Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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46 of 55 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Words cannot exlain the frustration caused me by this as a husband..., July 30, 2008
...by the dishonesty and desperate underhandedness and unscriptural methods of the author/publisher.
My wife read this book with my [at the time] approval, as well as by the recommendations of several other individuals. I seriously started wondering what was wrong with her, and if I was doing something wrong. I read it for myself, and I must say, I am SO GLAD that I do NOT treat my wife the way this book says she should have to tolerate. I LOVE my wife, not ABUSE her. This book describes an unscriptural marriage that I am glad I do not have. My wife is one of the sweetest, most loving and submissive ladies I know. Sure, she's not perfect, and neither am I. I have times where I don't portray love the way I should, and she the same. That does not give either of us scriptural license to abuse or patronize each other. It also does not mean she should degrade herself to make me happy. Only a true selfish, self-centered JERK of a so-called man [male is a better choice of words- not "man"] would treat his wife this way.
Also, these people have BLATANTLY asked people to write good reviews, just to get their rating back up. They have threatened legal action on anyone that reports this also. What kind of Christians do that? I'm glad I am one already, because it's "Christians" like this that would not make me want to be one, and are an embarrassment to the honest ones.
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311 of 396 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Don't let this be your only source of advice, March 12, 2006
I am a Christian wife and mother. I have enjoyed some of the Pearls' writings in the past and I was actually perplexed when I read this book. The overall tone of the book is that nearly all the problems in marriage are caused by some fault in the woman, and if she would just get her act together and do x, y, and z then the marriage would be glorious. Wow - unfortunately, there are no cookie cutter marriages whose problems can all be solved by Debi's book.
Many readers claim this book is great because it is based on the bible, but Mrs. Pearl offers no exegesis on the subject of marriage. For her to claim that her book reveals "God's plan for a heavenly marriage" (p. 15) is misleading. Just because she sprinkled in multiple bible verses and bible stories does not mean Debi has clearly described God's plan for wives.
There are times where the author's biblical illustration completely goes against what the scripture is teaching. One example is in chapter 19 (which deals with the topic of being chaste) where Debi blames Bathsheba for the adulterous affair with David. She claims if Bathsheba had just been more discreet, she could have prevented the calamity that followed. This is not what the bible teaches about that story. Scripture says David was the one who sought her out and initiated the affair. In Second Samuel, God sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke David for his lust and the adultery. It is quite clear in that passage that God put the responsibility on David. I have never heard any pastor implicate Bathsheba when teaching about that story.
This book is supposed to be based in biblical principles but much of the advice comes from Debi's personal opinion. Here are just a few examples. She writes in chapter 17 that women should not have close friendships with other women and should only share their feelings with their husbands. She goes on to say that the time we spend at church and prayer meeting is all the time we need to spend with other women. Debi then claims that female friendships are in danger of turning into something 'abnormal' and 'sick'. I assume she's talking about lesbianism? That's taking quite a leap. In Chapter 21 she discourages women from taking their children to the doctor or getting vaccinations. Again, not scriptural and based on her personal beliefs in herbal remedies.
It is also outrageous that in chapter 16 Debi advises women whose husbands have sexually handled their children to take the kids to visit him while he is in prison. She claims the children will heal better to see their dad in prison for the crime. I think many people would question the wisdom behind that advice.
In chapter 7, she tells a story about how she didn't know how much money Michael made when they got married, she didn't even know how much they had to spend on the honeymoon and that it wasn't her place to question him about how money was spent. It wasn't clear to me whether or not she was trying to say that women should have no part in financial matters - she never comes right out and says that. But, it seems to be implied.
There are a few helpful, practical ideas in this book and a few morsels of truth (the reminder to honor and respect our husbands is good), but there's not much beyond that. The harsh language the author uses is not encouraging to Christian women. Instead, it will leave many of them with a weight of unwarranted guilt and shame.
There is a reason we are told in the book of Proverbs that those seeking counsel should look to a 'multitude' of counselors. If you read this book, do not let it be your sole source for counsel on marriage and being a wife. Also read other reputable Christian authors on the subject. A couple of good books I suggest are, by Gary Chapman:'On the Marriage You Always Wanted.' And by John Piper: 'What is the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.'
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63 of 79 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Some Bright Light in a Black Hole, July 1, 2007
It's funny: inspite of my one-star rating, I now have a love-hate relationship going, not with this book, but with Debi Pearl's advice in general. Sometimes it depends on how you take her model of marriage; if you take it moderately and with good sense and accurate Scripture application, you could get a heart-achingly beautiful picture of marriage. If you take it to the extreme, on the other hand, you'll most likely end up a slave to your husband. And for many emotionally and physically abused women, this is a very real danger that this book, if misapplied and taken like Scripture, could worsen.
I've stated before that even if I believed you should obey your husband, there would be limits, both in your obedience and in your regard in general of him. In this book, Debi Pearl blows away all limits. Here are a few of the remarks in this book by Debi and Michael Pearl:
"You can freely call your husband "lord" when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husbands hands just as the Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities."
"The chain of authority must never be broken, even if it means allowing some abuse (of the husband's role)."
"first know that a husband has authority to tell his wife what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, how to spend her time, when to speak or not to, even if he is unreasonable and insensitive."
Folks, I'm trying very hard not to spit fire right now just looking at those words and you shouldn't have to ask why. The advice of calling your husband "lord" should tell you something about the kind of idolatrous regard Debi holds for husbands.
Debi shares a story about a woman named Sunny who married a man of Arab descent, Ahmed. Ahmed, during Sunny's third pregnancy, spent a great deal of time drinking and would rage at Sunny afterwards. At one point, he came after Sunny with a butcher knife. Sunny went to her mother and various other places crying and asking for help. Debi prayed with her and told her to either leave him or make up her mind to repair her marriage and focus on winning her husband's heart. When Sunny showed hesitation, however, Debi said (in the book) "I fully expected her to leave him that night, but I discovered something amazing about her, Sunny really wanted God's will in her life. She had grasped an eternal vision about life, and she now believed God could save her man. I explained to Sunny that in order to win her husband's heart she needed to reverence him...She was not to speak ill of him again. Her conversation with others as well as with him, would be only praise and appreciation."
Now, no one likes a blabbing wife, I agree. However, if a wife "blabbed" to you that her husband beat her and threatened her with a butcher knife, wouldn't you think it was something more than gossip? Sunny wasn't blabbing her husband's sins, she was crying for help! Frankly, if she was too scared to call the police, I think it's good that she told others what was going on, so they could do it for her. Debi didn't, though. Instead, she would have us believe that after a week, everything was peachy keen and Ahmed and Sunny were just getting along swimmingly. Yeah, right. I'm not saying I don't believe Sunny wasn't complaining anymore, but if you expect me to buy that both Sunny and her husband were spiritually fit because Sunny kept her mouth shut, don't waste your time.
This isn't the only time I've heard of a woman who claimed to be, quite suddenly, spiritually healthy and happy as a duck because she chose to submit to a bad husband. While reading one of the online testimonies from wives, I found one by a woman who said that, before she read Debi's book, she'd been planning on leaving her husband and taking her girls with her. When she began listing her husband's faults, at first I thought she'd just mention the typical stuff: he wasn't sensitive enough to her needs, he was too bossy, he wasn't a good enough provider, etc. You know, nothing a tough and loving wife can't handle with a patient spirit. It turned out, though, I was quite wrong. Her husband was addicted to drugs, pornography, and was a pathological liar!! It turned out this woman had a very good reason indeed to leave him. But then, of course, she read Mrs. Pearl's book and she said that, after reading it, "I realized for the first time that God's way is for me to love, respect, honor, and OBEY, no matter what."
Where in the world did she get this idea? The Bible never says to enable a sinful husband's behavior; it says to love such a husband, yes, but that doesn't mean supporting bad (or in this case, sick) habits. That man needs psychological help! Imagine what those children would be exposed to, with the "spiritual leader" in the home looking at porn and being a deceptive drug addict! That wife has done no one in her family, not even her husband, any favors whatsoever with her enabling.
This wife went on to say, "I now realize that my husband may never change, but that's not what's important...God wants me to change. For the first time in my 3 years of marriage, I have peace." She went on to say that she looked forward to rejoining her husband in a different state and already her attitude toward him was changing (albeit just over the phone)
This poor woman may be sicker than her husband. She really believes that God would worry more about an un-submissive wife than a spiritually dead husband who is emotionally butchering his family? This wife has single-handedly decided not to give her husband any help and instead to roll over and let his addictions ruin his family without any resistance on her part. I can only pray for those poor children, as they now not only have a sick father but a pitifully spineless mother.
Debi not only advises against divorcing a bad husband, but tells wives to have dangerous husbands put in jail only temporarily. She seems to think that a husband's temper will cool in prison and that then would be a good time to write him love letters. She claims, "Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully-for a while anyway." Clearly, Mrs. Pearl knows nothing about the psychology of abusive husbands. Not only do they usually get angrier at their wives once they get out of prison, but the cycle of abuse does not end just like that! It often continues for a lifetime and if it does end, it ends with a great deal of counseling, not a wife who one minute puts her husband in prison and the next minute tucks her backbone into her pocket and writes him love letters. Pearl's words even indicate that she knows this would only be a temporary solution, so what happens when hubby hits you again? Certainly you can't divorce him. According to Debi, "God hates divorce-always, forever, regardless, without exception." What God truly hates is a perversion of His plan, and an abusive marriage is just that.
Some may defend this book by claiming that Debbi does advise you call the authorities on an abusive husband, but they leave out the fact that what the Pearls really advocate is reverencing a husband no matter what. Here are more of their remarks on the matter:
"if a woman is really seeking God and asking for wisdom from on high, she will be able to discern the difference between her own controlling spirit and those rare instances that a husband may command outside his sphere of authority - requiring legal intervention. Women who threaten to "report them to the law," or women who refuse to answer the phone any way other than, "He is here, but will not talk," are rebellious. They will never make it to the hall of fame found in Hebrews 11, where Sara was listed, nor will they make it into a heavenly marriage here on earth."
"The servant is not given the option of deciding that the master is not acting within the will of God and therefore should not be obeyed. It is acceptable with God (God's will) for the underling to suffer wrongfully and take it patiently."
Note the term "underling" used to describe wives. Furthermore, it's apparently not even her place to decide if she can obey her husband or not. How then should she draw the line, and where?
The awful advice given to abused wives apparently has more to do with the Pearls' hatred of divorce than any belief they have about a husband's authority. Here are Michael Pearl's words, verbatim, on how to deal with a child-molesting husband: "If there is any thought that they (the children) are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn't repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil's face. God hates divorce--always, forever, regardless, without exception."
If your husband molests the children, spiritually killing them and is still not repentant after twenty years, you STILL can't divorce him. Stay married to the monster, be a martyr, and you'll please God. The wife is expected to sacrifice everything to him, including any personal happiness or healing she might have. How could she heal, knowing she'd have to remain deadlocked to the man who abused her children? How could her children heal, knowing their mother would let him come home even if he wasn't even sorry? These children would thus be betrayed by both their parents, the people who should have protected them! This advice is especially shocking to me because Michael Pearl has shown various times that he despises child molestors. He even claimed that he wouldn't trust his girls with any man when they were children, or even let them spend the night with friends or relatives! Never have the Pearls encouraged any tolerance of child molestors, except for the women who are married to them. How is this?
Even where it not for the life-endangering advice to wives, I would still caution all to stay away from this book. I've said before that people abuse the term "head" describing husbands and the Pearls are no exception. Michael Pearl even refused to answer a theological question of his engaged daughter because, he claimed, "Your husband is your new head. You believe what he believes". What if the husband isn't saved, Mr. Pearl? God never says you must submit your brain as well as your own selfish desires to your husband.
For months now, I've been wondering what it is about this book that could allow any psychologically healthy woman to find it helpful. Then, after re-examining all the book's faults, I realized what it is: hope. The common theme throughout this book is that no matter how bad your marriage is, if your husband cheats, beats, or even comes after you with a butcher knife, YOU the wife can save it. The marriage can be saved and your man can be changed, if only YOU try hard enough and do all the right things. To a woman in a depression, wanting desperately to save her marriage, this is like manna from heaven. Ladies, I'm going to tell you a truth that most already know: this is false. No matter how much you obey your husband, revere him, serve him, you must know that marriage is STILL about two people and requires cooperation from both; sometimes, the husband does NOT change. You think abused women need this book to tell them to keep trying? Most battered women are emotionally bound to their husbands and they will do anything to please them, bending over backwards until they break their spines. Obedience to an abusive man feeds the fire, it doesn't put it out.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying there's no hope, nor am I begrudging those who turned their marriages around by taking Pearl's advice of honoring their husbands. Sometimes the problem is with the wife; sometimes it's up to us, the women, to fix things. Love your husband, respect him, honor him, but know your limits. With a willing heart, there is no limit to what God can do. However, remember that your heart is not the only one that must be willing; this is not just about what God can do, but what your husband will do. If you're in a psychologically or physically unhealthy relationship and your husband WILL NOT change, you must get out because your marriage is no longer honoring God, even if you are. Not all marriages can be saved, not all men will change. Sometimes a wife just has to take what's left of her life and her heart and leave.
Debi Pearl does have some good advice for wives in GENERAL, but in this book it's almost entirely swallowed by the extremes of some of her and her husband's nonsensical and spiritually harmful beliefs. Seek the truth for yourself, ladies, and if you need counsel, get it from people who speak the Word in love.
PS: If you like Mrs. Pearl and are determined to read some of her work for wives, I'd actually recommend you get "Helpmeet's Journey", the companion journal for this book, rather than this book itself. The journal offers challenging questions, good advice, and allows wives to think for themselves instead of spelling everything out for them. Plus, it's really more of a Bible study than this book.
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