No Man Knows My Pastries: The Secret Not Sacred Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen (Paperback)

~ (Author), Michael G. Wightman (Author)

Editorial Reviews

Review

Roger Salazar emerges from two hours in make-up ready for another book appearance. In his arms is an enormous, multicolored, molded Jell-O. "I never thought I would parlay my theater degree into book promotion," says Salazar, author of No Man Knows My Pastries: The Secret (not Sacred) Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen. In nylons, permed wig, and press-on nails, Salazar has become Sister Enid Christensen, the quintessential Mormon housewife. Elaborating on the spiritual aspects of Jell-O sculpting, Salazar hints that his new cookbook published by Signature Books is a tongue-in-cheek parody of life in Utah. He is quick to brag that he knows hundreds of ways to prepare Jell-o, zucchini, and spam "three prerequisites to any successful suburban Utah meal." "I'm so proud to come from the Jell-O Belt," jokes Salazar, "which you may know stretches all the way from Burley, Idaho to Snowflake, Arizona. West Valley City (a suburb of Salt Lake City) is, of course, the Jell-O capital of the world!" Sister Christensen considers her recipes the height of haute cuisine. "These days people are tired of steak and potatoes," she says. "they crave more sophisticated dishes like casseroles." She breaks into a husky, contra-alto rendition of "Casserole-serole" to the tune of "Que Sera, Sera." "It's time for Martha Stewart to move over," laughs this self- proclaimed 'post-feminist icon,' "because people like me are coming out of the kitchen. It's the nineties, after all." No Man Knows My Pastries, with over 100 recipes and 50 photographs, bridges the gap between easy and edible, fast and fashionable. "It liberates housewives and house-husbands from kitchen drudgery, allowing them to focus on basic family values like sitting around the T.V." She adds, "Fast foods are glorious technological advances brought forth to assist in spreading the good word from the good book. Cooking from scratch leaves little time for church and family." "At first I was reluctant to share my special recipes," Sister Christensen explains. "It was not until God told me I was hiding my light under a bushel, and my dear friend Roger promised me advanced royalties, that I agreed to part with my sweet family's favorite recipes." Sister Christensen's creations include such mouthwatering temptations as "Sweet and Sour Spam," "Fig and Orange Jell-O Mold," "Sausage Souffle," "Tomato Soup Cake," "Processed Cheese Dip," "Bologna Angel Wings" (for the holidays), "Lumpy Dick" (a dumpling delicacy), and "Irish Postum" (Mormons don't drink coffee). "There may actually be some recipes in this book that can be used to make something edible," says Salt Lake Tribune's book reviewer Paul Swenson, "but mostly it should be kept out of the kitchen. You need a room with plenty of space to lie down and roll around in spasms of hilarity, away from hot surfaces and sharp objects." --Associated Press

Product Description

"A Marvelous Work with Wonder Bread," "Jesus-Fed-the-Multitudes Tuna Helper," and "I Knead Thee Every Hour Rolls" are among the special heirloom recipes reluctantly shared by Sister Christensen in No Man Knows My Pastries. This faux cook book chronicles the special love affair Mormons have with lowbrow eating and provides easy, step-by-step directions for preparation of the likes of bologna mock chicken wings. Sister Christensen illustrates her favorite culinary hints with photographs of herself with her buns in the kitchen and of Brother Christensen at his TV tray wolfing down her delectable delights. Her ingenious "Jell-O-Matrix" will help readers match flavors and ingredients with appropriate party themes; her "Mauve Wedding Punch" is guaranteed to match bridesmaids' dresses; and kids will "massacre" her "Mountain Meadows Muffins." From "In-Breads" to "Just Desserts," everyone can savor the self-identified "kreme" of Utah cuisine. "I've been mobbed for a recipe after more than one pot luck," Sister Christensen admits in her preface. It "makes me sad to think there are brethren and sisters who have not discovered the joy of diced Spam casserole." Out of duty to the betterment of ward dinners everywhere, she was persuaded to go into print. "So, sisters," she concludes, "get out your aprons and let's get cooking."

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Product Details

• Paperback: 127 pages
• Publisher: Signature Books (November 15, 1992)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1560850280
• ISBN-13: 978-1560850281
• Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 6.7 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #1,285,957 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Celestial Recipes and Satirical Sociology, January 11, 2008

By	Tuisto (Seattle, WA United States) - See all my reviews

Since Mitt Romney's Presidential bid, discussion blogs are overloaded with people asking about Mormon beliefs, but there are few asking about Mormon cultural norms, which arguably could have a bigger impact on a Romney White House. This hilarious gem of a recipe book provides incisive tongue-in-cheek insight into Mormon culture in Utah and Idaho, as well as a hidden treasure of recipes by Sister Enid Christensen.

From Tuna a la King of Kings and Adam's Barbecued Short Ribs to Legislature Weenies and Suppresso, both Latter Day Saints with a sense of humor and those who have lived among them will delight in this buffet of tasty treats.

Savory morsels of history with a dash of theology are artfully blended with wholesome family social structure into a Utah feast. The family tree at the begininng of the chapter on "In-Breads" explains LDS cosmology, genealogy, history, plural marriage and naming conventions all in one easy diagram.

Let the kids make Bologna Angel Wings and try constructing a Sugar Cube Temple (if you happen to have 26,000 sugar cubes on hand) while you sip on Joseph and Emma's Afternoon Delight. One can only wish for a supplement on tapioca salads and home-canned goods.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Sister Enid Chews the Right, May 29, 2007

By	Brent R. Swanson "coffee shop inspector" (Crooper, Illinois) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

If you live in the northern Utah/southeastern Idaho region, this book is legendary. It's one of those things that seems to be passed back and forth under the table; some people have seen it and others can quote whole passages from it. I was finally "gifted" a used copy by a gay friend, and I have to admit, this book is the damnedest thing: a humor classic that is also an incisive (but gentle) satire of a regional/religious culture, and above all else, a cookbook.

Sister Enid Christensen is the LDS housewife and mother to end them all: a Stake Relief Society Ancestral Recipe Coordinator whose duties coincide with the care and feeding of her husband and their "eternal family." Ingredients for the recipes are the stuff of the odds-and-ends cupboard: Ritz Crackers, Jell-O mix, leftover candy; the end results are Sunday horrors such as "Jell-O Ribbon Loaf" and "Franked Corn Things." Accompanying the recipes are photos of Sister Enid and her husband LaMar reveling in the eternal bliss of their kitchen or the hallowed glow of "Conference" over the living room television.

The Christensens are the alter-egos of Roger Salazar and Michael Wightman, two gay men who have brilliantly revealed the regional culture without eviscerating it. The Christensens may be harrowingly moribund in a box store, lock step lifestyle, but they're lovably goofy too, rendering this book a minor masterpiece of humor and pathos.

I can quibble about just two things: the "Jello-O Belt" shown on page 6 actually extends all the way north to Rexburg, Idaho, if not just beyond to St. Anthony. There's also no recipe for the famous "Funeral Potatoes" (a.k.a. "Party Potatoes"). But as one of my gay neighbors told me, "If you don't know that one already, you haven't lived here long enough."

5.0 out of 5 stars A fun and lively survey of Mormon cookery, March 10, 2009

By	Midwest Book Review (Oregon, WI USA) - See all my reviews

Deserving of ongoing recommendation is NO MAN KNOWS MY PASTRIES, a fun and lively survey of Mormon cookery pairing a healthy dose of humor with recipes for everything from Sweet and Sour Hot Dogs (spiced with apple or currant jelly) to a Spam casserole and Wonder Bread side dish.