When a relationship is at risk or breaks up, it is so easy for couples to hold each other responsible. Even when a relationship ends in death, such blaming occurs. “What if,” asks best selling author Rene Yarnell, “we entered our relationships realizing that they have a life expectancy—some longer, some shorter, some ‘'til death do us part’? It’s perfectly natural to want to prolong our relationships, but all too often they define their own boundaries, identifying the moments of culmination and breakdown, not so unlike the feebleness of old age signals impending death.
Here Yarnell tells the story of her own fairytale romance—an emotionally-peaked courtship and marriage that culminated in a shattered relationship. After her own difficult journey to come to terms with the breakup, she reminds us that, of all the people we have come to know or will ever know, there is something extraordinarily special about those with whom we share the emotional and sexual intimacies of living together in marriage or an equally close partnership. These relationships not only shape our life story, but also the unfolding and expansion of us as persons. It would be most unfortunate if, at the ending of such shared closeness, we found nothing to appreciate. The merit of a relationship is not necessarily in its lasting forever. Its value lies in the journey two people shared while together, and the heightened awareness that each carries forward.
Raising consciousness that a new paradigm is needed as couples embrace marriage, the author advocates for less focus on blame and guilt should it end, and more appreciation for the shared love and personal growth that was experienced while together. Hers is a message of hope - no longer viewed as a failed marriage as it closes down but one that prepares us for the next phase of life. Through the story, the objective of this refreshingly honest book is to encourage couples to emerge from marital crises more ready than ever to make sound choices - either to renew and enhance existing unions or to move on, perhaps giving birth to new kinds of relationships without the usual sense of failure. One such possibility, Yarnell suggests, is that of spiritual partnerships, a commitment to work together toward each other's personal growth.
From the Publisher
'TIL DEATH DO US PART… not only tells a compelling story, but through the story line offers guidance concerning opportunities for personal growth and emotional development during and after the dissolution of a relationship. It provides a lifeline to those facing emotional crisis and helps them transform feelings of devastation into energy for renewal or the decision to begin a new life.
The message of the author is one of hope: As painful and devastating as the shutting down of a relationship can be, once it runs its course, it can be the threshold to expanding us as persons and preparing us for something even better. So much of the sadness we feel at the end of a relationship has to do with being forced to face a new beginning. But, if allowed to unfold naturally, moving on from a relationship can be an awakening – not a failure but an upward movement toward a new level of maturity. The author reminds us that this consciousness prompts us to focus our energy on meeting the needs – emotional, sexual, psychological, and spiritual – of ourselves and our partner, which she describes as a spiritual partnership. Recognizing, however, that no once can adequately fulfill all the needs of another person, spiritual partners encourage other relationships that foster and enhance the growth of each of them. These broader relationships make up the circle of love in our li! ves. This movement from one relationship to the next, however, even when done in a positive light, is not without pain, Yarnell reminds us. The void that we feel at the closing down of a relationship is part of appreciating the bond that held us for the time we shared in each other’s lives.
"One of the most difficult lessons I have had to learn, and am still learning," says the author, "is that the key to relationships is to enjoy the journey and not focus on the destination. Where our relationships will lead us is far less important than what might happen to us both along the way. What I had finally come to understand in my marriage was that the heartrending sadness resulting from a relationship ending need not signal failure, but can be the portal to an even deeper experience of personal growth and a renewed or new spiritual bonding. We can allow that pain to bog us down in self-pity and prolonged misery or we can choose to emerge with full appreciation for the precious time we were given to share moments of our lives with another person. Once ended, it doesn’t matter whether our love is reciprocated or not. It doesn’t matter if the warm memories are mutual or not. It doesn’t matter if the time is for a moment or a week or a year or a decade or a lifetime. What! does matter is that we shared part of ourselves with each other, and the experience is raising one or preferably both of us to an elevated capacity to love.
If we can identify and celebrate the gifts we gave each other and can acknowledge that we have grown for having had these experiences, then our relationships will have enhanced our lifelong process of personal growth. The greatest fear most of us have at the end of a relationship is that we will be alone, that we will never again experience the kind of intimacy we once knew or desire to have again. The author demonstrates through her own story how the love given and received in our previous relationships makes it increasingly possible for us to know that we are capable of such love again.
She reminds us that it isn’t fear of being hurt that should concern us. It is a life without experiencing the joy of loving and being loved that should terrify us. The only real tragedy is never to have loved at all. Life is relationships and the personal growth that emerges from them. Understanding how they fit into our lives is the key to experiencing lifelong joy and peace. It is worth the pain and the soul-searching to discover how they shape our lives. And, Yarnell concludes, as we experience the closing of each phase of our lives, around the corner waiting for us is another new beginning. We need only reach out and take hold of it.
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