Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner (Paperback)

by Nina W. Brown (Author) "Loving a self-absorbed person is hard work, as your needs and desires most often have to take second place or are ignored..." (more)
Key Phrases: underdeveloped narcissism, destructive narcissist, narcissistic partner, Scale Directions, Total Scoring Add, Awareness Exercise (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
With 5 million Americans suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and another 10 million with the less severe syndrome Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, Loving the Self-Absorbed is a timely book. Author Nina Brown gives readers specific steps for limiting the effect of a partner's narcissistic behavior and getting what they need out of the relationship. She explains the five types of "destructive narcissism" and how to recognize their effects on a relationship. Realistic strategies show how to set mutually agreeable behaviors. Because narcissists lack natural empathy, Brown teaches readers how to change their own "fantasy" expectations, create boundaries, learn new "attending behaviors," listen and respond in a self-caring way, and learn when to avoid and ignore especially bad behavior.

Product Details

• Paperback: 180 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (June 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572243546
• ISBN-13: 978-1572243545
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #65,298 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

116 of 117 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Helpful , December 2, 2004

By	Gloria - See all my reviews

This book might have been better titled Living With the Self-Absorbed. Sometimes a person must live with or continue to have a relationship with a self-absorbed person, and this book is very helpful in that aspect. It is extremely difficult to love someone who is capable of loving only him or herself, but this books presents ways to live and deal with this person without losing one's sense of self. There are exercises provided that can also help the reader improve their own relationship skills, not only with the self-absorbed, but with others as well. The most effective way to deal with the self-absorbed is not to have to deal with them at all. If that is not an option, this book is worth reading to help the reader keep his or her perspective and reality intact, which is a challenge when living with the self-absorbed.

103 of 111 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Life's too short, April 9, 2004

By A Customer

This book does an admirable job of validating what anyone who's been in close consort with someone with NPD already knows. It's also laugh-out-loud funny! It describes scenarios that the "experienced" will recognize immediately. Then it tells us how to 'cope'; how to create and don emotional insulation, etc. The question then becomes, "Why would anyone want to do this?" Life's about choices. If you're trying to come to a "decision" about remaining in a relationship with a narcissist, then this book will let you know what you'll have to do to try to keep some sanity! It gives no "advice" but, having been there, I will - "run like hell and never look back".

57 of 62 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This is why you should..., May 26, 2006

By	Martinka (Bloomington, IN) - See all my reviews

I agree wholeheartidly with the reviewer who asked Why would you try to have a relationship with a person who is narcistic, they are completely devoid of empathy. (etc). Indeed, if you even suspect that your potential partner is narcisitic, run for your life! However, if your situation is similar to mine, this book is a godsend. I married at a very young age my first boyfriend, when I got pregnant after just a couple months of dating. He had a reputation of being a "communist swine", but I thought he was just misunderstood. (...) Being very young (=stupid) and being able to get along with all kinds of people, I underestimated what marriage ment. His abusive behaviour, present from the very start of the relationship, kept getting worse, especially when he felt his most prized posesion, ie his trophy wife, was too independent or withdrawn. (I was avoiding him as much as I could.) During the last 8 years of marriage, about once a month he initiated confrontations where he used both emotional manipulation and physical intimidation (either holding me against my will or pushing me with his stomach into the corner of the kitchen). I am not sure if anyone who did not experience a 6'3", 300 lbs closing in on her 125pounds can understand how unsetlling such an act is. Anyway, after these periodic confrontations, I always became moderately to severely depressed and it took me weeks to climb out of the hole. The marriage lasted 16 years. All that time, I thougth I was failing at something, and the fact that I could not get through to him was a source of frustration and helplessness, if not despere.

After the divorce I still have to have contact with my ex. (children). But even if I did not, I had emotional scars resulting from that relationship. This book was extremely helpful to me. Not only did it describe my ex'es behaviour, it also showed how I was "collaborating" with his destructiveness. It also validated that such people are extremely difficult to deal with (this was very helpful to me personally). Finally, the book includes a number of coping mechanism. Some of these are ***COUNTER*** to how any reasonable people interact. From my personal experience I can say that the suggestions made in the book are dead on. (In retrospect, this explains why my attempts to communicate, work out issues etc with my ex were always futile.) Since the best what you can do when dealing with a person of this nature is so contrary to everything we are tought since we're babies, this book can help change your life.

Thanks to this book I am now able to survive with just minor irritations encounters with my ex. I am facing another challenge: I found out first hand yesterday that he is now using the same methods on the children. How do you empower an 8 year old and a teeneager so that they are equipped to deal with a destructive father? Nina, please write another book quickly. :)