The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life [BARGAIN PRICE] (Hardcover)

~ Dr. Robin Stern (Author)
Key Phrases: explanation trap, gaslight free, gaslight effect, Turning Off the Gas, Emotional Apocalypse, Gaslight Tango (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review

"The Gaslight Effect is a book that shifts the paradigm for relationships. It is both a sobering reality check and an inspiring push towards more honest, supportive, and equal partnerships. Dr. Stern brings clarity to nuanced social dynamics that often leave even the smartest among us stumped and sad. It will undoubtedly change lives." -- Courtney Martin, author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body

"The Gaslight Effect" is a powerful guide and manual that fully articulates and explains the repercussions of underhanded manipulation in personal and professional relationships. Stern is an expert and storyteller who weaves a compelling narrative. -- Sylvia Ann Hewlett Economist, Author President of the Center for Work-Life Policy

Dr.Robin Stern has had the wisdom to eloquently shine a light on an all too often missed kind of emotional abuse. She addresses what she calls the "gaslight effect" in relationships with sensitivity, compassion, and practical tools for dealing with the gaslighter as well as giving encouragement and hope to those caught in such a situation. I have no doubt this book with positively change many lives. -- Linda Lantieri, Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL)

Robin Stern's book The Gaslight Effect, is a gift to those of us who aspire to living skillfully, compassionately and with presence. I recommend it to everyone who needs a compassionate and practical voice of wisdom to show them a way out of a dysfunctional relationship. -- Craig E. Richards, Ph.D. Director, Summer Principals Academy, Teachers College, Columbia University

The Gaslight Effect is more than a book for women being victimized by covert abuse and manipulation. It is actually should be called, "Life-Light: How to Infuse Your Life and Relationships with Self-Respect, Dignity, and Ethical Leadership". -- Maurice J. Elias, author, Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers

Review

“…Offers a socially intelligent method to spot and counter emotional abuse. … lights a way out of a dark side of relationships.”
–Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence

“…like a sturdy, truth-telling friend in difficult times. Stern will show you you’re not alone in your toxic relationship...”
–Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“…a powerful guide and manual that fully articulates and explains the repercussions of underhanded manipulation in personal and professional relationships.”
–Sylvia Ann Hewlett, economist, author, and president of the Center for Work-Life Policy

“…eloquently shine[s] a light on an often missed … emotional abuse… I have no doubt this book will positively change lives.”
–Linda Lantieri, Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL)

“Dr. Robin Stern is one of the world’s wisest women. There’s much to learn from her.”
–Erica Jong

“…therapist Robin Stern takes her readers on a journey that will help them take control of their lives and destinies.”
–Phyllis Chesler, Ph.D., author of Women and Madness and Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman

“Her strategies for “turning off the gas,” … are practical and sound, emphasizing improving self-esteem and visualizing out-comes. … strongly recommended.”
Library Journal, 4/1/07

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Broadway; 1 edition (May 1, 2007)
• ISBN-10: 0767924452
• ASIN: B0029LHWPO
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #339,288 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

36 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Gaslighting:invalidation and manipulation, December 21, 2007

By	J.F.L.-Fairfax VA "j_f_ligaya" (Annandale, VA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life (Hardcover)

Dr. Stern clearly illustrates how over time, a person's sense of self-worth can be invalidated and the person's perspective and sense of bearings nulled. It is difficult enough to respond when one is caught off-balance by a loud-mouth bully, a cut-you-downer invalidator or a sweet-talking used car salesman. Responding appropriately and eluding danger becomes a lot harder when the corrosive attack is masked. This is when the invalidation and destabilization happen at the same time that a number of the victim's needs are being fulfilled (e.g. praises, romance, a sense of belonging) . The victim may mistake the invalidation/ destabilization by the other person as mere bad habits that the attacker will eventually grow out of. There is also the hopeful wish that love and goodness will prevail over the attacker's bad behavior. When the imbalance is sustained long enough, when the victim's feelings or reasoning are continually belittled and ignored and the victim's resistance always presented as a statement of her deficiencies, then destabilization follows. The victim falls into a malaise from the loss of joy of life. She becomes drained of energy to fight and resist the sniping and bullying. The common-sense action to seek out truth from distortion (or even to tease and be playful) is overwhelmed by walking on eggshells and trying extremely hard not to upset someone.

This book does a good job in identifying the nuances of the problem, describing the stages of seduction/invalidation, and providing ways for one to re-orient, rejuvenate and find solutions out of the problem.

29 of 30 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Gaslighters are abusers!, January 6, 2008

By	Julie P. Clark "http://www.JamieandSteve.com" (Cobbs Creek, Virginia USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life (Hardcover)

If you have a boss, friend, or relative that always seems to make you feel "bad," even though you try and try and bend over backwards to understand them and their viewpoint but they treat you even worse, read this book! If you cannot say anything right, if you don't apologize enough, if you aren't perfect enough, read this book!

If you are "in denial" because you don't agree with how someone else (the gaslighter) sees you, read this book. If you are constantly trying to figure out the "why" of their behavior, read this book. It answers so many questions. It helps you to see that you are a person of value. It also explains how this relationship occurs, and how to end it, or, if you choose, to live with it.

I wish that this book had been available a few years ago, it would have saved me a lot of tears and heartache. It has helped me to come to peace with myself and to not blame myself for something that wasn't my fault. Reading this book for the third time, I believe that I won't be caught up in a relationship like that again. Gaslighters are abusers (see also the work of Patricia Evans), and you don't have to take it anymore!

I highly recommend this book...it could save you years of therapy and save you thousands of dollars!

71 of 80 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Long way to go, July 19, 2008

By	somebody's mom - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life (Hardcover)

Sometimes when I read these books that do such a marvelous job of describing the interactions with abusive people and then try to give readers a 'clue' about how to continue contact with them, I get concerned.

I think the biggest destructive message you get when you are gaslighted is that somehow the victim can change the behavior of the abuser by changing the victim's behavior.

In other words - the victim, by her behavior is causing herself to be gaslighted.

This is dangerous thinking. It is the typical blame the victim thinking that is espoused by mental health professionals again and again and again.

Why? Because the mental health professionals are making money off the victims - not the abusers. How many abusers do you think bought this book? But how many victims. Follow the money.

I commend this author for attempting to address this psychological abuse in her book, because there is little written about it anywhere. Yet, it can drive victims to suicide.

But the author fails by not addressing the severity of this abuse - in fact she fails to even call it abuse, nor does she talk about the effect on the victim. The book is too cutsey for me. There is nothing cute about being gaslighted. It is deadly serious.

Someday I hope that mental health professionals understand that they are making money off suffering and it is irresponsible to publish a cutsey book about psychological abuse that can drive someone to kill themselves.

The only place I saw the word 'abuse' was on the cover of the book, from a reviewer. This is serious business folks. I would rather have my ribs broken than my mind.

Unfortunately the author skips around issues that she should have hit head on.

With physical abuse, someone kills you. With psychological abuse you kill yourself. How much cleaner is that? Your abuser then gets away with psychological abuse and is vindicated - YOU ARE CRAZY - crazy enough to slit your wrists!

Be very careful folks. This book is just the tip of the iceberg. You cannot change someone who is setting out to use psychological abuse (gaslighting) to control you. You need to get away or you could die.

You do not play a part in any way whatsoever. By trying to explain yourself, you are being a NORMAL human being in an abnormal situation. You are not engaging in a tango. You are being NORMAL, believing that you are interacting with a human being - not a predator.

But you are dealing with a predator, who preys on his own kind. The normal rules of engagement do not apply here. You cannot change a predator by ignoring what he is trying to do - drive you insane.

That is not cutsey. There is no tango involved. It doesn't take two. It takes one predator who preys on your goodness and willingness to change behaviors that you think are hurting him because you care. There is nothing wrong with caring. Empathy. Keep those qualities for someone who isn't preying on you. Changing the way you react to the predator will not change a thing. It is exactly what he wants you to do.

Your anger and protests are your demonstrations of your self-worth. Keep them. Don't silence yourself as this author suggests. But do get away.

PERIOD.