Loving Simply, Simply Loving

by Janet Luhrs

I had gotten divorced and was sitting in the emotional fallout, thinking, "I don't want to go through this upheaval again. I need to learn about creating a successful relationship!" Then I remembered. Over the many years I'd published my "Simple Living" newsletter, I had interviewed countless people who had simplified their lives in some way, large or small. What always stayed with me was the special closeness of the couples. I wondered why they seemed to have an emotional connection that I hadn't seen in many couples who had not simplified their lives.

Some of the most touching stories came to mind: the husband who told me he brushed his wife's long hair every night while she read to him; the couple who celebrated the holiday season not by shopping frantically, but by turning all of the lights out in the evening, burning candles all over and laying side by side, noticing the lines around the eyes, the turn of the lips, as if for the first time, not speaking. There was the couple who said they liked to make love on the screened porch during thunderstorms.

I remembered these stories, but still wanted to learn more. I cruised the relationship section of the bookstore, hoping to find answers, but instead came up with one how-to book after another that somehow didn't speak to me. I thought about those couples again and wondered, what was the link? What were these people doing, or how were they different, from couples who had not simplified in some way? What could I learn from them?

I went out and talked to many more couples who had simplified their lives and tried to come up with patterns--common themes. After talking to countless more, I found those traits, and my book, Simple Loving, was born. I had to share what I'd learned. Some live in the city and hold professional jobs, others live in small towns, and still others on 25 acres, generating their own light and heat. Some have children, some do not. Their ages and incomes range all over the spectrum. Yet I discovered 12 common themes:

1. They have high levels of self-awareness.

2. They have a sense of purpose in the world.

3. They connect at their essence, rather than on the surface.

4. Something larger than their relationship keeps them together.

5. They are highly authentic, presenting their true selves to each other and to the world.

6. They are conscious and deliberate about the way they live their lives.

7. No matter what their income, they do not carry consumer debt.

8. They know what "enough" is for them.

9. They are able to see past the daily irritations to the big picture of their lives.

10. Their marriages are an evolution of two defined people who can stand on their own and yet be emotionally close.

11. They celebrate the simple pleasure of life.

12. They give more priority to their compassionate, open, cooperative loving souls, rather than to their outer, commercial layers of success.

Simple Loving is filled with stories about these couples who have created open space and open time; about two people focusing within and on one another, and not on who is busier and whose career is more important. These are couples who live in the modern world, yet still make time for each other, time for themselves, and time for their children. They are couples who say that when all else is stripped away, a life lived with love is what matters.

Janet Luhrs is the founder of the simplicity movement and author of The Simple Living GuideandSimple Loving.