Undefended Love (Paperback)

by Marlena S. Lyons (Author), Jett Psaris (Author), Gay Hendricks (Foreword), Kathlyn Hendricks (Foreword) "Our sense of urgency to have relationships that feel intimate is often frustrated by a lack of understanding about what intimacy is, how to achieve..." (more)
Key Phrases: undefended intimacy, cracked identity, cracked identities (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
The path to true intimacy is a difficult one. In this book, two psychotherapists teach that everyone has the capacity to love without defenses or qualifications and to know themselves so deeply that real intimacy becomes a lifelong expression of their deepest nature. Problems and conflicts that inevitably arise in relationships can become opportunities for a deeper connection. Through illuminating case studies, guided self-inquiries, and challenging exercises, readers learn to engage in a deeper dialogue with their partners, express profound aspects of their nature, and discover that undefended loving can bolster inner strengths they never knew they had. "This beautifully written work is a stunning breakthrough in the field of books on relationships." - Pat Holt, former book review editor, San Francisco Chronicle

Product Details

• Paperback: 176 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (October 30, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572242086
• ISBN-13: 978-1572242081
• Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 6 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars See all reviews (35 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #10,242 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

42 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A psychotherapist's goldmine., July 21, 2002

By	Gerda K.Young, Ph.D. (Menlo Park, CA. USA) - See all my reviews

I have been a couples therapist for more than twenty years, and have never felt satisfied with the efficacy of existing approaches. In my clinical opinion, the Undefended Love model is the most exciting development in the field. I have never seen such a sensitive, compelling, respectful process. What Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons have done in less than 200 pages is present a comprehensive theory of human development, describe the personality as an intricate self-defense structure, and delineate the ways our distorted beliefs about ourselves create identities that hide our vulnerability as we present ourselves to the world and even to those to whom we feel close.

The ways in which these resulting structures prevent us from being able to sustain an intimate bond are discovered by way of a series of questions and processes which lead us to the only source of transformation, ourselves.

Their model addresses human beings on every level, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and regardless of where the individual is in their life, the processes steadily lead the person closer to the undefended self.

Their concepts are original and arresting: essential self, cracked identity, compensatory identity. The simplicity of their techniques for guiding individuals and couples into their internal landscape belies the power that they possess to bring a person to self-discovery and self-responsibility. The arrow is artfully turned from outside to inside, the road to intimacy, first with self, then with the other.

Psaris and Lyons provide the reader with the means to explore themselves and their relationships in a way that gently expands their capacity to create fulfilment. I highly recommend this book to mental health professionals and to anyone interested in the human condition. And, all of this wisdom is wrapped in beautiful language. It is a treasure, and a pleasure to read.

Gerda K.Young, Ph.D.

31 of 31 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars To Love Is To Be Human, January 2, 2001

By	aharding (Wellesley, Ma United States) - See all my reviews

Undefended Love is by far one of the most insightful explanations of our human condition. The concepts are expressed clearly and in a manner that invites the reader to participate in the process of self discovery. While many of the ideas may be familiar to those who have read self help books or books about relationships, this book makes it possible to begin a personal and meaningful journey to embracing your true self. We shouldn't try to fulfill our needs through someone else,but rather find within ourselves the ability to satisfy our own needs with the magic that resides in all of us. Psaris and Lyons challenge our beliefs and guide us to an understanding that painful feelings are clues to our core identity and should be investigated not avoided if we intend to deepen our relationship with ourselves and others. They broaden our thinking by explaining that we all implement behavioral strategies to avoid uncomfortable or painful feelings in thr belief that it is necessary to cover up our vulnerabilities. We mistakenly describe a successful relationship as one in which we get all our needs met, but this is both myth and mistake. We must look to deepen our basic appreciation of ourself in order to connect intimately with someone else.

The book is unusual in that the authors provide us with the questions we need to ask in order to begin to uncover our own truths. They provide us with a road map that helps the reader to manuever successfully through the obstacles we all use to protect the image that we have created for others to see because we are either lack the courage to show our true selves or we don't know who we really are. If you believe in love, then this is a must read! I loved this book so much that I bought 7 copies over the last 4 months to give to friends and my therapist!!

37 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and well thought out....., March 20, 2006

By	Patrick D. Goonan "www.meaningful-life.us" (Pleasanton, CA) - See all my reviews (TOP 50 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This is a well-written book on love and relationships that goes way beyond the average popular psychology book. This book puts a simple powerful model and practical tools for deep inquiry into people's hands. The authors' approach is deep and effective. For those willing to do the work as well as read about the concepts, this book will be very rewarding and potentially transforming.

Undefended Love borrows a lot of ideas from Enneagram theory and from psychology. A primary assumption of the book is that in order for change to occur you must get beyong your compensatory personality into authentic emotional experience. It is only by being in the moment and feeling what is behind the personality that one can truly grow. It is a very transpersonal approach to development and the analogies and examples will be easy for the average person to identify with.

I work in the mental health field and in business. I love this book because the models are easy to apply and they really work. If you are looking to increase the intimacy in your relationship or with yourself, this book will definitely help you, especially if you have difficulty being in touch with your emotions.

The gist of this model is that your surface personality exists in layers and was built up over time. It was constructed to protect you from hurt, but it also shields you from what is going on at the deepest levels of your Being. The principles in this text help you to understand your defensive mechanisms and disidentify from them, so that you have a felt sense of your core wound or deepest need. By feeling into this space, this model suggests that you can experience a felt shift and that your authentic Self will emerge naturally from engaging in this process. By trusting your own inner wisdom and process, whatever is needed for you to heal will emerge organically.

This is a very optimistic psychology because another assumption is that you are incorruptable and untouchabe at the deepest level. This book is about finding your way back to this space by getting out of your head and riding your feelings like waves into the deepest recesses of your soul.

My experience working with the ideas in this book both with myself and clients is that it is a very powerful and practical method. The workshop that goes by the same name is also very good and I believe has won some awards. This isn't just another self help book and the work isn't easy. However, if you are serious about real change, the concepts can be potentially life transforming.

I am primarily a cognitive person. However, these ideas helped me tremendously to connect with my vulnerability and the broader contexts that emotions provide. While there is a bias in our culture about emotions, we actually spend a lot of our leisure time trying to manipulate them. This book is honors emotion as a source of non-verbal knowledge and shows you how to compliment or get past thinking processes that keep you stuck.

The title is actually very descriptive of the book. It teaches you how to be intimate with yourself and others in an undefended way. This means getting the ego out of the way so that your deepest, most authentic and magnificent self can come forward.