She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband (Paperback)

~ (Author) "I've been preparing myself to lose my husband for the past few years..." (more)
Key Phrases: trans person, trans people, trans women, New York City, African American, City College (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

I've been preparing myself to lose my husband for the past few years," observes Boyd in this humorous, self-deprecating follow-up to her first memoir, My Husband Betty. "There is another woman, in a sense. My husband is that other woman, or might become her." Delving deeply into the question of gender identity, she explores the role of gender and its impact on how and who we love. Boyd, an androgynous-looking heterosexual woman (often mistaken for a lesbian), is married to a heterosexual man, who for the past few years has been "presenting as female" most of the time." Betty hasn't yet decided to have "the surgery," while Boyd isn't sure she'd be able to stay in the relationship if Betty does fully "transition" into being a woman. When referring to Betty, Boyd switches back and forth from "he" to "she"—even within the same sentence—portraying the confusion that a "trans person" presents daily in defining gender. Though she covers her complex topic well, and even includes a chapter of sex advice, Boyd's attempts to conceptualize her experience are unnecessarily repetitive. Part love story, part psychological treatise and part cautionary tale, this book will speak most directly to those who are confronting gender's perplexing contradictions. (Mar.)
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Product Description

Helen Boyd's husband, who had long been open about being a cross-dresser, was considering living as a woman full time. Suddenly, Boyd was confronted with the reality of what it would mean if her husband were actually to become a woman — socially, legally, and medically. Would Boyd love and desire her partner the same way?
Boyd's first book, My Husband Betty, explored the relationships of cross-dressing men and their partners. Now, She's Not the Man I Married is both a sequel and a more expansive examination of gender in relationships. It's for couples who are homosexual or heterosexual, and for readers who fall anywhere along the gender continuum.
As Boyd struggles to understand the nature of marriage, passion, and love, she shares her confusion and anger, providing a fascinating observation of the ways in which relationships are gendered, and how we cope, or don't, with the emotional and sexual pressures that gender roles can bring to our marriages and relationships.

Product Details

• Paperback: 280 pages
• Publisher: Seal Press (January 25, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1580051936
• ISBN-13: 978-1580051934
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (25 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #261,646 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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  #15 in	Books > Gay & Lesbian > Biographies & Memoirs > Transgender
  #36 in	Books > Gay & Lesbian > Nonfiction > Transgender

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

45 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars She Tells It Like It Is, February 28, 2007

By	D. B. Perrin (Milwaukee, WI) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This book is about Helen Boyd's experiences and feelings as she watches her husband heading along the trans path. It is an open, honest self-searching wherein she lays herself bare. Throughout I could feel her anger; anger at society's ignorance concerning trans issues, anger at Betty for stealing away her beautiful husband, and anger at herself for her anger. I could feel her frustration at the lack of understanding, so apparent, on the part of society at large concerning gender and the issues it presents.

This book is also about love; Helen and Betty's deep love for each other, a love which has held them together at a time when most others would have long ago separated.

The book consists of a preface and a section of notes on language, pronouns and taxonomy, followed by seven chapters and a final note from Betty. Throughout, the author often amplifies a word or phrase by reference to notes on each chapter which are contained at the back of the book. Although the trans reader probably doesn't need to refer to these notes, no doubt other readers will.

When I read a non-fiction book I generally flag what appear to me to be quotable quotes. I usually end up with five or so. When I had finished reading this book I counted twenty-two! If you have read other reviews I have written, you know that I usually include one or two of what I consider to be the most meaningful of them. I am not going to do that here.

One thing for sure, Helen Boyd has a very firm grasp of trans issues. For example in Chapter One, Girl Meets Boy, she says, "But the one thing you learn when you hang out with someone who might be transsexual is that almost nothing is more important than gender; not relationships, not children, not employment, not career goals or financial stability. When something isn't right with someone's gender, nothing could be more wrong or more important."

Later on in the chapter I found it so easy to agree with her statement, "It's a cold, cold day when death seems easier than what you're facing. A cold, lonely, miserable, heart-wrenching day." Having "been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt", it was a flash-back I didn't really want to experience, one with which almost every trans person will readily identify.

One of the criticisms I have read of this book is that it is repetitive. That reminds me of a week-long seminar I once attended wherein the requisite pre-reading was Alvin Toffler's Future Shock. Most of the attendees complained that each chapter seemed the same, that the book was too repetitive. My reaction to that was, "You didn't read the book!" It's the same with Helen's book. If you find yourself thinking that what you are reading is a repeat of something you have read before, you are not reading it! My suggestion would be to re-read, and re-read that passage until you `get' its true meaning. Repetitive? Hell no!

I found it difficult to put this book down. I found it so soulfully appealing, so full of "Yah's!" and "Aha's!" that, like her previous book, My Husband Betty, I will be recommending it to all who come my way for advice or assistance. The last chapter, Love Is A Many-gendered Thing, really brought me up short. Helen's description of the life faced by newly transitioned women not only set me on a path of careful reassessment as to my objectives, it sent chills down my spine. It opened my eyes to things I hadn't given much consideration to before.

She's Not The Man I Married has been a godsend for me. A graphic description of the effect that trans issues can have on a love-filled marriage, this book is filled with sound advice, delivered with impact and insight.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars From Partner to Activist, May 18, 2007

By	Trans-Active (Boston, MA) - See all my reviews

Read with her previous book, My Husband Betty-- which is a wonderful work-- She's Not the Man I Married continues to follow the complex growth and partnership of a woman who has become one of the most important voices in transgender activism today. In both books, Helen Boyd discusses the complex cultural "baggage" that is imposed on crossdressers and on transgender people and communities generally, and traces what it has meant for her to become an active part of transgender communities. This is a book that challenges transphobia in important ways, without shying away from difficult questions and her own powerful emotions and conflicts.

Just as important, both her books treat Betty, her partner and her subject, with love, kindness... and as an equal deserving of our respect.

This is a book that goes well alonside with Transgender Rights.
Transgender Rights

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A much-needed voice, April 16, 2007

By	akaKatie - See all my reviews

Helen Boyd's willingness to peel back the lid and let us in on both the struggles and love in her relationship with Betty will resonate deeply for anyone on the gender and sexual spectrum who has felt frustration with the assumed gender roles in their own romantic relationships.

Particularly for partners of trans people, Helen's articulation of her experience is a resounding validation of what many partners think and feel in complete isolation. She offers no easy answers, but her ability and willingness to lay herself and her relationship bare is a gift she has given both to the trans community, and to anyone on the gender spectrum attempting a life-long partnership.

A life and a marriage in mid-transition is a difficult thing to capture, but Helen holds the flickering image in her palm gently and opens it to share with us. Anyone will be honored and awed by this intimate view of a relationship, captured by a talented and articulate voice.