Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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32 of 33 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Hearing past the words, February 11, 2005
Marshall Rosenberg has given me one of the greatest gifts I have ever received: the ability to hear past the spoken word to find the root - the underlying needs and feelings.
I used to run away from criticism and confrontation because I was only able to hear the judgements that were spoken. Marshall taught me to hear the unmet needs and feelings behind those judgements. And I now understand that all such judgements are tragic expressions of our unmet needs.
Now I can hear criticism for what it is - an opportunity to make life more wonderful for the other person.
Learning NVC and, more importantly, learning to see the world in terms of needs and feelings has transformed my relationships with strangers and loved ones alike. In fact, NVC shows how such a distinction is much less concrete than we think it is!
I am grateful to Marshall for his incredible and life changing work.
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18 of 19 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent resource for couples, business people and parents!, January 26, 2007
Marshall Rosenberg has initiated peace programs in war ravaged areas around the world including Ireland, Serbia, Croatia, Rwanda and the Middle East. He also gives workshops has worked in the prison systems and has applied his ideas with great success in a variety of settings. His book that goes along with this audio series Nonviolent Communication was a textbook for one of my communication courses which was a requirement for a Masters in Integral Psychology. In short, he is a highly credible author with a gift for simplifying complex topic down to simple models that could be applied easily in daily life.
The basic model he uses allow a person to unravel the trigger for an emotion from the actual cause which is often unconscious thinking or beliefs. For example, if I child didn't clean his room that is not necessarily the cause of the parent's anger. The real cause is some underlying need for example that the parent is concerned about the child developing discipline or an examined assumption such as my child is ignoring what I asked them to do. The point is that we often jump into action or go immediately to a negative emotion without much CONSCIOUS thought. This four step process allows you to deepen your awareness so that when you are in situations that might automatically trigger you, you can chose more healthy options.
Another aspect of the four step process is staying with emotions until one uncovers the underlying need. Sometimes, this involves the emotion shifting to another one. For example, say my partner gets angry because I didn't do the dishes. Rather than just starting an argument, Rosenberg would advise my partner to stay with her emotion. By being willing to fully feel the anger, she might realize in actuality that she feels hurt. By staying with the hurt she may have the realization that her underlying need is actually to feel loved and that me doing the dishes is symbolic for her of loving her and being concerned. With this additional awareness she is in a position to make a more vulnerable and powerful request that is likely to get her what she really wants. For example, using the four part model she might say, "When you forget to do the dishes (observation), I feel hurt (feeling-notice there is no blame or shame) because I notice that I'm not feeling loved because I associate you following through on things like that with being concerned for me (the real need). Now that you understand how I feel, would you be willing to be more vigilant about your agreements over everyday stuff because when you do it makes me feel like you care (request).
Admittedly the model is simple, but it is also very powerful. Most of us act without awareness much of the time. In our time contrained culture, we also tend to dismiss feelings as sources of information about needs that are important to us. This model helps you to get back in touch with the purpose of your emotion and your buried needs. It will help you to increase the intimacy in all of your relationships, not to mention helping you to make requests that are more likely to get you the results you wanted in the first place.
If you are serious about changing unhealthy communication patterns, I would also get the book to accompany this audio set. Patterns of language and the thinking that accompanies them are deeply engrained. In fact, there are often hidden assumptions in our automatic thinking such as OTHER people CAUSE our emotions. We actually have a lot of degree of control over how we feel when someone does a particular behavior. A lot of this depends upon how we "frame" or contextualize the behavior. This book is very useful in helping you uncover these patterns and changing them.
In my practice as personal growth coach I often recommend this book and audio CD to clients. I've seen this information help a lot of people and it has helped me too. If it helps you avoid even one argument with an important person in your life, it is well worth the cost. I guarantee it will raise your awareness around your unconscious processes and help you to have healthier relationships if you apply the ideas faithfully.
The CD on giving and receiving anger compassionately is especially good. This is a problem area for a lot of people and I think this CD alone justifies the cost of the set. Don't be deceived by Rosenberg's simple presentation of ideas. It is often the most simple ideas that are the most powerful when applied in daily life.
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14 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
What a great way of transformation towards peace., November 16, 2004
A very simple and basic approach to communicating with anyone and everyone! Helps to build/restore self-peace through recognizing our shared needs. These are the very needs that allow us to give empathy and spirtually connect!
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