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The Baronzo Creative Writing Thread (a place for an even more casual conversation)

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Initial post: Dec 17, 2008 6:47:49 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 17, 2008 7:37:34 PM PST
ronzo says:
This is the dumping ground for things that don't belong in the other threads. For things that go dump in the night....

If you've got an idea for a parody....
If it is an idea that just won't be accepted anywhere else....
If you just want to "don't let's be silly."
Well, don't let's be silly here.

Current topic thread:
I had tons of Lego as a boy. All gone now. That is one toy that's still around, after decades, like Barbie, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, and G.I. Joe.

I've got it!!! 2001: A Space Spudyssey!

Can you picture it? Barbie and G.I. Joe play the human characters. The whole ship is lego. Once the computer, [SAL 9000 (you have to watch those copyrights!), indicated by a Slinky instead of the red light (the slinky slinks when communicating),] ejects Barbie into space, G.I. Joe is left to face the vortex and the big black lego rectangle!, at which time, on his little bed, he utters "I had tons of Lego as a boy. All gone now. That is one toy that's still around, after decades, like Barbie, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, and G.I. Joe." And then the final shot of Mr. Potato Head; suspended in space.

our tale continues ...

So, G.I Joe finds a lovely bedroom (slightly girly but he secretly enjoys that), made of Lego, where he will spend his declining years while a sinister computer ("Open the fridge door, SAL") sings American tunes from the 1920's to him.

Barbie, meanwhile, was "rescued" by Dr. Zaius and Cornelius and taken to their planet which she soon discovers is actually a big shopping mall... to her sheer delight. In an upscale fashion shop, Dr. Zaius and Cornelius spend three long hours sitting outside a fitting room while Barbie tries on many outfits. They suddenly notice that her purse, which they are holding for her, is a black rectangle.

Unfortunately, for GI Joe, though the music is good and the ambience just right, the fridge contains only potato products. And although he realizes this is fiction, he can't bear the thought of an eternity of spuds. Thus begins his irrational hatred of the seemingly ubiquitous Mr. Potato. To sooth himself, he steps into something "Slinky" and sings "Mad Dogs and Englishment go out in the Midday Sun"; and other tasty Noel Coward treats.

Meanwhile, for Barbie, the shopping spree continues. Luckily for her, everything is free at the mall, so it is little matter about the loss of her purse's contents. And she is quite taken with the new black rectangle brassiere, which Dr. Zaius and Cornelius present to her. In fact, the low hum that the brassiere seems to emit is quite soothing. The shopping continues.

Unfortunately, for Dr. Zaius and Barbie, Cornelius was none other than "Yukon Gold" Cornelius; tamer of the Abominable and formidable henchman and spy of Mr. Potato. It was their diabolical plan to keep Barbie shopping, while they dealt with GI Joe. But what they hadn't counted on was that even Barbie could get bored of shopping. "All of the clothes are free", she lamented, "so there is no snob factor. But what else am I good for, but for trying on clothes?"

The man who knew the answer to that was light years away; making shapes on his Etch-a-Sketch. "All it makes are right-angled shapes" he observed. "There must be something in it." He wondered, did it have something to do with the black slab of lego that stood before him? Could the answer be found in dismantling the Etch-a-Sketch?

It would have to wait until he'd finished "watching Hyacinth", as he called it,
for Keeping Up Appearances was on. There was nothing GI Joe liked better than echoing Hyacinth as she bellowed ... "It's Sheriddaaaannnnn." Then again, GI Joe did like staring at his own slim-line, white, automatic redial telephone, and imagine someone calling him. It had happened once, ages ago, but it was someone who wanted Chinese take-away. If he only had a Mercedes, sauna, and room for a pony, he thought.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 17, 2008 7:55:50 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 17, 2008 8:33:20 PM PST
Oh, boy; this promises to be interesting.

Tonight's film concept is a hybrid of all the cuckoo/scary/faded/twisted women movies. We might just call it "Whatever Happened to Cousin Miriam on Sunset Boulevard?"

Ready? Here's a rough story idea I threw together:

'Baby Face' Norma Hanson was a child star in vaudeville (her most popular numbers were "Golly, I Like Cookies" and "I've Written a Letter to Kitty"). She soaked up the spotlight and the love of her fans, while her demure sister Madge looked on wistfully from the wings.

Both girls became stars in showbiz. As they became women, Norma turned into a demanding, boozing diva while Madge kept collecting Oscar statuettes and eyebrow pencils. Before long Norma was garish and ugly, box office poison, and a laughingstock. Madge remained popular, wholesome and deadly boring. Her idea of a fun evening was reorganizing the guest towel closet.

One evening after a party at British funster Gary Krant's mansion, there was a terrible car accident.

Years later, the two sisters live a fairly secluded life in a decaying Victorian Gothic mansion, on a Louisiana plantation called Infinite Regrets. Madge is crippled and spends her days watching her old movies on the 'Forgotten Cinema Duds' Channel. Norma has become a surly caregiver, reduced to preparing various pills and Swanson's Hungry Gal Frozen Dinners for Madge. Norma has tried to uphold a vestige of her former celebrity: vibrant lipstick and brassy ringlet curls. She is a grotesque parody of feminine beauty... a sad, smelly, dreadful thing. The neighbor children often throw deodorant products into the windows.

It's a sunny, sultry afternoon when down-on-his luck screenwriter Bill Golden's car breaks down near the plantation. He is invited into the house by the servant, Magma (a crusty, ornery, craggy coot of a woman in a frayed gingham housedress and matching shoes). Norma instantly mistakes Bill for the chocolate bar delivery man. Learning that he is a stranded script writer, Norma realizes that it is destiny which has brought them together. He is the perfect person to help her revive her career. Bill looks quizzically at all the Old Spice and Mitchum deodorants littering the floor.

(To Be Continued???)

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 17, 2008 7:59:30 PM PST
"Room for a pony." This is just too cool. I love that Britcom.
"It's pronounced 'Bouquet'!"

What a great Lego tale, Ronzo.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 17, 2008 9:36:01 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 17, 2008 9:58:19 PM PST
Unable to keep up with all the slavery and abuse, Magma secretly moves her twin sister, Smegma, into a filthy storage room back of the kitchen. Smegma is mentally-challenged but great at scrubbing toilets, which Norma makes necessary about three times a day. When Smegma refuses to do her work, Magma beats her with a broom and feeds her raw liver, potato sprouts and deodorant.

Investigating mysterious screams in the night, in the dark, Norma finds Smegma in her closet and, seeing through the subterfuge, hatches a plan. She disguises herself as sister Madge, wearing a ratty black wig and a half-pound of false eyebrows. Taking Smegma with her, she robs a bank and steals $40,000, leaving the old woman behind to be arrested and jailed. Norma hides the money in a cookie-jar but uses some of it to upgrade to digital cable, in order to enjoy the expensive colorized movies.

This turns out to be an unintended comfort to Madge, who has become sick of spying on Norma and Bill's drunken games of nude Twister. She switches from the basic-cable "Forgotten Cinema Duds" to the "Old, Unwanted, Black and White Classics" channel. Unfortunately, she hasn't been watching for long when she discovers that a half-dozen of her films have been scheduled for a "Worst Soap Operas of All Time" marathon.

Driven to despair, Madge begins to hide her pills and plan a double-murder and suicide.

One night the doorbell rings. Norma screams for Magma, who is visiting Smegma in prison. Norma grabs a hammer and, cursing and muttering to herself, dragging her feet and picking her nose, makes her slovenly way down the mildewed stairs. Norma opens the door to find Cousin Miriam, soaking wet and covered from head to foot with mud and dung from having fallen into the swamp.......


In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 7:58:59 AM PST
Nice, work, Doc. LOL! You know, I actually enjoy the "Old, Unwanted, Black and White Classics" Channel... sometimes. ;-)

We've got two things brewing here. I don't know if I should dive in and continue the 2001/Hyacinth one, or what. Plus I have about nine other titles in the back of my head waiting for life. How they got moved from the front I will chalk up to a scuffle during the night.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 8:05:41 AM PST
Ronzo and Doc,

We seem to be talented and disturbed writers. What say we just keep the Norma and Madge story going? (If it's okay with you both.) We could take turns adding a couple paragraphs to it. We could go in a specific order (Ronzo, Doc, Baron) so there's no confusion. What do you say?
If the tale gets tedious we can end it and begin a new, different parody.
But I want both your opinions before I write more stuff.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 8:45:53 AM PST
ronzo says:

Hungry Gal Frozen Dinners? LOL :)
The "You created this discussion" tag on this thread seems to be accusing me of something! hee hee

I'd love to hear the lyrics to "Golly, I Like Cookies"!!!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 9:14:58 AM PST

Hungry Gal Frozen Dinners, yes... it was actually going to be "Big-Boned Gal Frozen Dinners".

Now *this* is a silly thread. Yay!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 9:43:31 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 18, 2008 9:51:03 AM PST
Continuing with SHUT...SHUT UP, BABY JUNE is fine with me. If we keep this up, anyone who reads it will be "weaving lots and lots of little baskets".

"Christina! Bring me THE AXE!!!"

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 10:25:45 AM PST
ronzo says:
Cousin Miriam, though covered in mud and dung, is still a looker compared with Norma. Consumed with jealousy, Norma hatches a most diabolical plan.

"We've just upgraded to digital cable" she sneers ... "Come and have a Hermaphroditic TV Dinner with us." Their delicious viagra-laced, iron-rich meal is just the diversion needed, as the colorized film slowly warps their minds.
"I never pictured Sam Spade in a reflective, lime green suit" Miriam chimed in, "but now I see it...." "And the purple falcon ... it was a stroke of genius to match it with The Fat Man's pants" said Madge. The ladies giggled. No one noticed that Norma's enormous false eye-lashes prohibited her from seeing the travesty on screen, and kept her mind immune from the colorization's effects. Miriam and Madge were held helpless in the cathode rays ... their minds warping ... "It should have been the Maltese Rooster!" they shrieked and cackled.

Norma went upstairs and took her ill-gotten bank gains, filled their pockets, and pushed them out into the street, where they were apprehended by the authorities. They served their sentences in the Turner Home for the Mentally Disturbed. While Norma sat alone, but content, watching her Old, Unwanted, Black and White Classics.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 10:34:46 AM PST
ronzo says:
Baron and Mabuse,

Sorry to take so long. I've been distracted, but I'm here.

Good work so far. I've just read my post and noted it sounds quite final. :(

Anyone for a jail-break?

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 10:58:53 AM PST

Your episode is hardly final. Bill, Magma and Smegma are still up for dirty-doing.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 11:46:26 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 18, 2008 11:51:46 AM PST
Some time later...

The jailbreak was behind them, a vague memory involving some 23-thread-count sheets, a spoon, and Crisco shortening. They pooled all their money (what there was of it) and went on the lamb, eventually settling down in California. New identities and slight changes in appearance (Madge started wearing showy sunhats) became a part of their lives. The house on Sunset Boulevard was spacious enough, even though the faint scent of murder and scandal hung in the breakfast nook. While rummaging through a few things that the former owner (a dead cattle baron named Moss Puddinghead) had carelessly left behind, Madge stumbled upon a hidden bottom in a bowling bag where there was a huge amount of cash. Miriam and Norma agreed that life would become very pleasant with all that money. Madge grudgingly went along them; it was either that or get locked in the Packard trunk overnight again.

Back at Infinite Regrets, Bill sat alone at the dining room table, staring at his soup, fidgeting with his spoon, and wondered what had happened to everyone. In the distance a peacock makes that annoying, shrill noise. Bill realizes it is actually Magma's sister Smegma waking up in the chicken coop.
But we'll come back to Bill eventually.

Miriam ingratiated herself into Norma and Madge's lives. The housekeeper Magma didn't really trust Miriam, and would mutter ugly little remarks under her breath as she passed Miriam. Miriam thought she heard the word 'bovine' in there somewhere.
Miriam agreed to help Norma make a comeback in Hollywood. So Cousin Miriam arranged for a singing coach, a dressmaker, a posture teacher... and also a sandblaster to improve Norma's face.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 11:47:56 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 18, 2008 11:48:55 AM PST
So we'll take turns writing in this order: Ronzo, Sard, Doc.
That will take care of any confusion.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 12:08:11 PM PST
Mae Rose says:
Meanwhile, Norma discovers that her father has been buried with the winning lottery ticket in his pocket. So, on a dark and moonless night, Norma sneeks off to the cemetary to unearth her newly buried father. She pries the lid of the coffin open with her crobar and, horror of horrors! Her newly buried father has prematurely rotted and decayed! In the casket is an odious, nearly liquid, mass of putrescence. Norma screams in horror and sinks to the ground. It is unknown whether she actually slavages the lottery ticket. She hurridly covers the casket with fresh new earth, replete with earthworms, and crawls home, making slurping noises. The next morning, Cousin Miriam discovers that a singing coach and sandblaster are not necessary (although she still arranges for the dressmaker and posture teacher to make a visit). Norma's face has been distorted into a permanent, sardonic smile. Yes, Norma will have to stowaway on a slow boat to Transylvania, the only place in the world where her problem can be remedied.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 12:57:14 PM PST
Great tribute to the movie "Mr. Sardonicus", Mae Rose!

So far we will write in this order: Ronzo, Sard, Mae Rose, Doc.

We can accomodate anyone who chimes in.

Doc, you're next.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:14:52 PM PST
Re: "...went on the lamb..."
Is that anything like putting one's butt on the lion?

"In the casket is an odious, nearly liquid, mass of putrescence."
Have you recently read Poe's "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar"?

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:20:45 PM PST
[Deleted by the author on Jan 8, 2009 5:13:45 PM PST]

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:48:40 PM PST
Mae Rose says:
Dr. Mabuse--how 'stute of you! It's my favorite Poe short story!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:49:39 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 18, 2008 2:03:17 PM PST
Mae Rose says:
Actually, I haven't read "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar" since high school or college, but the "odious peutrescence" line is one of my favorites!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:50:32 PM PST
Mae Rose says:
Sard--my post was in your honor!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 1:52:11 PM PST
Mae Rose says:
Rick--there are inroads for "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane", "Mr. Sardonicus", "The Facts in the Case of Monsieur Valdemar" and "Revolt of the Worms"!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 3:13:59 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 18, 2008 3:16:14 PM PST
Sorry, gang, I'm bailing. It's snowing here and now that I've spewed some venom I'm back to the holiday mood.

Baron: I'm having a nice cup of coffee and watching Rankin/Bass' THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS.

Ronzo: Next up, THE ZIRA AND CORNELIUS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. Guest Stars: Linda Harrison, Natalie Trundy, and the Forbidden Zone Choir Boys.

Mae Rose: You continue to amaze me.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 4:24:50 PM PST

Bailing as in for today, on this particular thread?

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 18, 2008 4:35:31 PM PST
ronzo says:
And yet ... perhaps Norma's career wasn't over after all. Investing the last of their loot in a nip here ... a tuck there ... she changed her name to Marilyn, and boarded a bus for Hollywood.
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