Last Tuesday around 7 pm I was in the kitchen, doing the dinner dishes when the doorbell rang.
I looked out the back window and thought about ignoring it. No one stops by unannounced, ever. No one rings the bell unless they want to sell me something. But tonight I've barely finished this thought when I hear our apartment door open and little feet scurry down the stairs. Four-year-old Kaj has figured out how to open that door and she screams now as she scampers down, "Is it for me!?"
Then I think, of course, back in December in the crazy pre-Christmas days, UPS and Fedex rang our bell all the time, bringing presents from Canada or Amazon or Apple (one or two of them were even for me!).
Anyway I scamper too now, chasing her down the stairs, spinning out a little on the wood floor in my socks. "Is it a present for me?!" Kaj yells out the open front door at the brown-suited man, stepping now into his big brown delivery truck. He smiles and waves at her before driving off and I say to Kaj, "Get back in here!"
She has no fear, but I have plenty for both of us. I'm terrified that she'll get outside and wander away, totally unconcerned, just curious about what's going on next door, or down the street.
"What is it?!"
I look at the box and wonder, then notice that it is from Seal Press.
"It's my book!" I say.
She looks disappointed. I'm always getting books in the mail. This is no big deal.
I say to her then as I heave the box up into my left arm and grab her hand with my right. "It's not exactly for you," I say. "But it is about you."
"Really?" she says, looking up at me.
"Yes. It is the book I wrote about having you. How much I wanted you."
"Oh," she says, thinking about it. "Having me in your belly? And going to the doctor for help to have me?"
"Exactly!" I say and we walk up the stairs. I sing a little song under my breath, "Mommy's book is here! Mommy's book is here!"
We open the box in our apartment and she wants her own copy so I give it to her and she takes it with her into the living room and starts writing and coloring the inside pages.
I take one out and feel the smooth cover, smell the pages, look at the back.
My first book. Wow.
No more dishes for me tonight. Kaj and I are going to sit for a moment and look at this book. At this story I wrote about her and I, the story of how we came to be this little family. I pull her on my lap as she continues to scribble purple crayon over the words, adding her voice to our story I guess.
I think, Remember this!
Your wonderful, warm daughter on your knee. Your first book in hand.
Happy day.
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Alexandra Soiseth sent the following post to customers who purchased Choosing You: Deciding to Have a Baby on My Own
