For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men (Hardcover)

by Shaunti Feldhahn (Author) "As newlyweds, my husband and I lived in Manhattan, and like all New Yorkers we walked everywhere..." (more)
Key Phrases: bait fishing, Choose One Answer, Keeper of the Visual Rolodex, Sex Changes Everything (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review
"What an important book!"
- Beth Moore

Product Description
What’s going on in a man’s mind? From their early days, every woman has struggled to understand why males behave the way they do. Even long-married women who think they understand men have only scratched the surface. Beneath a man’s rugged exterior is an even more rugged, unmapped terrain. What bestselling author Shaunti Feldhahn’s research reveals about the inner lives of men will open women’s eyes to what the men in their life—boyfriends, brothers, husbands, and sons—are really thinking and feeling. Men want to be understood, but they’re afraid to “freak out” the women they love by confessing what is happening inside their heads. This book will guide women in how to provide the loving support that modern men want and need.

The Truth About His Inner Life

He Desperately Wants You to Know

What's going on in there? Ever been totally confused by something your man has said or done? Want to understand his secret desires and fears, his daily battles that you know nothing about?

In a woman-to-woman conversation you’ll never forget, Shaunti Feldhahn takes you beneath the surface into the inner lives of men. This book is about the things we just don’t ‘get’ about guys. With findings from a groundbreaking national survey and personal interviews of over one thousand men, For Women Only is full of eye-opening revelations you need to not only understand the man in your life, but to support and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Grounded in biblical hope, you will discover how to love your man for who he really is—not who you think he is.

Story Behind the Book

I had no idea how clueless I was about men until I interviewed a bunch of them for my last novel. Initially, I just wanted a little insight so I could write my main (male) character. But pretty soon I found myself astonished, over and over again blurting out, “That’s what you’re thinking?” So I did more interviews. After the novel hit shelves, dozens of women told me they also had been astonished by what I included. Clearly I wasn’t the only one who needed more insight on this!

To lay the groundwork for this nonfiction book, I wrote out the half-dozen things from these interviews that had most surprised me—things that appeared to be universal to most men—that women desperately needed to know. I conducted a professional national survey of men to test my findings. Yep—the survey substantiated every single one. These findings are fascinating—and they have already changed my life and marriage. I can’t wait to share them!

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 208 pages
• Publisher: Multnomah Books (July 28, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1590523172
• ISBN-13: 978-1590523179
• Product Dimensions: 7.1 x 5.1 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars See all reviews (255 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #601 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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  #1 in	Books > Religion & Spirituality > Christianity > Christian Living > Women's Issues
  #9 in	Books > Health, Mind & Body > Relationships > Interpersonal Relations

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

247 of 275 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Another man's perspective: Do I get off this easy?, March 23, 2005

By	lfisher (Boston, MA USA) - See all my reviews

I recently ordered this book for my wife's birthday as a way of opening up one more avenue of communication and understanding in our marriage. After reading it myself first, I increasingly felt very hesitant to give it to my wife. Why? Although the book certainly raises important issues that are a great conversational starting point, I can't help but feel that Feldhahn's book is saturated with a particular kind of "submissive wife" ideology common in various evangelical Protestant circles. One of Feldhahn's driving theses is that men are wired a certain way, so the key to a successful marriage is for women to discover the intricacies of that wiring and then adapt themselves accordingly (Feldhahn tells her women readers that these "fascinating new secrets" about men are "supposed to change and improve us [women]" [p.19-20]). Although that might be in fact what men want, I'm unconvinced that is always what we or our marriages need. Following the suggestions in this book might make a happier husband but a more unfulfilled, subservient wife.

That's not to say I can't relate to much of what she describes. Her analysis of the inner wiring of men is interesting and accurate for the most part (although certainly some aspects are probably overstated), but it's her prescriptive "solutions" that seem misguided. In my experience, a marriage works best when good communication leads to mutual compromises. To have wives coddle their husbands might produce the desired results in the short term, but I think it is worth thinking about the reciprocal nature of a good marriage for long-term success. Is it too much to ask that husbands should work just as hard to figure out the needs and desires of their wives and adapt themselves as well? I hope not. Unless this is a two-side process, the long term benefits are questionable at best.

But again, she does manage to capture many of the core struggles of the average man. No one man (hopefully) embodies all the fears, anxieties, and problems she describes, but it would be a rare man that could identify with none of them. I still plan on giving the book to my wife (with a host of qualifications) because it does in some ways describe my own inner fears, desires, and struggles, but my hesitancy to do so still remains simply because of the implicit message to women.

105 of 117 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Spot ON!, December 14, 2004

By	[e-mail] "Christian Bookworm" (Nashville, TN) - See all my reviews

I am a bookstore junkie, big time, and one of my absolute favorite bookstores is LifeWay. While I was browsing one day about a month ago, I came across this book in the new release section. Having already read a fiction book by Shaunti Feldhahn, I picked up this non-fiction book even though I thought the cover was rather lame (also, Beth Moore's favorable quote on the cover got my attention). I started reading and by the time I had scanned (in depth) the first 3 chapters, I knew I was on to something important. My wife is not as "into" these types of books as I am, so I chose to run it by her first. I waited a couple of days until the moment seemed right to bring up the topic, and asked her if she wouldn't mind if I gave her the book (I explained it briefly) - she said she wouldn't mind at all. So I bought it the next day and gave it to her that night. My wife is a processor, luckily for me, and she is reading a chapter every few days and then letting that one soak in. If you should choose to read this book, I would urge you to take your time reading it. Each chapter goes into depth in a particular area concerning men, but does so in a way that is not bogged down in psych tech-speak. At a point about 4 chapters in, she asked me to read the book and decide which chapters fit me more than others - she wanted me to, in essence, rank the chapters. She had a tough time wording how she was feeling as she read more and more of the book, but what I gather is that she is genuinely taken aback by what the author has found out about men, and possibly even having a little trouble processing all the information, some of which, no doubt, is new to her, or if not new, I dare say she had no idea as to the depth.

After reading the book myself, this is what I want to say to you, the wives. There is no chapter in this book that doesn't hit home and thus felicitously apply to what I believe would be a normal man, and by normal, I mean most of us. Much of what is contained in this book is of a deeply personal nature - stuff that some of us men would feel (to varying degrees) uncomfortable talking about with our wives. Just let me try to say what most if not all of husbands would say to their wives if asked by their wives about the content of this book.

* "Yes, the contents of the book are true, even though it may be alarming (maybe even shocking) to you."

* "It's possible that some chapters may apply more than others, but trust me, the entirety of this book is dead on target, with all chapters applying to the makeup of who I am."

* "Sometimes I wish God had not `hard-wired' me to be like this, but I know with total certainty that I am created in the image of God - I am created exactly the way God intended, thus, in retrospect, 100% of the time, after consideration, I am very glad God created me like this."

* "Likewise, though you are indeed so often a puzzle to me, I am equally glad God created you to be mysterious to me, because it's more often a wonderful mystery than a frustrating mystery."

* "Please be cautious how you talk to me about this book. Remember, much of the content is of a delicate nature, if it wasn't, I would have already talked to you about the subject matter of each chapter."

* "If you ever find a book that is similar to this one, but written for men, please buy it for me and give it to me right away. I am always looking for ways to be a better husband to you."

I truly feel that the author has written this book in a way to be as far from preachy as I can imagine. I suspect that you will feel her surprise with her as she was gathering the survey and interview results and other enlightening material for this book. Here is a woman who loves her husband deeply, but married life is, of course, not without frustration. Perhaps, she was mystified by her husband one too many times, and, putting on her investigative hat, decided to go to a fount of results - the opinions of about four hundred men. She got answers, and those answers just may increase your understanding of men and strengthen your marriage to a level you thought not possible. Highly recommended to any wife who loves her husband.

47 of 51 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars It's a short book people, it won't cover every last detail of life as we know it..., September 18, 2006

By	Gregory A. Gilbert (Brooklyn, NY) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This was an excellent book. Before giving my own personal review of it though I'd like to answer a few of the critics of the book (as in the critics in the Amazon reviews below)

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As per M. Duffy comments under "So What?" M. declares that "She's not changing for any man." This sounds like the comments of someone who expects that any man who's with her should change everything about himself to suit her. The fact is that relationships are a TWO-WAY street: this book is meant to be one-half of the overall issue (the author is very clear about this). The book in no way says that "men should do whatever they want and women should only do what the man wants them to do." If that's how M. Duffy read the book, she's sadly mistaken. If she knows that the book isn't saying the above but she's pretending that's what it's saying, then she's simply being intellectually dishonest, making her review irrelevant.

As per I. Bodden's comments: Her review is just drooling with disdain for anyone who doesn't have as high and mighty of views as she does. Perhaps it's time to open her eyes to the fact that not everyone has the "knowledge" that she does, and perhaps a lot of these "obvious" things are not so obvious. Her cheap shots at 'religious' people also reveals either that 1. she's simply had bad experience with 'religious' people (which is unfortunate, but you cannot judge any philosophy/religion by its illogical outworkings) or 2. her own mind is too tiny to comprehend the idea of the supernatural (I find that most people only accuse other people of having 'closed minds' when that particular person disagrees with the one who's making the accusation) or 3. (and most likely) she is too afraid to think that there may just be a higher power.
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On with the actual review of this book! (I should note that I'm not a woman... a close female friend of mine lent this book to my wife who read it and then wanted my opinion, which is why I read it.)

This book is not meant to be an exhaustive study - the book itself (not including excerpts from other readings at the end) is only 188 pages...obviously this won't cover every last thing. In other words, I can understand Emily E. Spinozzi's comments in her review, but this book is not meant to cover as in depth as she was hoping. The book serves as an excellent INTRODUCTION to issues surrounding what many (not all) men want.

Nowhere in the book does Feldhahn claim that ALL MEN feel/want the things that are in this book. That is to say that throughout the book, Feldhahn talks about how MOST men want/feel such and such. You may read this book and your husband/boyfriend/etc may disagree with the entire book. That's not the point. The point is that MANY men feel/want the things in this book, so it's worth considering the things in this book.

Some of the topics/thoughts covered in this book are:

- "a man's need to have his judgment respected"
- "don't tell him how"
- "the most fragile thing on the planet"
- "I have no earthy idea how to do this"
- "the imposter at work"
- "affirmation is everything"
- "create a safety zone"
- "haunted by romantic failures"
- "it's difficult to change gears"
- "playing together is very romantic"
- "when you take care of yourself, I feel loved"

Since my wife and I both read the book it was funny to compare how according to the book I was sometimes more of a 'woman' and she was more of a 'man.' Again, this book does not claim to be an exhaustive apologetic on how EVERY MAN feels. This book is a simple, very quick read (I read it in about 3 quick sittings) - if you're looking for a complex, very in depth look at male/female relationships, look elsewhere.

I believe this book achieves every aspect of its authorial intent: a tool to help open the eyes of women as to just what their man might be feeling/thinking. Enjoy!