Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
So bad it's....just bad., April 18, 2003
Man, this was a pretty painful movie. There's like a couple of different plots going on to create this mish mash of a movie. I wasn't expecting a whole lot from this movie, but I found it difficult at times to keep my eyes open I was so bored. And the direction of the movie seems to really suffer from lack of knowledge about how to effectively use particular shots. It was like a shot was set up to offer a moment of suspense, but then there was no payoff, and I found myself asking, "What was the point?" Another problem with this movie is that I was able to predict fairly accurately what was going to happen, who was going to live or die. One of the most obvious instances of this was at the beginning when the older agent was talking about how he had been on the job for like fifty years, and is dispensing his wisdom to the younger agent. At some point, I believe he says something about how's he's overdue for retirement...and you can take a wild guess what happens to him. And I found it fairly annoying how the male 'hero' is unable to act like a hero at many key points in the movie, especially when having to deal what's posed to us as the world's most dangerous terrorist, which makes the hero seem extremely ineffective and just plain useless. Actually, I found just about all the characters to be pretty annoying or just plain dumb and that put me in the position of rooting for the octopus, encouraging it to take as many of them as possible. There are a lot of scenes obviously copied from much better movies, but poor dialog, acting, and direction turn this effort into a big, heaping, steaming pile. Maybe it falls into the category 'so bad it's good', but not so much for me. I did get quite a few laughs from this turkey, but purchase at your own risk. You are warned.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Just Awful. Really. I mean, terrible. I'm not kidding., August 30, 2003
Octopi are absolutely amazing creatures. With no bones, they can reshape their body incredibly and squeeze into tiny spaces. Their skin can change not only its color, but its very texture. Their tentacles are much suppler than a human hand, and the suction cups give them a grasp stronger than our own. Their beaks can break crab shells with ease. They have a natural jet propulsion system. Most importantly, octopi are very smart creatures.So the best this film can do is come up with a giant mutant octopus that can apparently barely move. It writhes its tentacles about with the lack of control of a newborn baby's hand. The poor beast is anemic, but rather than chase after a hearty meal of sperm whale, it picks off humans from a submarine. Now, the thing is bigger than the whole nuclear sub--would a lion feast on field mice, when a tasty impala is waiting around the bend? This film simply compounds idiocy on idiocy, with "special effects" that come from a low budget 50's movie. And of course, Hollywood has yet to discover the effects of explosive shock waves. Our plucky hero goes to certain doom with a bomb, deep underwater, yet manages to surface after the explosion without even a nosebleed. Okay, okay, so it's a B movie--well, no, a D or even F movie; and I'm not taking the proper attitude toward it. But what's the point of making a movie with a plot so silly, effects so childish (although one shot of the Octopus' mouth is pretty good), and acting so amateur? Personally I like my horror films to be smart and scary, not insulting. Octopus is a total waste of time, not even worth renting. Get Deep Rising instead, for a really terrific and frightening view of monsters from the deep.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
There's an eight layer of hell, and its this movie, August 22, 2005
I hate this movie. I hate it so much I want to make many profane remarks, but I know the Amazon censors would be all over me, so out of respect for them I will try to be as much a gentleman as possible. *takes in a deep breath* OK, here we go...
What's the backstory of "Octopus?" Well, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a Russian sub carrying toxic waste for Castro gets hit by an American sub and sinks. Don't ask what Castro would use toxic waste for in the first place.
Russian: "Here you go, glowing green goo!"
Castro: "Wow, what's it do?"
Russian: "It makes you glow, which is really cool until the radiation kicks in and you die."
Cut to Bulgaria, the modern day. Two CIA agents, Roy and Henry, are walking out of the American embassy when Casper, a terrorist, blows it up and runs away. Now, Casper snuck into the embassy dressed as an old woman selling pastries. Yes that's right: an old beggar woman selling pastries just waltzed into the American embassy, dropped a bag, and left without any kind of security measures or any one getting suspicious. Why didn't he just wear a T-shirt with "TERRORIST" written on the chest? Any way, Henry and Roy run after Casper and catch him, though Henry dies due to an explosion. I might add before he dies Henry fires shots into Casper's getaway car, hitting the trunk, and making the car explode. Roy, a nubile young man, meanwhile points a gun and whines like a little baby while his dying, overweight, aging partner does all the work.
Mh...five minutes in and I already hate this movie. In the reviewing business we would normally call that "a bad thing."
So, Casper is now in custody. Now, the government knows there are gonna be other terrorists out there after him, so they decide on the best way to keep a dangerous international criminal under guard: under the custody of a worthless agent who's not had enough training, and on a submarine run by an unpredictable captain. The captain has a bad history with his superiors because he caught a boat full of Iraqis but ran a nuclear sub aground. Don't ask me how you can catch a boat by running a sub aground, that would require logic, which this movie has little of.
What follows is our introduction to Captain Jack Shaw, supposedly a hardcore commander though we find his crew playing strip poker on the deck while the sub is in motion, and Dr. Lisa Finch. I have always wondered what a "doctor" to Hollywood writers was. How many movies do we have where a person with a Ph.D. is some young twenty-something, and most often showing an attitude and personality that doesn't resemble heavy training? Lisa's character is a bit of an oddity too - she's a marine biologist, yet she seems to know more about the sub and it's computers than the sailors do. Her scientific explanations are complete bogus as well, from the typical mutation from radiation schem right down to what made the octopus big: anthrax. Yes, this movie claims anthrax can make giant mutant animals. Have I mentioned I hate this movie?
Any way, the sub goes underway, when they experience rudder trouble and have to stop. Two guys go out in scuba gear to investigate and of course get munched by the giant octopus, which has now made its appearance. Shaw orders the sub to go under...wait! What happened to the rudder trouble?!
Mines only serve to tick the octopus off, so it gives the sub a beating of a lifetime and sends it to the ocean floor. Meanwhile, Casper escapes from his cell, beats the crap out of Roy, and escapes. Roy is such a biznitch-ass pansy in this movie - Casper takes a sailor hostage, orders Roy to let him go, Roy complies, then the sailor dies any way. Wow! Didn't see that coming! Even more hilarious is during their fight Roy is hit in the arms by a cannister...and this knocks him out. When we see him again he's rubbing the back of his head. Sailors panic and run off into a bay which immediately gets locked (don't ask how) and then the Octopus breaks through and starts to eat them all. Of course, I was sitting there watching this scene, thinking to myself how lucky I was this wasn't a hentai and the crew weren't all women, because then those tentacles would have...well, never mind.
Shaw, Roy, Lisa, and Casper - back in their custody - eventually escape from the sub using a submersible...hey wait? Why didn't the panicking sailors make for the submersible? Any way, they make it to the shore where a cruise liner happens to be. But nah-ah! One thing I forgot! Casper's terrorist friends have taken the cruise liner's crew hostage and are waiting for them to fly Casper to safety! True to formulaic form, the octopus arises and attacks the boat. It seems to have morals because it only goes after the terrorists. This brings me to a fine point:
Let's say you're a terrorist armed with a submachine gun. An octopus the size of the ship you're on is attacking. There's a large gaping mouth opening wide, and tentacles are lashing about looking for food. Do you...
A) Run right up to the mouth and shoot at the thing.
B) Get the heck out of there.
C) Fire your agent for putting you in this movie.
Now granted, I would have chosen C, but I think you know darn well what the terrorist chose.
In the end they of course blow the octopus up, using the submersible and some dynamite the terrorist had. This brings me to the biggest reason I hate this movie: no freggin' sense of time. Roy drives the submersible down to the octopus, then with ten seconds - TEN SECONDS - left, escapes out of the submersible and reaches the surface while the submersible explodes inside the octopus, causing an atomic bomb-like explosion. IN TEN SECONDS?! There is also the annoying habit in this film of characters never showing any urgency. Whenever they're down to borrowed time they stop to make stupid jokes, flirt with one another, kiss, or discuss the obvious. Imagine a scene from a September 11 movie that would go like this:
WTC Worker: "The building's on fire, we gotta get out of here! Go up the ladder!"
WTC Secretary: "OK. Hey don't look up my skirt!"
WTC Worker: "Blue panties, eh? My favorite color..."
This movie was terrible. I mean REALLY bad. Seriously, there were concentration camp officers with more redeeming qualities than this movie. This review only covers half of my problems with this stream of lard they called a script. I only watched it because I read a review that made fun of it, but I never realized just how truly bad it was. Do not watch it. My word is not just my opinion, its the God-honest truth. Please, save your soul.
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