The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself (Paperback)

by Sue Patton Thoele (Author)
Key Phrases: tender trap, other stepmoms, worry habit, Stage Two, Martha Anne, Expectation Tigers

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
A stepmother constantly sees to others’ needs — those of her spouse, her kids, his kids, their kids. She also has to work so hard to maintain her marriage or deal with the emotional turmoil that can follow divorce and marrying again, that she may neglect her own needs. It’s no wonder, then, that stepmothers often ask: Who’s taking care of me?

This is where Sue Patton Thoele steps in, offering practical advice and emotional support in a new edition of her book, The Courage to Be a Stepmom. Much has been written about the nuts and bolts of stepmothering — dealing with a hostile ex-wife, learning to discipline effectively — but this book is the first to focus on the stepmother’s characteristic emotional and spiritual needs.

Stepmothers are often expected to care for their stepchildren as a parent would, yet their efforts frequently go unappreciated and are sometimes met with hostility. Also, they are often targets of misplaced anger or are reminded that they are not the "real mother." Amid such stresses, marriages fray and sometimes fall apart. But according to Ms. Thoele, with the proper skills, women can learn to navigate the pitfalls, get the most from relationships, and meet their own needs.

Thoele’s book addresses stepmothers’ commonly felt emotions — guilt, shame, grief, frustration, and fear — and offers hands-on advice for acknowledging and dealing with them. A practical handbook and comforting friend, this book should be read by every woman who finds herself in the stepmother’s role.

From the Publisher
This revised edition is a phenomenal resource, written with a positive slant, that breaks the myths of stepmotherhood.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Wildcat Canyon Press; 2nd edition (April 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1571781293
• ISBN-13: 978-1571781291
• Product Dimensions: 7.1 x 5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.5 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars See all reviews (35 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #77,358 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

40 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Source of Sustenance and Hope for Stepmoms, January 22, 2005

By	DC Reader "DC Reader" (Washington, DC United States) - See all my reviews

I bought a copy of "The Courage to Be A Stepmom - Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself" after my husband and I began dating and found it to be very down-to-earth - although as a stepmom to be, I couldn't quite relate to everything in it just yet. Now with two years of marriage under my belt, I can say her appraisal of the situation was honest. Our first year of marriage was an emotional roller-coaster for me - I was surprised by the depth of my emotions and how they would just bubble out sometimes. The book is divided into five sections discussing: (1) why stepmothering is difficult, (2) how stepmothering can be manageable and (even) enjoyable, (3) how to take care of yourself, (4) strengthening your marriage, and (5) gathering the gifts - meaning reaping in the harvest of your emotional investment in building a stepfamily. This is a very reflective and insightful book - one that encourages stepmoms to feel their way gently into their role within a stepfamily, to not push stepchildren too hard for acceptance, and to gather strength and comfort from within. It also talks about how to avoid harboring bitterness and closing off oneself emotionally - advocating instead that we have the courage to love our spouses and to forge ties with our new stepfamily members. It addresses not only the practical feelings that emerge for many stepmothers, but also spiritual and emotional health. Some may find the book's rather wishy-washy feel-good spiritual nature a little disquieting (it advocates that stepmothering be embraced as a spiritual journey), but many will appreciate the book's emphasis on health in all its aspects - and truly we are all affected in our personal attitude and spirit by how we view our role in a stepfamily.

31 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A great addition to the stepfamily literature; highly recomm, April 2, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself (Paperback)

The Courage To Be A Stepmom reflects author Sue Patton Thoele's considerable experience in the area of empowering and encouraging women to grow spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. Perhaps more importantly, Ms. Thoele's willingness to draw extensively from her own experience as a stepmother brings the subject matter alive and will leave most readers feeling that it really is okay to take some wrong turns on the long and sometimes arduous journey from novice to "stepmother emeritus."

The Courage to Be a Stepmom skillfully covers the basics-keeping expectations reasonable, going slowly, strengthening the marriage, and so on. There's good, practical advice to be found in its pages. However, it moves ahead of many of the contemporary books on stepparenting and stepfamilies in its ability to present its subject in the context of personal growth. Ms. Thoele, often through personal example, encourages stepmothers to continually look within and work with their feelings, expectations and beliefs as they face the challenges of building a successful stepfamily. The underlying premise of the book is that you have to be willing to grow yourself if you want to promote growth in your stepfamily, and secondly, that this is an extremely challenging, sometimes painful, but potentially quite rewarding process.

Particularly strong, I think, are her chapters on taking care of yourself. Sue Thoele adeptly blends together established concepts about nurturing the self with anecdotes derived from the nearly forty stepmothers she interviewed for the book. What emerges is a compassionate model for caring for others from a position of caring for yourself. These chapters will be particularly useful to new stepmothers who have a tendency to be self-sacrificing in an effort to win the approval of both their stepchildren and their new spouse-a strategy that almost invariably backfires.

The Courage To Be a Stepmom succeeds in its goal to emotionally prepare and inform stepmothers who are new to the role as well as to support and encourage those who are several years into the process. It will be an important tool for women seeking to "survive-and eventually thrive-as a stepmom."

22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars One of the best..., February 10, 2002

By	Karon Goodman (Oxford, AL United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself (Paperback)

The author, a psychotherapist and a stepmother, begins her comforting book by helping the reader understand the impact of her past and present on her family. She stresses the need for flexibility as stepmoms search for the courage to be "teachers of love and connection."

She discusses reasonable and realistic expectations and how the stepmom can exercise her right to boundaries without jeopardizing her marriage. The eight concise "stepmuddling" steps are a practical guide for getting through the typical stepfamily struggles.

Mrs. Thoele encourages the reader to be a "true friend" to herself by holding on to what sustains her and taking care of her marriage. She also provides tips to guide the stepmom in helping her own children adjust to the new family.

You'll find inspiration in "Gathering the Gifts," in which the author discusses the gifts that we receive from stepchildren and the spiritual gifts that we would not have so fully developed in perhaps another family situation. The "Twenty Guidelines for Stepmoms" are right on target and equally applicable to stepdads.

One sentence of the book speaks for us all as we struggle to find the courage that we need to succeed in our demanding role against incredible odds: "I believe that I did the best I could considering who I was at the time." Keep doing the best you can where you are.