I badly need some help.
Here is the background:
This stated by or before 2nd grade.
After winter break I started to hibernate... involuntarily.
I feel 'stuck' mentally.
I'm physically EXHAUSTED.
I feel sick or achy.
My energy, motivation, and work ethic plummets to basically zero.
I don't want to go outside.
I don't want to see my friends.
I don't want to work OR have fun.
At some point in April or May I realize that I'm okay again.
In grade school, I would get A's the 1st semester and C's or D's the 2nd. This was consistent every year.
In college, I would have stellar a Fall semester and register for Spring semester with confidence. But as Jan and Feb wore on I would lose all interest and motivation, stop going to class, sleep for most the day, and end up withdrawing.
In my most productive Spring semester I was able to do a pod-casted science class (from home) with a on campus lab that met once a week.
Just for context, I had 3.85 GPA. and was first in my department. In Summer and Fall I was Superwoman.
As far as employment, I am able to work a few in the Spring for a hours a week, but eventually I always get to tired and give up.
My mom had a battery of tests run on my every spring from when I was 9 or so to 18. She was always sure I had mono or lyme disease or something. Nothing showed up.
I was eventually diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
I brought the $300 light therapy boxes. Didn't work.
I've read many many many self help books on topic.
I've tried to work out, be positive, etc.
I even tried literally every depression medication on the market a few years back. Only one helped a tiny bit, but the side effects voided any benefit. The rest were awful and made me a crazy zombie.
(I also have anxiety, if that means anything.)
Now I'm in grad school and its going to take me forever to finish because I'm missing 1/3 of the semesters.
I'm studying clinical psychology (ironic- I know) and hope to have a private practice.
What really worries me is that it seems the depression is getting worse as I get older.
I am so afraid of how my career and life will be affected.
How can I provide for myself and my family?
I'm not sure I can even function as an individual without the continuous help of a parent, sibling, or partner during those month.
Am I only going to be really living for 1/4 of my life?
I'm so over it.
I'm a smart, passionate, hard-working, and attractive 20-something woman, and I am sick to death of having this out-of order' sign around my neck.
I'd appreciate any advice,
EXCEPT "Just get up and do it!"
I'm not lazy and I am fighting as hard as I can.
Do any of you have any experience with this?
Is there anything else I should try?
Does this happen to any of you as well?
Could it be something other SAD, hopefully something treatable?
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