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120 of 125 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Alone... and rightly so, January 29, 2005
I laughed, I cried, it moved me... out of the theatre. Not fast enough, sadly, to escape the inept garbage bin that is "Alone in the Dark." It's the sort of movie that gets relegated to discount bins for four bucks, but isn't ever purchased -- poor direction, bad acting, and a script that pushes new boundaries of silliness.
It opens with an explanation about the Abskani, an ancient civilization who apparently worshiped demons -- and were somehow destroyed by them. Fast-forward to the twenty-first century, and you find that the adage about "those who don't learn from history) is true: Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) is obsessed with using Abskani artifacts, and only Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a clone of Agent Mulder, can hope to stop him.
Carnby is haunted by nightmares that are somehow connected to those ancient demons, and by experiments that Hudgens performed years ago. He teams up with his museum-curator ex-girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid -- and no, I am not joking!) to stop Hudgens from using some ancient statue to release interdimensional aliens, who may destroy the entire human race.
It's an exhibition of wooden acting, an orgy of silly ideas, a giant steaming pile of celluloid that should have been relegated to late nights on the Sci Fi Channel. In fact, it's difficult to understand why this video game adaptation wasn't relegated to the "Direct to Video" bins, along with all the other bad horror flicks.
Where to begin? What bad thing about this is the worst? Let's start with Uwe Boll's direction -- it's leaden and uneven, full of slow-motion and quick cuts at all the wrong moments. Apparently nobody told Boll that alien beasties jumping out does NOT count as a shocking plot twist. At least Boll wasn't directly responsible for the script, which includes an out-of-the-blue sex scene, and Aline reading ancient scripts by memory.
The acting never becomes much better than the script or direction -- Slater and Dorff are sleepwalking through their roles. And Tara Reid manages a bit of hilarity as a scientist -- we know she's smart, because she wears glasses. It's like watching Paris Hilton pretend to be a particle physicist. How many museum curators wear pants that tight?
Uwe Boll should not direct any more movies. After the ridiculously bad creation that is "Alone in the Dark," I wouldn't trust him to direct a documentary on seaweed, because he would probably botch it up. This movie deserves instant oblivion.
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60 of 63 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Cerebral novocaine, June 11, 2005
This review is from: Alone in the Dark (DVD)
We saw "House of the Dead" and blanched in sheer horror at the ineptness apparent in every scene. We gaped at the use of actual videogame footage spliced into the aforementioned movie. We shrieked in terror, not at the so-called horror elements of the film, but at the fact that Jurgen Prochnow deigned to appear in such trash. And we absolutely wept with soul shattering intensity to see the venerable character actor Clint Howard saddled with an annoying lisp while sporting a cheesy looking yellow rain slicker. As the credits rolled in "House of the Dead," we felt a moment of elation because we realized calling Jack Kevorkian was not necessary, that we would recover from the worst film experience many of us had witnessed in some time. Such was the experience of many viewers' regarding their first encounter with the indomitable Uwe Boll's freshman cinematic disaster. Then came "Alone in the Dark," and the nightmare continued. Who among us will have the bravery to climb to the peak of the highest mountain and shriek at the top of their lungs, "Get thee behind me, Uwe Boll?" From the looks of it, just about everyone who has seen this disaster. No one, thankfully, pulls any punches in describing this train wreck.
Christian Slater's character Edward Carnby has a serious problem. No, it's not appearing in Uwe Boll's film, although that would certainly classify as an insurmountable difficulty. Carnby's primary problem, first elaborated on in an introductory screen scrawl that roughly equals the length of the Oxford English Dictionary, involves an ancient race of technologically advanced people called the Abracadabras...er, I mean the Aldonovas...darn, the Abskani! Yeah, that's it, the Abskani. I think. Anyway, these prehistoric yahoos accidentally opened up some portal between the world of light and the world of dark, thus allowing evil creatures that look like something H.G. Giger upchucked after a Jagermeister binge to enter our world. The Abskani died off as a result, but they left behind a bunch of artifacts scattered throughout the world that, if properly collected and utilized, will allow humanity to close the portal once again. If it's been opened in the first place, that is, which apparently occurs when some old coot named Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) conducts some crackpot experiment with a bunch of kids. One of these kiddies was Eddie Carnby. Now a whole bunch of years later, Carnby is trying to find out what happened to him when he was just a wee lad.
You'll forgive me if my memory starts to blank at this point, but I'll be darned if I can form a coherent narrative concerning the rest of the film. Hudgens had something to do with forming a top-secret government agency entitled Bureau 713 charged with investigating the paranormal. Carnby was once a member but has since struck out alone much to the chagrin of his former colleague Richards (Stephen Dorff). In the middle of all of this artifact gatherin' we meet Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), a brainy archeologist and protégé of Hudgens who just happened to date Carnby at some point in the past. I'd appreciate it if you stop laughing over the idea of Reid as an archeologist and keep reading the review. Thank you. Anyway, some superhuman yutz tries to kill Carnby but fails, and our hero soon turns up to engage Aline in his current quest to discover his missing past. Boll starts tossing out scene after scene of pure schlock, most of which involve highly stylized gunfights involving Carnby, Cedrac, the jackbooted thugs over at Bureau 713, and the Giger beasties. Everything is just as it seems as "Alone in the Dark" judders to its closing credits amidst a shriek of screeching metal and smashing glass. Will Carnby uncover his past? Will Aline Cedrac start wearing contact lenses? Will Richards quit striking macho poses? Who cares?
"Alone in the Dark" is to film what Chernobyl is to nuclear power. Aside from a few interesting shots, primarily the beasties running through a forest and the glimpses we see of the demons' hiding place, nothing works. The cackhanded script, written by no less than three now unemployable hacks, is so full of plot holes that any attempt to explicate on them here at length is an exercise in futility. The dialogue is the equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard, the pacing moves in fits and starts, and the acting is utterly hopeless. Tara Reid as a scientist? Strikes one, two, and three right there. Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff try to do right with a horrible script, but I think it's safe to say both men might want to reconsider their career options after appearing in this atrocity. I hear Kmart is hiring. Dorff especially is in big trouble. With "Feardotcom" and "Alone in the Dark" on his resume, he'll be lucky to qualify for welfare. Congratulations, Uwe Boll--you've managed to wreck more careers than the Hollywood blacklist.
What really frightens me about Boll is his upcoming project "Bloodrayne." I feel that I should go see this film in the theater. Why? Because the inevitable comparisons between this director and Ed Wood practically demand that lovers of bad cinema should sit up and pay attention. I never had the chance to see "Plan 9 From Outer Space" on the big screen, but I do have the opportunity to see an Uwe Boll disaster at the local multiplex. One day that might mean something. Or it might keep me out of heaven. Either way, Herr Boll's formidable prowess at churning out total pap seems impervious to the outraged shrieks of the viewing public. Watch "Alone in the Dark" at your own peril.
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33 of 35 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Case of the Five-Star Reviews"., February 9, 2005
Ladies and gentlemen, may we bring the five star reviews present here to your attention, and may we point out the obvious facts:
1: They are all written in lowercase characters - and so are the account names of their posters.
2: They contain identical adjectives ("hot", "funny") and nouns ("action", "cast") as praises.
3: They share the same spelling mistakes (or are these inept attempts to impersonate an incompetent speller?)
4: They all consist of one sentence only.
5: They all come from freshly registered accounts with no reviews of any products other than UwEbola's film.
6: 90% of the account names of "these reviewers" contain references to an awkward musical genre which, if I recall correctly, is named "gangsta rap".
Ergo, only one question remains: was the person who registered all these accounts and posted all these reviews *ordered* to do so by, say, a Lion's Gate executive, or has s/he acted out of a foolish, misguided sense of loyalty to Uwebola?
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