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Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series)
  
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Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series) [Large Print] (Hardcover)

~ (Author), Jeff MacNelly (Illustrator) "In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula: 1. Take your..." (more)
Key Phrases: Other Black Holes, Other Bleak Holes, Closing Ceremony (more...)
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)

Price: $27.95 & this item ships for FREE with Super Saver Shipping. Details
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Hardcover, Large Print $27.95  
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  • This item: Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series) by Dave Barry

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  • Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys by Dave Barry

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

So much classic humor comes from anxiety--think of all the befuddled "little men," from James Thurber to Bud Abbott to Woody Allen. One of the most breakdown-inspiring activities in modern life is buying a house, and Dave Barry is a battle-scarred vet of the whole real estate experience. This book is his therapy.

There's nobody better than Barry to mine this territory, and every page of Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes yields up nuggets of the good stuff. Here are a few words from somebody who has been there, done that: "Most experts recommend that, for maximum effectiveness, you should look at forty-five or even fifty houses per day. Experienced home shoppers often reach the point where they can leap out of the real estate broker's car, look at a house, and get back into the car before it reaches a complete stop."

The book also discusses the myriad details of settling into your new life, including a section on making new enemies, dealing with contractors, and redecorating. "The main tip you will pick up is that if you want your house to look really nice, you do not necessarily have to have professional training or even a 'flair' for design; all you need is to have more money than the human mind can comprehend."

As always, Barry is assisted throughout by the illustrations of Jeff (Shoe) MacNelly, making Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes a very funny book and excellent housewarming gift. --Michael Gerber --This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

Product Description

"Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him."
--The New York Times Book Review
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET
At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before:
What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?
Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six.
Can you recommend a good mortgage?
There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead.
How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?
Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too.
Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?
Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.
--This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 115 pages
  • Publisher: Thomas T Beeler; Lrg edition (December 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1574905376
  • ISBN-13: 978-1574905373
  • Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 0.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
  • Amazon.com Sales Rank: #2,227,563 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

More About the Author

Dave Barry
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Inside This Book (learn more)
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First Sentence:
In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula: 1. Take your total annual family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won fourteen million dollars. Read the first page
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Other Black Holes, Other Bleak Holes, Closing Ceremony, Pediatric Group, Terrible Thing, Uncle Roger, Hookup Man, Good Housekeeping, Helpful Seller, Packing People, Seeing Eye, South Florida, Third World
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Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
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What Do Customers Ultimately Buy After Viewing This Item?

Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series)
73% buy the item featured on this page:
Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series) 4.6 out of 5 stars (9)
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Customer Reviews

9 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.6 out of 5 stars (9 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Dave Barry Home Again, June 27, 1999
By A Customer
This is one of Dave's funniest books, and, as always, it's well worth the money. Read it. Because where else could you find an auther who writes about plumbing and gorilla nests in the same book??!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars The funny side of home ownership, February 4, 2005
By Andrew W. Johns "ResQgeek" (Alexandria, VA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)      
Its probably a good thing I wasn't drinking anything as I read this book, because I would have frequently sprayed the pages with my beverage if I had! Dave Barry takes aim at the trials and tribulations of home ownership, and hits the mark as accurately as he does any of his targets. This is funny stuff, best appreciated by those of us who have actually been there and done that. I had to read a number of passages to my wife, but her favorite was the bit about finding a pediatric group after moving. There is one piece of advice in here that I might actually follow when we finally are ready to move again: "Set fire to your household goods...and just walk away."
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars How to make yourself miserable in your spare time, March 29, 2003
If you have ever moved, chances are that you never want to do it again. And Dave Barry is quite willing to remind you why moving is such a hideous experience, and why if you ever get the urge to do it again, you should lock yourself in a broom closet until your fit of insanity passes.

Among other things, Dave explains why your furniture takes so long to arrive (it involves primitive harvesters in the jungle) and why you will hate it when it arrives; what is and is not a good neighborhood ("I [heart] my Pit Bull" is bad); the horrifying thing called a mortgage; home repair and why you should not do it yourself; making enemies with your neighbors and their big savage dogs; garage sales; moving stuff out of your old house ("Tropical fish should be individually wadded up in newspaper") and into your new house ("... which will give your possessions an opportunity to scurry, giggling, back out to the truck so that you may carry them inside again").

Basically, if the idea of moving doesn't scare you before you read the book, it definitely will afterwards. Dave explains in horribly, humorously accurate descriptions, just what will happen when you try to move from one house to another. His viewpoint is only warped by the bizarre mindset of one who has tried to move and is still scarred by the experience.

So if you ever look around your house and think that you need more space, or a chance of scenery, have the doctor prescribe you something. But only after you've read this book.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 stars uproariously funny
This is one of the funniest Dave Barry books that I've ever read, and I've read most of them. The experiences of looking for, purchasing, outfitting, and maintaining a home are... Read more
Published 10 months ago by C. Button

4.0 out of 5 stars An Important Read Before You Make Life's Big Decisions
A year or so ago I read one of Barry's fiction novels called Big Trouble which was pretty entertaining so when I came across this non fiction book as well as Dave Barry's Bad... Read more
Published on March 5, 2006 by James N Simpson

5.0 out of 5 stars Great before owning a house, a riot after...
Look, how can you not love Dave Barry. The man is one of the touchstones of the '80s and '90s, standing among such comedic giants as PJ O'Rourke and holding his own. Read more
Published on January 16, 2003 by William Jankowski

5.0 out of 5 stars You will laugh until you cry!
If you've ever bought a home or you work in real estate, you will find this especially funny because it hits so close to....uh, home. Read more
Published on January 12, 2003

4.0 out of 5 stars Better than average Barry:
For those of you not familiar with Dave Barry, he is one of the funniest writers around, if completely irreverent and frequently downright silly. Read more
Published on September 21, 2002 by James Yanni

4.0 out of 5 stars Good Barry, some recycled material
Excellent book, definitely recommended. Only one complaint: there is some recycled material in the book. Read more
Published on November 3, 2001 by Naomi

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