Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series) [Large Print] (Hardcover)

~ (Author), Jeff MacNelly (Illustrator) "In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula: 1. Take your..." (more)
Key Phrases: Other Black Holes, Other Bleak Holes, Closing Ceremony (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

So much classic humor comes from anxiety--think of all the befuddled "little men," from James Thurber to Bud Abbott to Woody Allen. One of the most breakdown-inspiring activities in modern life is buying a house, and Dave Barry is a battle-scarred vet of the whole real estate experience. This book is his therapy.

There's nobody better than Barry to mine this territory, and every page of Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes yields up nuggets of the good stuff. Here are a few words from somebody who has been there, done that: "Most experts recommend that, for maximum effectiveness, you should look at forty-five or even fifty houses per day. Experienced home shoppers often reach the point where they can leap out of the real estate broker's car, look at a house, and get back into the car before it reaches a complete stop."

The book also discusses the myriad details of settling into your new life, including a section on making new enemies, dealing with contractors, and redecorating. "The main tip you will pick up is that if you want your house to look really nice, you do not necessarily have to have professional training or even a 'flair' for design; all you need is to have more money than the human mind can comprehend."

As always, Barry is assisted throughout by the illustrations of Jeff (Shoe) MacNelly, making Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes a very funny book and excellent housewarming gift. --Michael Gerber --This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

Product Description

"Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him."
--The New York Times Book Review
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET
At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before:
What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?
Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six.
Can you recommend a good mortgage?
There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead.
How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?
Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too.
Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?
Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.
--This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 115 pages
• Publisher: Thomas T Beeler; Lrg edition (December 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1574905376
• ISBN-13: 978-1574905373
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #2,227,563 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dave Barry Home Again, June 27, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

This is one of Dave's funniest books, and, as always, it's well worth the money. Read it. Because where else could you find an auther who writes about plumbing and gorilla nests in the same book??!

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The funny side of home ownership, February 4, 2005

By	Andrew W. Johns "ResQgeek" (Alexandria, VA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

Its probably a good thing I wasn't drinking anything as I read this book, because I would have frequently sprayed the pages with my beverage if I had! Dave Barry takes aim at the trials and tribulations of home ownership, and hits the mark as accurately as he does any of his targets. This is funny stuff, best appreciated by those of us who have actually been there and done that. I had to read a number of passages to my wife, but her favorite was the bit about finding a pediatric group after moving. There is one piece of advice in here that I might actually follow when we finally are ready to move again: "Set fire to your household goods...and just walk away."

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars How to make yourself miserable in your spare time, March 29, 2003

By	E. A Solinas "ea_solinas" (MD USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 10 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

If you have ever moved, chances are that you never want to do it again. And Dave Barry is quite willing to remind you why moving is such a hideous experience, and why if you ever get the urge to do it again, you should lock yourself in a broom closet until your fit of insanity passes.

Among other things, Dave explains why your furniture takes so long to arrive (it involves primitive harvesters in the jungle) and why you will hate it when it arrives; what is and is not a good neighborhood ("I [heart] my Pit Bull" is bad); the horrifying thing called a mortgage; home repair and why you should not do it yourself; making enemies with your neighbors and their big savage dogs; garage sales; moving stuff out of your old house ("Tropical fish should be individually wadded up in newspaper") and into your new house ("... which will give your possessions an opportunity to scurry, giggling, back out to the truck so that you may carry them inside again").

Basically, if the idea of moving doesn't scare you before you read the book, it definitely will afterwards. Dave explains in horribly, humorously accurate descriptions, just what will happen when you try to move from one house to another. His viewpoint is only warped by the bizarre mindset of one who has tried to move and is still scarred by the experience.

So if you ever look around your house and think that you need more space, or a chance of scenery, have the doctor prescribe you something. But only after you've read this book.