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Why is it so hard to find a good man?


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Initial post: Jul 7, 2007 1:29:26 PM PDT
I just completed interviewing over 125 single men, and I am very upset at some of the comments they made about single women. I asked for their honesty, but I did not expect to hear things like: I don't want to be with any woman that has kids; Women are not willing to quit their jobs and stay home to raise kids; or Women are too confused and don't know what they want in a man.

When are things going to change? When will women be viewed differently??? I welcome your comments.

Zenja Glass
Author of: 25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Man!
Author of: 25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Woman!
www.25ReasonsWhy.com

In reply to an earlier post on Oct 17, 2007 12:17:25 PM PDT
L. Whitley says:
Hi Zenja,
I understand exactly how you feel. My husband divorced me and one of the reasons he gave me was: you don't' know what you want in a man, and you don't know how to be happy. I don't think is women's fault that men create these comments; I believe is their own lack of responsibility towards commitment and accepting their own shortcomings. It is easier to blame it on someone else, than accept they are the problem in many occasions.

In reply to an earlier post on Oct 17, 2007 1:32:46 PM PDT
Yvonne says:
Wow Whitley,

Girl... it gets tough! Keep your head up and never allow him, or anyone else to stop you from continuing to love.

I thank you so much for the comments. Please stay in touch with me. This page may be changing soon because I will be having all my books printed through BookSurge (which will still be sold on Amazon).

Much love,
Z.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 2, 2007 6:23:40 AM PDT
NickLo says:
May I suggest you go and google Stop your Divorce "
This guy Dr. Homer Mcdonald has written a book that
helped me get my wife back.

NickLo

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 30, 2008 10:51:02 AM PDT
Zenja,

Why is it so hard to find a good woman? My divorce is final Wednesday from a woman who decided after a year-and-a-half that "we made a mistake" because her "expectations weren't met." My first marriage lasted 19 years; this one not-quite two. In both cases, the notion of a couple being a new entity made up of two people disappeared for the women. Eventually, both revealed that they believed down deep that their individual interests reigned supreme. At the moment they felt that those interests -- called "expectations" by No. 2 -- were not served by the marriage, they bailed. Why do women (and men) believe that? Isn't marriage supposed to be two people, all in, creating a new and stronger entity?

K

In reply to an earlier post on Aug 11, 2008 11:49:34 AM PDT
marymertz1 says:
I have two sons in their twenties. They are both very handsome (yea, I know) and the oldest has had many girlfriends (he's 25) over the last 10-12 years. Whenever he starts to get a little serious they bail. His current girlfriend of almost a year thinks "marriage is just a piece of paper" and doesn't want to bother with it. My son is very sincere in wanting to settle down, raise a family and has a good job and owns his own home. He doesn't understand why the women he meets don't want to ever get serious. They'll "play" at marriage (you know what I mean) but not do the actual thing.

My youngest who's 23 has a hard time getting a girlfriend and they all seem to want the "bad boys." He's a drummer, and a college student and has a job, too.
I have heard from many moms and their sons that women aren't wanting to get married and settle down nowadays. What's the deal?! I know my kids aren't perfect so that's no issue.

In reply to an earlier post on Sep 21, 2008 5:08:10 PM PDT
Lady says:
I am just curious, were any of the single men that you interviewed Black American(ages 25-35)? I am a young, attractive Black American woman who fits everything you mentioned above including the fact that I am educated. However, it is the total opposite for me. Most of the men(not all) that I meet already have kids and baby mama drama. They usually want a woman above their standards. For instance, they expect a woman to be pretty, well built, educated, and make a decent salary when they can not bring much of anything to the table. Lets not even go there with wanting a woman to quit her job and raise the kids. Most of the guys that I meet expect a woman to be the child bearing, bread winner for the entire house hold. Did I also mention that some of them do not believe in committing to one woman through marriage? No, I don't meet men at the club or any other negative stereo typed place some may think. I am talking about at school, work, the grocery store, etc. So, my point is that not all our struggles are the same. I would be more willing to work with a man who knows that he should be the provider rather than the one who lets me do it all on my own. I like the idea of making dinner for a big strong bread winning man versus a coward who lets me run the household on my own.(lol) I am somewhat old fashioned and this is simply my opinion.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 7, 2008 1:26:47 PM PST
Tammy says:
I finally ended a mostly painful 22-year marriage. I thought I could love enough for the both of us -- obviously, that doesn't work well. I was weak and insecure back when we were engaged and I discovered that he was seeing another woman. Still insecure and frightened of "failing" my new marriage when after only ten months of marriage, I discovered he was screwing around with someone else (a different woman than before!). I married an abusive alcoholic, but I didn't know it until nearly 22 years later! Why? -- because that's what I knew -- I grew up with it. My alcoholic mother used to beat me and she threw me out of her house when she had enough of me. I felt disposable. I wanted and desperately needed security and to feel loved. I thought that I was marrying that. I look back and don't know how I could've thought that, but we all change, don't we? My ex and I aren't the same naiive people who decided to get married all those years ago. My marriage was based on lies, broken trust, disrespect and unfaithfulness. Still, I hung in there, determined to make a happy home for my kids. As my kids grew older and seemingly needed me less, I found myself feeling more and more unhappy and unfulfilled than ever. How could I have been? I was living only to be a mom to my kids. I don't resent being a mother -- it was the best thing that ever happened to me and the thing that I think I've been best at doing. My last attempt to "repair" the marriage was when I went to him and said, "Something feels wrong. I want to fix it." and he did nothing. So, at nearly age 40, with three great kids and a new job, I finally had the guts to say "I'm done". It wasn't an easy decision to make and I know it's caused my children a great deal of pain, which is the worst of it, but I'm glad I did it. I'm in a relationship with a man now who over-commits and under-delivers. I love him, but I'm unsure if I'm "settling" just so I won't be alone. I don't know if I can find someone "better" than he is. I know exactly what I want in a man and I have a lot to offer a man. I just feel like I've always given more to a relationship than I've received and I resent being exploited and subjugated to a man's self-serving need to take care of himself first.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 7, 2008 1:53:38 PM PST
NickLo says:
Dear Kathryn,
I too was married for 22 years.
My wife left me a year ago and divorced me in June.
She too was disallusioned with being only a mom.
But I was an excellent (If I do say so myself) husband
and didnt deserve to be abandoned the way she did.
I know now that she is having her mid life crisis.
God works in mysterious ways and I'm sure he has a plan for you. Just as he has a plan for me.
We'll just have to be patient and see.

Nicholas

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 8, 2008 5:06:58 AM PST
Yvonne says:
Hi NickLo,

Unfortunately,many of the people I interviewed seem to feel that the grass is always greener on the other side. You and I both know that it's not always true. You seem like a great person, and I thank you for the advice you gave to Kathryn.

Z. Glass
Author of: "25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Man"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 8, 2008 5:19:27 AM PST
Yvonne says:
Hi Kyle,

Many single men asked me this very question. My answer... open your eyes... they are out there. I always tell men to realize that she could already be in your life; however, because you may have an ideal image of what you want, you don't see her. She could be the single mother down the street working two jobs, the clerk at the bank that you never gave a second glance, the usher at church who always seem to be serving the poor, etc.

I am sorry to hear about your recent divorce. Please do not be afraid to take another chance at love.

Z. Glass
Author of: "25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Woman."

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 8, 2008 5:23:44 AM PST
Yvonne says:
Mary,

You are right. Many women (and men) are scared because of the examples they witnessed growing up. The divorce rate is at an all-time high, and people are loving their "freedom".

Z. Glass
Author of:
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Man"
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find of Keep a Woman"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 8, 2008 5:32:05 AM PST
Yvonne says:
Hi "Lady"

I don't have my actual stats in front of me right now; however, I can say that the men I interviewed were from all races and backgrounds.

Yes, you will always have those men who have very high expectations, yet bring nothing to the table. The same statement can be made for the men. My research indicated that the problems seem to arise when someone "settles" and in turn, gets mad because the other person isn't changing.

You are right... not all struggles are the same. You have to decide what's comfortable for you, and not settle for less. There is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned... if it works for YOU.

Much luv,

Z. Glass
Author of:
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Man"
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find of Keep a Woman"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 8, 2008 5:44:48 AM PST
Yvonne says:
Wow Kathryn,

Your posting was powerful and I thank you for sharing such personal information for us all to learn from. Please do not ever think you have to settle in life and be exploited just to feel some love.

You only get one life to live, and you (like most of us), deserve happiness. I do not claim to be a relationship expert (only a researcher in this field); however, I do want to tell you that you must work on yourself and become a whole person as an individual... not look for a man (or anyone for that matter) to complete you.

I learned in life many moons ago that no one can make me happy... no one can complete me... with my faith in God, I became whole. I am not pushing religion in any way on you... I am simply stating that you have to find your souce of inspiration and hope, and hang on to that like never before.

Also, please keep in mind that every move you make, your children are learning how love should look and feel. Let's not allow history to continue to repeat itself.

Much love,

Z. Glass
Author of:
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find or Keep a Man"
"25 Reasons Why You Can't Find of Keep a Woman"

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 24, 2009 4:39:53 PM PST
[Deleted by the author on Feb 24, 2009 4:46:56 PM PST]

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 24, 2009 4:44:42 PM PST
New Dancer says:
Nicholas

read "Don't get married unless" by Johan Freud MD - what your wife did is the most common reason for divorce - before you look for another partner you need to find out what you realy want and need -

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 24, 2009 5:09:05 PM PST
Yvonne says:
Will do... Thanks!

Z. Glass
Author

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2009 12:16:33 PM PST
Zenja, perhaps you're looking at this the wrong way. Instead of being critical for these men's responses, be happy they were honest with you so you could avoid making a big mistake...or two...or three. Unless they were real boors, chalk it up as another educational experience and keep moving forward.

Posted on Mar 3, 2009 6:36:47 PM PST
ladies you got to train your man to BE good.
if you have a son, raise him and teach him how to respect woman.
if you have a daddy respect him , especially if he's a good father
when you date a man don't tolerate behavior that is unacceptable. walk away if you are unhappy or unsatisfied. Let him know honestly what your needs are and what you like and don't disrespect him or do foolishness like try to make him jealous or trap him or play games or withhold sex. and don't let him disrespect either.

good men are not born, they are made! if he's not treating you good and you stay with him that's not his fault. it's yours.

and lastly there are a lot of "no good" women too. there are a lot of people, men and women, who think it's cute to lie, cheat, misbehave, hit each other, bring unnecessary drama into relationships. people just need to learn to treat each other properly and stop with the BS.

Posted on Apr 27, 2009 11:41:20 AM PDT
Many women are looking for the wrong things. Between community and cultural pressures many women have grown up with drastically unrealistic expectations. Little girls are indoctrinated to believe that a prince will ride by on a white horse and whisk them away for a life of happily ever after. Unfortunatley there is a whole lot of life after meeting someone and no mention of the hard work required to develop and maintain a successful relationship is made.

Too much focus is placed on the wedding ceremony in which she can be the center of attention as the "princess for a day" and hardly any preparation is made for that loooong time of "until death do us part".

I'm not blaming women for this. Not at all. I think it is a cultural problem that we continue to perpetrate through the toys, games, movies, television shows and literature we expose our children too.

None of us are perfect and men overall are probably even farther down the scale. The successful relationship must be a partnership. This partnership has to be built on a strong, solid foundation with a comprehensive plan for long-term success. Sure, this sounds more like a business plan than anything romantic, but modern times require that we take all this into consideration.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that thinks are so rosy and simple for men either. You are not alone in trying to traverse this challenging maze our culture has created. Have a look (and laugh) at one man's hilarious adventures by reading the book "Relationslips" available on Amazon or through https://www.RelationslipsBook.com

In reply to an earlier post on Apr 30, 2009 7:01:42 PM PDT
Yvonne says:
Are you sure you are not my best friend disguising herself as someone else? You sound just like her. You hit it on the head. I was just telling a friend the other day to open her eyes and decide if she is simply settling to have a man, or if he truly is for her. They both are "successful" from a worldly point of view; however, she has been dating him for only a few weeks, and he has already asked her to "borrow" money twice. Can someone say WARNING???

Posted on May 26, 2009 2:44:31 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 26, 2009 2:47:30 PM PDT
MJ Acharya says:
I really think it's also about where you hang out. If you're in a bar all the time, chances are that you may meet someone - but it may also mean that the only thing you have in common is that you like to go out with your friends, drink, dance and have a good time.

I moved to a new town recently and I joined the chapter of my alumni association (college) here. I ended up joining the social committee and helped get the attendance of all our events up about 400%. I had to interface with everyone because I was in charge of a lot of the events. It was great because I met a lot of people that went to my same college, understood my background and had a lot in common with me. That was a great start to making new friends. So - join the local chapter of your college alumni organization (they are undoubtedly listed online) and start going to events!

I also volunteer and have met some really interesting people doing so. A lot of people who are going for their master's degrees volunteer so they can add it to their resume and a lot of business-minded people do it "just because." But generally if you meet someone while volunteering, you're meeting someone who doesn't mind helping others, which is a great quality.

A good friend of mine joined a bookclub because someone told her it would be good to make new friends and meet men. She thought it was silly, but she did it anyway and ended up meeting a guy who was recently divorced and didn't know what to do with his time now that he didn't have his children full time. They met and have fallen in love and are now engaged.

I took another friend of mine to a basketball game (she only went because I had an extra ticket - she doesn't like sports) and she met a random guy at halftime. They were married 5 months later. (Yes, I was really jealous!).

So there are good people. You just have to keep your eyes open (as someone else said) and keep your heart open. He'll come along when he comes along.

Best to all of you!
MJ Acharya - author of The Breakup Workbook
www.brokenheartedgirl.com

In reply to an earlier post on May 26, 2009 4:29:37 PM PDT
Yvonne says:
MJ, you wrote: "But generally if you meet someone while volunteering, you're meeting someone who doesn't mind helping others, which is a great quality." EXCELLENT POINT! I also agree with the comment you made about keeping your heart open. Sometimes, the very person we think we need is not the person we need in our lives at all.

I will also recommend your book to my friends.

Smiling at you,

Z. Glass,
Author

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 8, 2010 12:05:28 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Mar 8, 2010 12:06:19 PM PST
Mary:
Sounds like a "sex thing/issue".

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 9, 2010 1:28:12 PM PST
Rich Stoehr says:
"Isn't marriage supposed to be two people, all in, creating a new and stronger entity?"

Yes, and no. A marriage is two people coming together to share a life together, but they are still individuals and will still have individual needs, wants, beliefs, and habits. A good relationship will find respect and even enjoyment in this. Relationships where one or both parties expect the individual to be subsumed in the whole are (in my mind) destined for failure.

My soon-to-be ex-wife often talked about our marriage as a third entity that had needs to be fed and nurtured. That's not a bad way of looking at it in itself, but somewhere along the way she forgot that I was a person too, and to be honest, eventually, out of resentment and desperation, I forgot that about her too. Our marriage died as result.

It's not hard to find a good man, or a good woman. There are excellent examples of both out there, and plenty of them! Speaking for myself, there are lots of women I respect and like for being great moms, skilled artists, smart businesswomen, or just fun to be around. Would I want to marry or be in an intimate relationship with all of them, or even most of them? Not on your life!

Even my soon-to-be-ex is, by many accounts, a good woman. And I think I am also a good man, by most accounts. But we are not good for each other - a truth that caused us both a lot of pain and heartache to uncover.

The trick to finding a "good" man or woman is to figure out what makes them good FOR YOU.

Everyone has expectations, even if they don't admit to it. What are yours? And who fits with them best? The person who fits them best is YOUR "good man" or "good woman."

There is nothing wrong with having expectations. The smartest thing you can do is to figure out what you expect from a loving, intimate relationship, and then go out and find someone who meets (maybe even exceeds) those expectations. And that's when you're truly ready to share your life and create something really special.

It took me half my life to learn this lesson. Even so, I feel glad that I did. Finally.
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Initial post:  Jul 7, 2007
Latest post:  Dec 13, 2010

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