Taking the War Out of Our Words:The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Paperback)

~ (Author)
Key Phrases: incremental predictions, mind and heart set, responsive listening, Mary Anne, Legal Aid, Question Defensive (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Sharon Ellison describes a method of listening and speaking which can give each of us clarity, confidence and power." -- Common Ground

"The premise is powerful: Human communication has been shaped by our focus on defensive self-protection and power struggle." -- Dallas Morning News

Product Description

Whether at home or at work, in intimate conversations or public interactions, most of us rely on a set of defensive verbal maneuvers we learned early to protect ourselves from insult, injury or judgment. Having been wounded by words, we often decide that to be open is to be vulnerable and weak. So we close down, build walls.

Unfortunately, whether our defensive habits are passive or aggressive, we only succeed in creating power struggles, and the cost is immense. Conflicts involving defensiveness erode our self-esteem, damage our personal relationships, eat away at our productivity, cripple our ability to work with others, hamper the success of our organizations, and, on a larger scale, undermine our efforts to establish prosperous communities and a peaceful world.

In Taking the War Out of Our Words, Sharon Ellison offers a new paradigm that she calls Powerful Non-Defensive Communication.™ Utilizing a remarkable blend of honesty and vulnerability, the techniques presented in this book increase the odds of being met with an open response and gaining cooperation, resolution, and healing.

Taking the War Out of Our Words shows how to:
• Ask disarming questions that prompt others to drop their defenses
• Give direct feedback to others without being judgmental
• Express your own beliefs, feelings, and ideas without being adversarial
• Set firm boundaries that create security and clear expectations

These tools enhance our ability to resolve conflicts without trying to control other people or being dependent on their cooperation.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Bay Tree Publishing (August 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0972002103
• ISBN-13: 978-0972002103
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.1 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #282,341 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Valuable Skill Building with Profound Results!, April 28, 2000

By	Tifanie Hayden (California) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Don't Be So Defensive : Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Hardcover)

Sharon Ellison's Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication method inspired me and made me eager to incorporate her discovery of a non-defensive form of communication into my own relationships. Sharon's book takes you through several different types of scenarios where her method can prevent those knots and tangles we sometimes find ourselves caught up in. More importantly, without having to provide real examples for every single type of situation requiring communication; she is able to provide clear, in-depth explanations for understanding this concept. For me, this book will serve as a resourceful tool, which I will turn to repeatedly until I have mastered this concept. I have been able to test this method with that most difficult person in my life. To my absolute amazement I was able to diffuse the anger and aggression in an instant. The response was calm, agreable, and seemed to put this person in think-mode over what they were feeling, where I had typically expected irrational conflict and excessive verbal abuse. I am actually able to speak without compromising my integrity or becoming entrapped in that power struggle. In past, other methods were short-lived and effective up until that difficult person caught on to my pattern of communicating. Using Sharon's method, I am able to stay true to myself without a need for masking those feelings in order to remain protected. I am willing to say that I believe this book may be preventing many years of unnecessary, damaging stress to my life. It is my opinion that this method should be mandated as an academic course within our schools today. I believe it is a wonderful and positive way to start out our continued struggle toward peace and understanding for one another!

16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome book!, July 30, 2003

By	"acubabe_2000" (Berkeley, CA United States) - See all my reviews

I love this book and would wholeheartedly recommend it for every househould. Families and coworkers can have the best intentions, but if the language we use is what we all grew up with - a war-like model - then it can be confusing and frustrating when our interactions with people make us feel worse than before. I like how this book dissects the language we typically use (most of it rang all too familiar!), then offers new ways of communicating the same thing with language that helps the other person feel more receptive.

I've started using these techniques at home and at work, and I can't speak highly enough about it. I really learned a lot, and I feel more empowered in my communication skills, even in difficult of situations - not that I don't fall back into old ways. But when I do, it's a reminder of how different the results are when you use language consciously or unconsciously.

The concept of using language creatively to generate harmony is such an obvious but brilliant observation. The way the author breaks everything down into examples makes it seem really possible for anyone to transform and improve how they interact with the world. (The index of examples is really helpful!)

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book has helped me communicate better than ever!, May 18, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Don't Be So Defensive : Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Hardcover)

I am amazed how the suggestions in this book have helped me work with clients more effectively. I've been able to set limits better, with excellent results, where in the past I would feel stuck and disadvantaged. This is in addition to making my communication with friends and family smoother. Sharon Ellison's ideas just make good sense when you think about it. But it's unusual in this culture to see very good examples of how to communicate well. It's as if arguing and fighting are the only ways we know, or giving up and shutting up, or maybe just pretending to agree, then zapping the other person the first chance we get. I'm thrilled to find and understand another way, where I can be true to myself and stand in my integrity, without getting into a tug of war, or disappearing. I use to just withdraw, and feel resentful, but not any more! I heartily recommend this book!