceptable level of "masculine assertiveness" or " engages in a typically feminine activity [?], a parent should either ignore it or say, ` Bobby, I'm not interested in talking to you about that stuff. That's what girls talk about.'" As a former girl, I do resent being unworthy of interest, but am shocked that "peaceful parenting" is so cruelly dismissive. If amateur rudeness doesn't straighten the kid up, Cress advises pursuing professional help.
Throughout his book, Cress's own professional background, impressed repeatedly on readers, fails to inspire confidence in his ideas or ensure credibility about such tips as ---
*having children vent their anger through participation in sports;
*dealing with children who habitually light fires by leaving books of matches around the house for them to find and turn in;
*"sentencing" adolescents "to hard labor such as scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush or scrubbing the toilets again and again. . . " ;
*requiring children who fondle their genitals "to take up to a half-dozen baths a day for hygienic reasons." [Hygienic reasons?];
*enforcing head banging practice to help children stop headbanging: . . . "place helmets on the children's heads and tell hem to bang away. . . When children get tired and want to quit, parents should insist they continue." (Nosepickers are similarly forced to keep irritating their nasal passages even after there's nothing left to pick.);
and
*telling children with bed-wetting problems they're old enough to figure out how to solve them on their own since they likely do it to get attention, then sign off (which actually might be preferable to his retention-control training option.)
Similarly, even though until around age five, most children aren't quite capable of brushing their teeth well enough and require some assistance, Cress again prefers abandoning them. He explains the entire issue is "between the child and the dentist. When children have cavities and experience the discomfort of fillings, they can be told the scenario might have been avoided by regular brushing. A toothache itself may be sufficient punishment to encourage better oral hygiene."
Cress confidently leaves children to their own devices with bedwetting and rotten teeth, but behavior that annoys adults is another matter. He recommends "that children be reminded of their unsatisfactory behavior at times that aren't convenient, particularly. . . after the child is in bed. . . , knocking every 15 minutes. . . . Another option is to just `wake the child, but not say anything.". . . " A good time is also when the child is playing with friends or while at school. . . "
Gleefully creative with "consequences," Cress also is master of silent treatments: Adolescents having trouble getting ready for school? Don't brighten their departure with love and good wishes for the day, "stay out of the morning ritual, remaining out of sight until the child has left for school." For noncompliance, "a silent response can be used to achieve cooperation. . . . children are totally ignored. They're not spoken to or looked at. No one plays with them. No meals are set out. . . when they finally understand. . . they may throw a temper tantrum.[shunning is tough on kids] . . . . simply wait it out." Few caring parents see things so "simply."
Then again, his silence may be preferable to his words:
". . . time-out for children who don't obey" ...
"tell the children that if they don't follow the order by the count of three,. . .
"the child is given the order again. If compliance doesn't occur. . .
"gain control over an insubordinate child. . . "
". . . quell a noncompliant mood. "
". . . refuse to feed them. . "
If "simple" degradation or shunning don't seem quite the thing, Cress also covers such complicated approaches as "paradoxical directions." For example, if a child is not responsible enough, urging him "to become more of a failure at school and even more careless in his spending" is a way Cress has handled the challenge. Likewise, if honesty is an issue, compliment them on their dishonesty, or, arranging that "the children have to agree," have "everyone in the family lie to eachother all the time". . . so "children learn that dishonesty is not the best policy."
Sensible parenting books are available. Lots of intelligent, compassionate men offer clear, supportive childrearing advice: David Walsh, Kyle Pruett, Stanley Greenspan, Wallace Goddard, Ron Taffel. . . Read them. Avoid Cress.
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