Destructive Relationships: A Guide to Changing the Unhealthy Relationships in Your Life (Hardcover)

by Jill Murray (Author)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description
Nearly all of us, at one time or another, have faced one of the following: A critical parent, an unkind spouse, unappreciative children, a demanding boss, back-stabbing coworkers, or gossipy friends. If these relationships have caused you to feel depressed, anxious, sick, hopeless, abandoned or emotionally depleted, then you may have been in a destructive relationship.

Dr. Jill Murray, in her new book DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS: A Guide To Changing The Unhealthy Relationships In Your Life (Jodere, September 2002), says that destructive relationships are so common as to be the rule rather than the exception in many women's lives today. In fact, she claims that many women suffer from a whole host of toxic relationships.

For example: Judy has a mother who makes little "suggestions" every time she visits: Judy's house isn't clean enough, her children aren't dressed warmly enough, she doesn't brown her chicken well enough, she isn't a good enough wife, and—oh, by the way—did she gain a few pounds recently? Judy tries to ignore her mother's comments; she's used to them, having grown up with criticism all her life and besides, her mother is getting older—she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Judy also works for a boss who constantly demands more of her than anyone else in the department. She is often asked to work late, her reports aren't quite up-to-snuff, and she doesn't take enough initiative. Judy rationalizes that her boss is a creative genius and like all geniuses, he's a bit eccentric. Judy has kids who treat her like a maid, taxi driver, and ATM but you know kids these days—they all have an attitude; it's just part of growing up. She also has girlfriends who betray the confidences she shares and a husband who often "kids around" with her by making caustic remarks about her appearance and libido. Does any of this sound familiar?

So, how can you find new, healthier ways of being? According to Dr. Jill the first step is to recognize the signs of a destructive relationship. They can be verbally abusive, which may include name-calling, critical comments, threats, or lies. They may be emotionally abusive, which include such behaviors as humiliation in public or private; demeaning one in order to make them feel small and weak or "less than;" being jealous, possessive, or controlling; intimidation; demanding to know where one is at all times or using interrogation techniques; blaming someone else for difficulties or disappointments; being a "user." Sexually abusive behaviors include sexual harassment or discrimination (on the job, for example); sexual coercion or assault; or being sexually demanding. Physical abuse involves such behaviors as pushing, striking, choking, restraining, or not letting one leave a room.

The next step in ridding yourself of destructive relationships is to figure out what brought you to them and why you remain. Dr. Jill believes that people act the way they do because they get a "payoff" for their behavior. Before you extricate yourself from a destructive relationship, you must decide if the cost is dearer than the payoff you have received. These relationships often cost you your self-respect, your happiness, your integrity, your sense of gratitude, and your spirit.

Learning to stand up for yourself is a critical part of creating healthy relationships. In her book Destructive Relationships, Dr. Jill provides strategies to:

**overcome the need to people-please
**uproot poor self-esteem and reclaim your power
**identify your fears and banish them through positive steps
**let go of shame and guilt, thereby eliminating the need to keep secrets
**establish boundaries
**free yourself from no-win coping behaviors such as denial, minimizing, shopping, overeating, compulsive sex, drug or alcohol use.

The point is to realize that you deserve to be happy and to set and maintain boundaries wi

About the Author
Dr. Jill Murray is fast becoming the leading authority on destructive relationships. A licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Southern California, she is a much in-demand speaker for high school students, parents, domestic violence groups, healthcare professionals and teachers across the country. With her first book BUT I LOVE HIM: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships, she established herself as a national expert on abusive relationships. She has made several appearances on OPRAH, MONTEL and many other national shows.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 350 pages
• Publisher: Jodere Group (September 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1588720268
• ISBN-13: 978-1588720269
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.4 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #204,463 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Pathway to getting out of destructive relationships, July 14, 2003

By	Harold McFarland (Florida) - See all my reviews (TOP 50 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

While there are many types of destructive relationships this book deals primarily with abusive ones. These relationships may be between husband and wife, boss and employee, friends, parents, children, or any other group of people. The relationships may be physically abusive, or they may be emotionally, sexually, or verbally abusive. "Destructive Relationships" walks the reader through warning signs that a relationship might be unhealthy by defining what is normal and what is not. The authors follow that up with an excellent look at self-esteem issues and how to deal with them effectively instead of using ineffective coping mechanisms. Finally Dr. Murray shows you the pathway to a positive future with healthy relationships.

The sections on the consequences of abusive relationships were exceptional. They defined not only the consequence but also the various ways in which those consequences manifest themselves. Each section then ended with an activity you can do to help lessen the power of the consequence. There is also an excellent chapter on dealing with abusers in the real world.

"Destructive Relationships" is a highly recommended read for many people: for anyone involved in such relationships and blaming themselves, for people who seem to always be getting into abusive relationships, or anyone who knows someone in such a relationship. It is not a miracle answer, but a pathway that the person must travel to achieve freedom from the grip of low self-esteem, emotional fear, shame, guilt, and other consequences of destructive relationships.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Building Healthy, Constructive Relationships, January 21, 2004

By	Melodye Shore "www.MelodyeShore.com" (Orange County, California) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

It's not always the catastrophic event that destroys our relationships; indeed, the most perilous of dangers can be those that do subtle, insidious damage - often over time rather than all at once. In Destructive Relationships, Dr. Jill Murray inspects with us the beliefs, feelings, and actions that serve as foundation for our connections to others. She identifies the symptoms, causes, and consequences of destructive relationships. And, in the process, she provides for the reader a toolbox of skills and attitudes necessary to build positive, healthy relationships.


Through a variety of case studies, Dr. Murray illustrates the warning signs of destructive relationships. Importantly, she defines and describes the many types of abuse that can occur in a relationship: physical, emotional, sexual, and verbal. She demonstrates clearly that these abusive relationships can cause immediate or long-term, slight or devastating damage - to us and to those with whom we connect. And on an optimistic, empowering note, the author provides for the reader a blueprint for changing the dynamics of current and future relationships.



Destructive Relationships is an important book for anyone interested in establishing and maintaining healthy, positive relationships. Readers will learn to identify and apply those attitudes and skills that best nurture healthy, positive relationships with others. In doing so, they will better equip themselves to build interpersonal connections that are safe and solid - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Constructive Advice about Destructive Relationships, January 21, 2004

By	Melodye Shore "www.MelodyeShore.com" (Orange County, California) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

It's not always the catastrophic event that destroys our relationships; indeed, the most perilous of dangers can be those that do subtle, insidious damage - often over time rather than all at once. In Destructive Relationships, Dr. Jill Murray inspects with us the beliefs, feelings, and actions that serve as foundation for our connections to others. She identifies the symptoms, causes, and consequences of destructive relationships. And, in the process, she provides for the reader a toolbox of skills and attitudes necessary to build positive, healthy relationships.

Through a variety of case studies, Dr. Murray illustrates the warning signs of destructive relationships. Importantly, she defines and describes the many types of abuse that can occur in a relationship: physical, emotional, sexual, and verbal. She demonstrates clearly that these abusive relationships can cause immediate or long-term, slight or devastating damage - to us and to those with whom we connect. And on an optimistic, empowering note, the author provides for the reader a blueprint for changing the dynamics of current and future relationships.

Destructive Relationships is an important book for anyone interested in establishing and maintaining healthy, positive relationships. Readers will learn to identify and apply those attitudes and skills that best nurture healthy, positive relationships with others. In doing so, they will better equip themselves to build interpersonal connections that are safe and solid - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.