Special Siblings: Growing Up With Someone with a Disability (Paperback)

by Mary McHugh (Author)

Editorial Reviews

From School Library Journal
YA-A look at what it is like to be a sibling of someone with a physical, mental, or emotional disability. McHugh's brother has both cerebral palsy and mental retardation, a fact that has shaped every aspect of her life. In the course of writing this book, she spoke to siblings ranging in age from 6 to 76 years of age who expressed feelings that ran the gamut from compassion to resentment. She writes with painful honesty and includes information about research studies, interviews with experts, and the experiences and stories of many siblings. The book covers important topics such as coping with anger, embarrassment with new friends, and dealing with the long-term care of the disabled sibling. McHugh concludes with a resource section that includes videotapes, newsletters, support groups, and organizations. This title could be of great interest, help, and comfort to readers who are looking for both information and encouragement from people who understand how they might be feeling.
Peggy Bercher, Fairfax County Public Library, VA
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Kirkus Reviews
For siblings of those with physical, mental, or emotional disabilities, here is helpful advice, comfort, and the company of others who've been there. McHugh (formerly an editor at Woman's World and Cosmopolitan, and a frequent New York Times contributor) grew up with a mentally disabled brother for whom she became responsible as an adult after their mother died. McHugh doesn't shrink from the tough issues, even when looking at her own actions. Mostly, she reports, she blocked her brother and his problems out of her life as much as possible. So on one level, this is about McHugh's own journeyone viewed wrenchingly from another angle when one of her own children becomes blind and has a leg amputated as a result of complications from diabetes. But moving on from her own experience, McHugh offers information, understanding, and resources for others, on a wide range of issues: from childhood fears about the parents marriage, to troubles in ones own marriage caused by caring for a disabled sibling, to the urge to somehow make it all better (``For a sibling, there is nothing more painful than watching your mother's heart break because one of her children is wounded''). McHugh considers needs and problems for each age and developmental group, from childhood on. Real help, real comfort for those personally affected. -- Copyright ©1999, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Brookes Publishing Company; Revised edition (September 1, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1557666075
• ISBN-13: 978-1557666079
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.6 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #727,629 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for anyone with a disabled sibling., March 17, 2004

By	Reader from Philadelphia (Newtown Square, PA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Special Siblings: Growing Up With Someone With a Disability (Hardcover)

First of all, I really wish that people who have not grown up with a disabled sibling would not write negative reviews of this book because they just don't know what it is like. My sister had polio and her illness and subsequent operations took all of my families' resources both financial and emotional. I grew up thinking that I was unimportant and that maybe if I was sick too, I would get attention. My earliest thoughts were those of wishing that I would just die so I didn't have to feel so bad/guilty all the time. Kids that grow up with disabled siblings often feel that they did something wrong to cause the disability. My middle sister and I both felt that way, yet we weren't even born when it happened.

Ms. McHugh has written an incredibly honest book that will be greatly appreciated by anyone else in this situation. We live in a world of silence and isolation, how can you ever complain when you can walk, talk, hear, etc. You would be considered extremely selfish. The life of a sibling of a disabled person is very distorted.

Thank you, Ms. McHugh for your courage.

15 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Special View of Life's Longest Relationship, November 24, 2002

By	Robert A. Naseef (Philadelphia, PA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

It's been called life's longest relationship, and our bond with our siblings usually is just that. Who else could witness our joys and sorrows and put their arms around us through all of life's seasons? With whom else will we share such conflicted feelings of love, hate, rivalry, and reconciliation for so long? To a large extent the biblical tragedy of Cain and Abel haunts every family and every generation. Therefore learning to navigate and face these intense and uncomfortable feelings is a passageway to a healthy adulthood.

As if hurt, resentment, anger, and rage aren't enough, the family crucible is even more complex when a sibling is born with or develops a disability. Parents struggle to be fair to the special and unique needs of each child. Typically developing children watch their parents struggle and feel their own grief as well for what might have been-along with embarrassment and guilt. In the new revised edition of Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability, Mary McHugh helps readers to understand that life's inequities are unavoidable.

"Children who grow up with a brother or sister with a disability learn early that life is unfair," says Mary McHugh, an accomplished writer and the sibling of Jack, a man with cerebral palsy and mental retardation. "They have to learn that often the child with the disability must come first; they must face the fact that not everyone will want to be their friend because of the sibling with the disability; they must learn to accept that people will often stare at their brothers and sisters.... My advice for them is all these things are hard lessons to learn but they make you strong enough to deal with anything life presents you with when you are an adult."

McHugh's research for this book included interviews with more than 100 siblings - in their teens, 20's 30's and 40's - of people with special needs in an effort to understand her own feelings. Her inquiries show that they share more than a brother or sister with a disability. "Growing up with a special sibling makes you compassionate and kind to every human being you meet; it makes you a good problem solver; it makes you tolerant of religious differences, racial differences, other disabilities, old people, etc. It often makes you an achiever who works to make the world a better place. In short, you will probably be the kind of person other people want as a friend."

As Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project, at Children's Hospital of Seattle writes, "In her remarkably wise book, Mary McHugh masterfully blends her experiences and the experiences of others with insights from clinical research. Although McHugh doesn't shy away from the troublesome aspects of sibling relationships, Special Siblings also describes the remarkable attributes seen in many brothers and sisters of people with special needs."

Throughout the book, as Brookes Publishing outlines, McHugh explores the spectrum of feelings- from anger and guilt to love and pride - and helps readers understand the issues siblings may encounter in

· childhood - such as dealing with their own needs for attention and information, identifying with their parents' grief, understanding their sibling's disability, and coping with their own feelings

· adolescence - such as participating in family discussions, fitting in with peers, searching for their own identity, and talking to a counselor or therapist

· adulthood - such as building a support system, navigating adult relationships, deciding whether to have children, and planning for their sibling's future care

McHugh wants siblings to understand that they are not alone. She has included an extensive list of resources in the back of her book. She urges people to go to sibling support groups and talk to other siblings about our often-unacceptable feelings where they will find unconditional acceptance. The one thing Mary McHugh would like to assure every special sibling: "That you will probably grow up to be a very fine person: strong, compassionate able to cope with just about anything that comes along, loving, tolerant, an achiever who will make a difference in the world. The world will be a better place because you're in it."

Readers may wonder if things would be different for McHugh if she and her brother were growing up today. While attitudes toward people with disabilities have improved and access to services has generally increased, family dynamics have remained largely unchanged. The family is our most intimate social setting, and it is there that we are the most vulnerable. Communicating about our pain and resentment diffuses our anger and allows for healing and lifelong cooperation. These are lessons we all must learn, and in this regard children with special needs can be a catalyst.

Emotional, wise and intelligent, this book is a must-read for teen and adult siblings. This is also an indispensable resource for parents who are agonizing over how to do their jobs fairly-one of the most common questions I am asked in my role as a psychologist who specializes in the family life issues. Professionals who support people with disabilities and their families will be likewise enlightened in their roles. Complex matters are so often made clear by the simple yet profound reflections of children. Special Siblings by Mary McHugh is a special contribution that succeeds because it captures the essence of that voice from siblings of all ages including herself.
Special Children, Challenged Parents: The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars a small masterpiece, February 7, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Special Siblings: Growing Up With Someone With a Disability (Hardcover)

=Special Siblings= is a small masterpiece focusing on both the world of the developmentally disabled and the often-forgotten world of their ``normal'' siblings. McHugh's unflinchingly honest, warm, empathetic look at the mixed emotions and unique responsibilities ``normal'' siblings face should be a standard reference book not only for those working with the developmentally disabled, but everyone out there who knows someone with a special sibling...and everyone out there who doesn't.