Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors (Paperback)

by Ken Graber (Author) "If you are the partner of a sexual abuse survivor, you are not alone..." (more)
Key Phrases: secondary dependencies, understanding the abuser, sexual abuse experience (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
While it is important for abuse survivors to get help, all too often their partners are forgotten. Ken Graber's book is for those forgotten victims whose lives have also been affected by the sexual abuse their partners have suffered.

About the Author
Ken Graber, M.A., is an experienced social worker and supervisor. He is also a certified Values Realization Trainer who facilitates self-esteem raising seminars.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 152 pages
• Publisher: HCI; First Paper edition (April 1, 1991)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 155874116X
• ISBN-13: 978-1558741164
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars See all reviews (18 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #203,809 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars EXCELLENT FIRST BOOK FOR THE PARTNER AND THE SURVIVOR., October 26, 1999

By A Customer

There are other good books out there for couples dealing with the afteraffects of childhood sexual abuse, but I recommend reading this book first. It's a quick read and packed full of information. The author gives a quick overview of what lies ahead for the couple, what to expect and how to handle the survivor's changing behavior, the importance of us as partners to look inside ourselves for our own issues and areas for improvement, skills for good communication, suggestions on resolving conflict, coping and overcoming difficult situations, etc. Also good for a survivor to read. It helped my partner and I understand each other more clearly. It gave me hope to "hang in there" with my partner and know that with time, and both of us working together, we have a good future ahead of us free from the afteraffects of past abuse. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Not quite what I thought it would be, May 26, 2006

By	A reader (Illinois, USA) - See all my reviews

The title of this book is misleading. Only about 10% of the book is targeted toward partners of incest survivors and not childhood sexual abuse survivors in general, and it isn't a very long book. A lot of the issues I thought a book for partners of incest survivors in specific would discuss weren't addressed or only grazed on. I didn't feel like it had a lot of sound and non-obvious advice for helping my partner deal with some of his more complicated emotions or my own feelings in regards to his abuse. I felt like a lot of the book was just repeatedly saying, "Be careful, don't be co-dependant! You're probably co-dependant if you were attracted to a victim of sexual abuse! In fact you probably were abused yourself! Reading books alone won't help you, get into a 12 steps program or see a therapist!" as far as your own emotions went and as far as helping your partner it could be summed up as, "Don't be needlessly harsh, cruel, and insensitive!" Aside from that the focus seemed narrowly set on survivors who were traumatically abused by parents. The only mention of sibling-sibling abuse seemed to write it off as more likely than not harmless if the children were in a similar age range, downplaying the potential for damage if the abuser is only a few years older and things were fairly consensually even if the younger sibling was being robbed of a well-paced sexual development. Other issues only briefly mentioned were the complex emotions partners might have to face when interacting with the involved family member(s) once they've obtained knowledge of the abuse and seeing their partner continue to remain close with their abusers, survivors still having unwanted lingering attractions to their abusers, and the emotions of survivors who never repressed the memory and felt abandoned when they got old enough that abuse ceased. Overall I would have to say the book didn't help me very much, I wouldn't really recommend it unless I knew a person was having trouble understanding the facts and misdirecting their anger about the events on their partner instead of their partner's abuser.

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must-read for partners of incest survivors, August 30, 2003

By	Deaf Writer "deafwriter" (Grand Rapids, MI United States) - See all my reviews

Being a survivor myself, and suffering from several mental illnesses, including Dissociative Identity Disorder, I was married eight years before my husband decided to talk with my current therapist and figure out things like: Why I can't just get over it or Why, when having a flashback, I can't simply say, "Oh, this is nothing but my imagination." My therapist recommended this book to him.

At first, the book seemed a bit on the old side, but as we read, we discovered many nuggets and wonderment within. This book will explain to partners of incest survivors what the process is (internally) in dealing with trauma, the stages, how to get over their own denials and feelings, how to deal with a strained sex life, dealing with core issues, problem areas, children, transference, the traits of an abuser, the traits of a survivor, getting and staying healthy, finding partner's support groups, etc.

My personal favorite chapter is the one on understanding the survivor. It talks of every kind of characteristic from low sex drive to self-harm to eating disorders and beyond. This book is an asset to anyone interested in truama, but a MUST for anyone married to or seeing someone who's encountered incest of any sort. Highly recommended! :v)