Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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423 of 432 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Don't let your perfectionism keep you from reading it!, November 18, 2002
By A Customer
Some of the other reviewers have pointed out that this book has grammatical errors. While this is true, please don't let the perfectionism that is an inherant part of growing up with a narcissistic parent prevent you from reading and benfitting from this book.This book goes through a relatively quick but thorough diagnostic process to help you determine whether your parent was a narcissist, and then makes its single most important point: THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Nothing you can do, or could have done, would make a difference. The remaining 2/3rds of the book is about coping, protecting yourself, and recovering from narcissistic abuse. This is what you CAN DO to make the rest of your life happier and healthier. Get the book, silence the critic inside your head, and get going on getting better!
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258 of 261 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Unique Ways of Dealing with the Its-All-About-Me Parent, December 18, 2004
I have found this book to be useful in my ministry for adult children of abusive or controlling parents, Luke 17:3 Ministries. It begins by describing Destructive Narcissistic Parents (DNPs),teaches how being raised by them affected you, and gives very unique techniques for diffusing their ability to hurt you. It subscribes to the theory that confrontation will not work because a narcissist will never change and does not believe he is doing anything wrong, but rather thinks that everyone else exists for his use and benefit; therefore other techniques for dealing with him are suggested, including avoidance, humor, or body language designed to subconsciously confuse the narcissist.
Does your parent have attention needs, admiration needs, the need to be considered unique and special, lack of empathy, feel others are extensions of herself, grandiosity, shallow emotions, a sense of entitlement, emotionally abusive traits, or does she exploit others? These characteristics identify a DNP, and specific examples of each trait are given.
As an adult, you can have two possible responses to being raised by a DNP. You may have a Siege Response- some traits of which include becoming defiant when given orders or demands, rebelling against restrictions or rules, being wary or fearful of intimacy, feeling anxious or panicky when others want to be nurtured, guilty feelings, personalizing others' behavior, being easily offended, etc. You may also exhibit the Compliant Response, including needing to be liked or approved of, feeling responsible for others' well-being, feeling that others are taking advantage of you, sacrificing personal needs for others, being overemotional, being overly critical of yourself and others, etc.
We are taught coping strategies which include developing emotional insulation, avoiding trying to empathize, giving up unrealistic fantasies, and meeting our emotional needs instead of putting them second to everyone else's.
The empowering strategies which are suggested are very interesting. For instance, becoming contrary when a DNP is trying to manipulate us- without explaining or announcing what we are doing, simply doing the opposite of or something entirely different from whatever is wanted or ordered. Other examples include becoming indifferent, avoiding interactions, setting guidelines your parent must follow in order to obtain your cooperation, practicing a blank facial expression and no response when being criticized, acting bored and "drifting" to another subject, asking a series of questions that will point out the absurdity of what they are saying, and declaring independence. It is important not to let them get a rise out of you or appear hurt, angry or defensive.
This book is especially valuable for those with self-centered parents who exploit them, and have probably done so since childhood. Many of us will recognize the narcissist in our own parents.
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119 of 121 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Well-written with a lot of good information, May 11, 2001
By A Customer
This book is very well-written and does a very good job of addressing the special needs and concerns of adult children of narcissists. I recognized my family and myself in this book, and feel confident that by applying the strategies in this book, I can break the chain of narcissism before damaging my own child. This is NOT a blame-the-parents book. It helps the reader to understand why the parents behaved the way that they did, and that they will not understand that they did anything wrong. The Destructive Narcissist Parent did the best he or she could, and now it is time for the adult child to break free of the destructive pattern.
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by Eleanor D. Payson
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