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Initial post: Feb 28, 2008 6:01:41 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 28, 2008 6:02:29 PM PST
DawnFire says:
We've got letters...how about newspaper and magazine articles? I mean, I can't see Rita Skeeter keeping quiet for long about anything remotely newsworthy, and I'm sure that more trustworthy reporters may have something to report.
*****************
Harry Potter marries into Weasley family
Best friend Ronald marries Harry's former girlfriend Hermione Granger
By Rita Skeeter

It may come as a surprise to those of us who read angrily about Hermione Granger's cheating on poor Harry Potter with Viktor Krum (International Quidditch Player, Bulgarian Team) that she is going to marry someone neither famous nor wealthy. Ronald Weasely, though admittedly an average Quidditch player, simply doesn't have the standing of Potter or Krum. It is a mystery as to why Ms. Granger's taste for famous wizards has run out; perhaps Mr. Weasely has taken it in turn to concoct a love potion of his own.
Mr. Potter, meanwhile, does not seem at all sad; he is currently getting ready to celebrate his upcoming marriage to Mr. Weasely's little sister, Ginevra Weasely. This match has probably come about due to their shared interest in playing Quidditch.
The date for these weddings has yet to be set; however, it is planned for sometime during the summer, and is to be a double wedding. It seems that for once Weasely will share Potter's spotlight.
Interviews for this article were declined.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 28, 2008 7:45:58 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 28, 2008 7:47:20 PM PST
Daily Prophet
Delores Umbridge Being Treated In St. Mungo's

Delores Umbridge, former assistant to Cornelius Fudge and former teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry has been admitted to St. Mungo's with a serious infection in her hand. She claims that any time she tries to use a quill, the infection and irritation gets worse. She claims that Harry Potter is the one who cursed her quills. A spokesman for St. Mungo's, speaking in strictest anonymity, says that Ms. Umbridge has clearly been suffering from delusions since an earlier problem occurred a few years back when she wandered into the Hogwarts forest alone and had an unfortunate discussion with the centaurs there.

Mr. Potter has replied that he has not personally seen Ms. Umbridge since shortly before the fall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Ms. Umbridge is known to have used specially designed pens in the past, and Mr. Potter, in his opinion, thinks she may have confused normal quills with these of the newer design. Harry Potter, known for his bravery in the Tri-Wizard Tournament and in his battles with You-know-who, still carries the marks he says came to him through the quills owned by Professor Umbridge.

We will (hem-hem) keep everyone informed about Professor Umbridge's condition.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 5:36:57 PM PST
Page VI
Romance Blossoms at Saint Mungo's!

An unnamed source at St. Mungo's Hospital has confided that two patients, formerly professors at the prestigious Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry, are, as they say, "an item".

Gilderoy Lockhart, former Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts and best-selling author of a series of books, has been spending a great deal of time with new patient Deloresws Umbridge, who curiously enough held the same position at Hogwarts. They are frequently seen conversing together, and Mr. Lockhart, whose penmanship is above reproach, graciously handles all of Miss Umbridge's correspondence. She, in turn, keeps him tidy and organizes the small but steady stream of fan mail that he continues to receive.

Some staff members scoff at the idea of a romance. "She's nearly old enough to be his mum - and I think he thinks she IS his mum!" said one. But others are encouraged that the sometimes-difficult Umbridge has only had 2 disagreements with Lockhart. There was an unsettling incident when she became hysterical. Unaware of her history, Lockhart had tried to serenade her with "All the Pretty Little Horses". And they have a continual disagreement over the relative merits of pink versus lilac. But still, it's heartwarming to find that two such people have found some solace in each other.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 5:56:08 PM PST
Joined-up letters leading to joined-up hands? What a perfect couple! Equally self-absorbed.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 9:23:46 PM PST
Vermis, I think that's what is known as a "broadside." I won't be able to top that even if I stop snickering.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 1, 2008 5:21:02 AM PST
DawnFire says:
This is so funny! Lockhart and Umbridge--perfect couple!

The Quibbler
Rita Skeeter Recieves Howler
Harry Potter and friends very angry
By Dean Thomas

Two days ago, journalist Rita Skeeter, well known for her nasty articles, recieved a Howler that screamed so loudly that every wizard in England seems to have heard it, although, curiously, no Muggles did. Hermione Granger, soon to be Hermione Weasley (Congratulations, Hermione!) said that she had been working on a new kind of Howler, and that "this was the perfect opportunity to try it out. So I asked Harry, Ron and Ginny--"
"And we agreed, of course," says Harry Potter. "After reading all those lies she wrote about Dumbledore, we weren't feeling that kindly towards her." He exchanges a grin with Ron Weasely.
"Understated," says Ron, who is holding hands with his intended, Hermione. "We were about mad enough to send her a curse--maybe an Unforgivable one--"
"Don't talk nonsense, Ron," says Hermione, "even Harry couldn't get away with that."
"Fine," says Ron. "How about a dragon?"
We leave Ron and Hermione to their bickering, and turn back to Harry and his own intended, Ginny Weasely, who has just walked into the room.
"I didn't just walk in," says Ginny, "I've been here for ages."
Sorry, Ginny, I didn't see you.
"Maybe you didn't look properly," says Ginny, and she and Harry look at each other and burst out laughing.
What's the joke?
"I've been trying out a new spell of Hermione's," Ginny tells me, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes as she leans on Harry's chair. "You couldn't see me if you tried, it's a sort of Invisibility Cloak and Disillusionment--"
"Ginny!" says Hermione, turning from her argument.
"Forget I said all that," says Ginny hurriedly, "I forgot I wasn't supposed to talk about that. Hermione's keeping it secret until she's finished."
"Anyway," says Hermione, rather pink in the face, "Dean, weren't you interviewing us about that Howler?"
Of course, Hermione, I just got a bit sidetracked. So the new kind of Howler--?
"Well," says Hermione, smiling, "you can adjust the volume--for instance, you can have it whisper, or you can have it scream really really loudly--more than an ordinary one--but this one is special because you can set it so that a certain number of people will hear it--but only those people. So, for instance, I could send a message to Ron, but his mum and George wouldn't hear--"
"Which would be a good thing," interrupts Ron, "because I--"
"I'm talking, Ron," says Hermione. "So if you could--"
So, I say hurriedly, before this turns into another argument, you could set it so that every wizard and witch in England hears it but the Muggles don't?
Everything is starting to make sense now.
"Exactly," says Hermione. "So we all recorded a message--"
"It was really fun," puts in Ginny. "We've all been itching to yell at her ever since the Triwizard Tournament when she wrote lies about Harry--and Hermione as well--and then she nearly ruined Hagrid's life--and then she wrote so many lies about Dumbledore--well, we had a lot to say to her."
So I heard.
I have to end this article before it gets too long to print, so I'll give you all my congratulations--
"Thank you, Dean!"
"Thanks!"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Thanks, Dean--we'll invite you to the wedding, Rita actually got it right that we'll be having it in the summer as a double wedding--see you then!"
Thanks, I'll be there!
A transcription of the Howler's contents will most likely follow in next week's edition.
And congratulations again to Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 1, 2008 6:36:55 PM PST
My take on what might be in the Daily Prophet right after the battle. Debriefing would have been a nightmare. More a journalist's type of writing though, not just a daily hack.

HOGWARTS MOURNS FALLEN STUDENTS AND STAFF; MINISTRY LAUDS VALOR. Hogsmeade. In a service this morning reminiscent of one almost a year ago, the students and staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry gathered in the open air to take final leave of their own. As before, seemingly every member of Great Britain's magical community who could arrange to do so made his or her way to Hogsmeade, where the citizens outdid their efforts of last June to feed and house everyone they could. Many old students and relatives of current Hogwarts pupils had been accommodated at the castle itself since the great battle two nights before, despite the damage done in the fighting.

These were the people to whom words of sorrow and comfort, loss and praise were addressed. Even a week ago many of them would not have been openly called "people," for scattered among the crowd were the Hogwarts house elves, and at the edges stood a giant and many representatives of the Centaurs who call the Forbidden Forest their home; two of their number supported Professor Firenze, who insisted upon attending although able to stand only upon three legs. The merfolk of the lake also rose, their singing enhancing the mood of the occasion.

The only formal eulogy was given by Slytherin's Professor Slughorn, who spoke of the courage of Headmaster Severus Snape, including mysterious references to the battle for which no complete account yet exists. The other three Heads of House then joined in reading a roll of Hogwarts' deceased, citing the circumstances of their deaths if known, and soliciting responses from the assembly for those not known. In this way nearly a quarter of the dead finally had their stories completed, amid the tears of both participants and spectators. Afterward the Heads of Houses expressed their sorrow for lives cut short and families torn asunder, and the boundless pride felt alike for the students who stayed to fight (or who wished to stay) and for their families and friends and the village of Hogsmeade who turned out at dawn yesterday to come to the aid of the school. A respectful address of gratitude was accorded to the Centaurs, who accepted with great dignity; and thanks were given to the House Elves, who cheered in response.

Last to speak was the new Minister of Magic pro tem Kingsley Shacklebolt. He also spoke only briefly; however, he addressed not only the school and the village but also the crowd at large, exhorting them never to forget the terrible price paid in pain and blood for the defeat of the greatest Dark wizard ever known. He finished with an official announcement, revealing the appointment of Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher and head of Gryffindor House, to the post of Headmistress of Hogwarts.

Conspicuously absent from the speeches were any but fleeting references to the Boy Who Lived, although Harry Potter was present along with many others who had been unable to attend Hogwarts while it was under the control of He- Who- Must- Not- Be- Named. While the Minister himself has confirmed that the Dark Lord fell at Potter's hands, the only detail he has provided is that Potter did not employ any Unforgivable Curse to defeat You- Know- Who.
However, Mr. Potter had time to answer a brief question before being called away. When asked about his near- absence from the proceedings, he simply replied, "This wasn't about me, or Voldemort. This was for all of us who fought a battle the night before last, because we all lost friends or family or teachers. As you heard, we still don't know a lot of what happened." At that point a meeting for all students was announced and he excused himself in order to attend.

Guests were free to wander the grounds and certain public areas of the castle, a privilege seldom permitted. Two rooms in particular were closed off near the entry hall: one large classroom used as a morgue, its door draped in black with the Hogwarts banner over all, and offerings of flowers, photographs, trinkets, and cards piled along the hallway; and a small office, simply roped off but guarded by one student and one adult, wherein lay the corpse of Voldemort himself. The dead among his followers had already been removed, either by relations or by the Ministry to Hogsmeade for local burials to be completed over the next few days.

The castle itself was heavily damaged, although still habitable. The main staircase from the entrance hall has been shored up, its railing demolished in places; the Great Hall bears the marks of duels-- melted pavement, broken windows, chipped stonework and scorch marks. Classrooms and corridors are now open to the air. From the outside, it appears a wonder that the Astronomy and North towers have not toppled, and holes gape at the sky from every wall.

Around the grounds, a great deal of hard work will be needed to put things right. Two huge mounds now mark the spots where the Dark Lord's giants were buried just as they fell.... (continued on page 4)

--I remember that JKR says that McGonagall doesn't become Headmistress, but I think she'd be the best choice for the remainder of that year and maybe the next; no longer though. JKR is right to say she'd be getting a little old for it, but she has been Deputy all these years.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 2, 2008 3:19:04 PM PST
DawnFire says:
Do you know who does become Head of Hogwarts? And Minister for Magic?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 2, 2008 10:06:29 PM PST
DawnFire-- I only remember that JKR said that McGonagall doesn't, in an interview I read somewhere; I don't remember reading about the Minister's position, but I'd go with Kingsley when elections rolled around. (If that's what happens. I wonder if the Wizengamot doesn't choose instead of the magical populace; something in the language when Hagrid is explaining about Fudge in Book 1, and that Dumbledore is *offered* the post rather than running, er, standing for it.)

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2008 3:34:38 PM PST
DawnFire says:
Thanx, yeah, but in hbp wait, teh muggle minister thinks taht. but if the wizarding community can sack fudge, they could probably vote for scrimgeour. though why anyone would vote for fudge...maybe one of the other candidates was Umbridge or bagman, or someone even more (insert word of choice) than fudge.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2008 7:19:50 PM PST
Moon -

FABULOUS!!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2008 7:28:22 PM PST
Ya know, Moon, we've all been longing for a missing chapter. I think we just got it from you. I haven't been this close to tears since Fred died. Even replying makes me feel the goosebumps again. Bravo!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2008 10:13:46 PM PST
gee, i'm blushing... I wrote that months ago. There's a lot more....

DawnFire: I also remember River telling Royal that Royal had River's vote for Minister, on Potterwatch. So there must be a popular vote of some sort. I know the parliamentary system is a little different than the US constitution's method, but I forget the particulars.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 4, 2008 4:53:05 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Mar 6, 2008 10:50:32 AM PST
It may also be that becoming Minister of Magic is a different process than becoming Prime Minister.

MSM, if there's more, let's see it!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 5, 2008 5:35:12 PM PST
Agreed - they don't seem to have elections in the wizarding world, or even a set government. The Ministry of Magic sort of runs things, but I don't know how people are appointed to be in charge, unless it's through the Wizengamot.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 6, 2008 3:42:51 PM PST
DawnFire says:
In which case the voting wouldn't be completely fair--and it wouldn't total with what information we're given about it.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 6, 2008 5:31:35 PM PST
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

The Wizard Broadcasting Network has announced additions and changes to their new spring lineup.

Molly Weasley's very popular cooking show will continue. But due to the increasing commitment required of her by her ever-increasing brood of grandchildren, she will only do 2 shows a week, instead of 4. Plans for her assistant Kreacher's spin-off show have been indefinitely postponed. There seems to be limited interest, except from other house elves, in a show devoted to the care and polishing of copper cookware.

Another member of the Weasley family will be making his debut. Arthur Weasley will host "Those Amazing Muggles", an addition to the increasingly popular alternate-reality genre. Each week, Mister Weasley will present several examples of Muggle technology, and demstrate how they help magically-deficient people cope with life. Two notable Muggle-borns, Hermione Granger-Weasley and Seamus Finnegan, will serve as technical consultants.

And finally, a new show, "Magic Threads", will be premiering. It will feature the best methods for magical spinning, weaving, and knitting. The host will be none other than Mrs. Weasley's old instructor, the redoubtable Arachne Thumbgusset.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 6, 2008 7:21:21 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Mar 6, 2008 7:25:59 PM PST
Vermis-- love the name, Arachne Thumbgusset... is this on BBC or is there a WBC?

DawnFire-- if the members of the Wizengamot are elected and then choose the Minister, it wouldn't necessarily be unfair or un- democratic. But since they tossed Dumbledore out, the Wizengamot sounds more autocratic.

Alan-- be careful what you wish for, it's at about fifty pages and counting (in MS Word.) And just because *I* like it doesn't mean it won't be boring. I might try posting it as a fanfic somewhere; maybe my sister can oblige after her next convention....

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 7, 2008 8:55:50 AM PST
MSM,
Hey, I'm suffering withdrawal from HP syndrome, so, if your news posting is any indication, it might just be fabulous . . . at least to me.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 7, 2008 6:02:33 PM PST
Moon - pretty proud of the name myself. :-) Incredibly, once I thought of Thumbgusset (guess what I've gotten back into lately), I had to ponder for awhile before I came up with Arachne - and it's the only logical choice.

Anyway, think I might use the name on some knitting blogs, or something....

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 11, 2008 6:46:18 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on Mar 11, 2008 1:30:50 PM PDT
DAILY PROPHET - Tuesday
Rita Skeeter bi-line -----
Msrs. George Weasley and Ronald Weasley, owners of one of the fastest growing chains of wizard joke shoppes in the world, have announced that Theodore Lupin, known to his friends as Teddy, has joined their staff as an innovative inventor of new pastilles and ointments. "His Skele-Glow Balm not only helps skin chapped from cold wind and weather, but it is great for Halloween," says George Weasley. He also went on to say that some of Teddy's ideas have rivaled the invention of the late Fred Weasley, George's twin brother. The Weasley brothers have also announced a new Fred Weasley Memorial Tournament, in which first prize will be given to the best new product invented specifically for their joke shoppe. The prize is one third of the royalties for the first five years.

The joke shoppe also has new distribution in the Fogger Applegate Academy of Wizarding and Witchcraft in the United States. That school is currently working on an exchange program with Hogwarts, but Hogwarts headmaster Harry Potter wants to make certain of their academic and magical credentials before the program is finalized.

Now, the most important item for the day is that Hermione Weasley (nee Granger), wife of the above mentioned Mr. Ronald Weasley, was recently spotted in Gringotts with multi-coloured hair. When questioned about it, she insisted it was an experiment with a new hair style for her. "Lots of people die their hair odd colors, so I thought I'd try this combination." Hot pink, orange and lime? This reporter would certainly agree that some experimentation is necessary to perk up her otherwise drab look, but this reporter fears that Mrs. Weasley, who is always experimenting with new spells, actually had a spell that backfired with horrible results.

Till Thursday, this is Rita Skeeter.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 13, 2008 2:33:45 PM PDT
DawnFire says:
well its thursday, I don't see her.

Rita Skeeter Irreliable, Daily Prophet Complains
Rita Skeeter, well-known journalist of what have been called "enchantingly nasty" quill portraits, has once again failed to meet her deadline. This dates back from the end of last week, when she was sent to Azkaban to interview Dolores Umbridge on how she came to be there.
We asked Minister Shacklebolt for information regarding this, as he was the one who suggested this piece. He sent us to Hermione Weasley, Head of the Department for Magical Law Inforcement.
"Well, of course, she's been arrested," Ms. Weasley said impatiently. "She's been doing awful things for years...so we sent her to join Umbridge for a year or so."
Quite shocked, we asked what sort of awful things she could possibly have done.
"Well, she's an illegal Animagus, for one," replied Hermione. "She's been taking the form of a beetle for years and spying on people, it's how she got so much on Harry in fourth year. I told her that if she were to ever write anything nasty about me or Harry again, I'd get her sent to Azkaban for being an illegal Animagus. And she wrote awful things, so I told Minister Shacklebolt, and he gave me permission to arrest her. Excuse me, I'm late for a meeting, I have to investigate Mundungus Fletcher."
And what is Rita's opinion on this? Check next week's edition of Witch Weekly to find out Rita's side of the story!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 15, 2008 9:22:09 PM PDT
Alan-- Since you were so kind as to express an interest, I posted the first two chapters on fanfiction.net (the initial registration takes several days, hence the delay.) Search for "Moon Shadow Magic" as author, or for the title "Aftermath" under books>Harry Potter. It was posted today, 3/15, which also narrows the field. I'm currently on chapter 3 or 4, depends where I break things apart.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 18, 2008 7:29:53 AM PDT
Rita Skeeter Replies to Her Incarceration
After some concern from the Daily Prophet, we have finally received news directly from Rita Skeeter herself. She had read our article concerning her arrest and imprisonment. Her assignment had been to interview Miss Delores Jane Umbridge in Azkaban prison. Her subsequent detention is, Ms. Skeeter maintains, an unfortunate misunderstanding. (From our investigations, it doesn't seem quite so much a misunderstanding as a vendetta carried out by Mrs. Weasley.) Rita's report follows at last:

Rita Skeeter: Miss Umbridge, why exactly have you been sent to Azkaban prison?
Delores: I think I've been put here because some people want to get even with me for disciplinary actions I imposed in the past.
Rita: Who were those actions against?
Delores: I would prefer not to say. You see I've been hexed with a Hexus Confutis which makes any attempt to mention the exact background of those actions come out garbled.
Rita: But you can surely tell Rita Skeeter!
Delores: Well, if you insist. It concerns actions I koot agin Porry Hatter with jamical slicks that cut into his dans.
Rita: I beg your pardon.
Delores: I punished Hatty Poorer with gizmo slicks. Oooooh! Ask another question.
Rita: I'll ask one little question. What are slicks?
Delores (speaking very slowly): Quills!
Rita: Oh. What about the rumors that you had a run-in with Centaurs?
Delores: That is no rumor. I had to spend time in St. Mungo's to get rid of my fear of those half-breeds and the sounds of their hooves.
Rita: Is it true that you struck up a friendship in St. Mungo's with Gilderoy Lockhart?
Delores: I certainly met Mr. Lockhart, and he is a charming man. But every time I met with him, it was like he had no idea who I was. No matter how I tried to keep a friendship going, it was futile. You know of course that Gilderoy Lockhart's loss of memory is directly retailed to Harpy Otter, that oxnobbious gunny map - er, uh, onbroxious young man. Oh, Merlin's beard, you know what I mean.
Rita: Thank you, Delores Umbridge, for this lovely interview.
And readers, be advised that I have no idea what the heck she was saying.
My next interview, I hope, will be with Lucius Malfoy, who leaves soon to return to his home.

Ms. Skeeter quietly smuggled this report to us by way not of an owl but of an eagle. She is afraid to try escape by means of turning into a beetle. Miss Umbridge, she informs us, hates bugs and stomps on any she sees. We must hope for a quick resolution to this quandary. According to Mrs. Weasley, "I don't think you should expect to see Rita Skeeter reporting on a regular basis very soon."

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 18, 2008 7:32:17 AM PDT
Dave Jeffery says:
Hi Alan - LOL at this. Good stuff.

Dave
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Initial post:  Feb 28, 2008
Latest post:  Nov 22, 2014

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