"Gee, that's a beautiful watch," says the lady at the coffee shop."
"It's a Marshalls special," I counter with a grin.
Subtext: I didn't spend a lot of money on it.
"You look great," says a friend, noticing I've lost 10 pounds.
"I've been plagued with headaches all summer," I reply.
Subtext: I'm ignoring your compliment, acting as if you said, "How are you?"
This is how I handle praise - by downgrading or deflecting it - and I never even thought about it until I read "Find Something Nice to Say - The Power of Compliments," by Debby Hoffman and Kathy Chamberlin. To accept compliments graciously, it turns out, all I need to do is say, "Thank you," and refrain from saying anything negative.
I can do that.
Giving compliments, however, is a bit tougher. Their scarcity in the world is a sign tht few of us are lavish in handing them out. So many families, so many relationships, and so many workplaces are governed by the rule: You'll hear from me if something goes wrong. Otherwise, assume you're doing fine. And all the while, most of us hunger for approval, for a sign that all our hard work and effort is appreciated by those whose opinions matter most to us.
I'm as guility of withholding compliments as anyone, a legacy from my childhood. My mother seemed afraid I'd get "too big for my britches," as she put it, if she heaped praise upon me. My dad, I think, felt that withholding praise had the same effect as waving a carrot at a donkey. It kept his kids striving for something that would always be beyond their reach. Having grown up on the helpless side of that equation, I like the power I gained over the people I loved by making my praise a scarce commodity. When I decided to break with my past and beocme more approving, the habit of silence was hard to break.
That's why I like this book's approach.
In "Finding Something Nice to Say," the authors focus first on what giving a compliment does for the giver. Few of us are aware that saying kind words to others creates a wave of positive energy, not only in the person who hears them, but in the person who says them. "Each time you give a compliment, you are forced to focus on the other person. You look for positive attributes and specific examples. ... This positive focus changes the way you look at the world and, more importantly, your thought porcesses. You see the possiblities, not the obstacles. Compliment giving is a jump start for looking at the world in a positive way, refreshing, stimulating, creative way."
You begin by creating positive energy in yourself. next thing you know, having made someone aware that you truly see and value something about them, you find yourself the recipient of their positive energy. Even if they brush the compliment aside, you know you've given them something they can recall later and examine at leisure. In almost every case, the next time you meet, the person you complimented will feel a greater connection to you and smile a bit more readily.
How many really terrific inteactions do we have in a day? Too few, right? It's amazing to think we can create as many as we like by simply giving voice to a sincre compliment or two.
The kind of compliment you give, however, makes a difference.
The harder you search for qualities worthy of recognition - such as kindness, generosity, humor, honesty, idealism, integrity, you name it - the more insight you gain into the people you know. As you seek to identify what's important, your priorities become more conscious. You begin to see positive facets of even those who initially fail to excite your admiration. And eventually, the authors perdict, you will begin to recognize and appreciate some of those valued qualities in yourself.
The Buddhists speak of four devine abodes, each of which leads to greater happiness. The third, Mudita, is the home of sympathetic joy, a place where one is able to acknowledge and take altruistic delight in the talents and accomplishments of others with being distrubed by envy and jelousy. Taking pleasure in the good qualities of others is one step on the path to equanimity, loving kindness and compassion, the other three divine abodes.
That blessed path, I suspect, is paved with genuine compliments, generously given and graciously received. -- Linda Weltner, Boston Globe - Sept. 23, 1999
Product Description
Are you looking for a way to build stronger relationships, brighten the lives of others, and create happiness in your own life in just minutes a day? Well, look no further!
Find Something Nice to Say will do that and more. Kathy Chamberlin and Debby Hoffman have developed a simple strategy which will teach you how to cultivate better relationships, improve your self esteem, and help you become a happier, more positive person.
Through stories which will touch your heart and open our mind, Find Something Nice to Say will show you the power of compliments. Every relationship you have from parents, children, and spouses to bosses, employees, and co-workers, can be made better and stronger by simply Finding Something Nice to Say.
This book will show you:
What to do and what not to do when complimenting.
How complimenting others boosts your positive attitude while helping others.
The 5 different types of compliments.
How you can pay anyone a compliment with the help of simple, fun, easy, and quick exercises.
Over 400 words and phrases you can use to design your own special words of appreciation.
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