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Customer Discussions > Mother's Day forum

Dealing with the death of a child

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Showing 1-25 of 42 posts in this discussion
Initial post: May 6, 2012 5:50:29 PM PDT
Marilyn says:
On April 6th of this year my daughter passed away at the age of 12. I have having a very hard time adjusting to the loss of my purpose in this world. Some days all I can say when someone says "How are you doing" my answer is I'm doing the best I can. Can anyone help me. Marilyn

In reply to an earlier post on May 6, 2012 6:06:02 PM PDT
Hi Marilyn I lost my 22 year old daughter almost 3 months ago. When someone asked me if I am doing ok I say no because I am not ok. This is the most horrible road we are traveling now. This has changed our live forever. It's ok to tell anyone you are not ok if they asked and cry whenever you have to cry. I don't know if you work or have a career. I am a nurse and it does help working because every waking minute I think about my angel. Do what you have to do because people don't know how we feel if they haven't been through the loss of a child.

In reply to an earlier post on May 6, 2012 6:06:54 PM PDT
[Deleted by the author on May 6, 2012 6:07:13 PM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on May 6, 2012 6:07:20 PM PDT
Hi Marilyn I lost my 22 year old daughter almost 3 months ago. When someone asked me if I am doing ok I say no because I am not ok. This is the most horrible road we are traveling now. This has changed our live forever. It's ok to tell anyone you are not ok if they asked and cry whenever you have to cry. I don't know if you work or have a career. I am a nurse and it does help working because every waking minute I think about my angel. Do what you have to do because people don't know how we feel if they haven't been through the loss of a child.

In reply to an earlier post on May 6, 2012 6:53:12 PM PDT
Y. Li says:
Hi, Marilyn. I lost my father 3.5 years ago. While it is not the same as losing a child, it was a life change experience that my mother and I both had to overcome. And Father's day is never the same. Please do allow yourself the time to grief. You need that and do get the support from your family and friends. I hope time will help you ease your pain and find peace. These days, my mother and I often talk about dad, but in a fondly way. We know that he is always in our hearts even though he is not with us.

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 1:59:09 AM PDT
Hi Marilyn and hello Debra,you folks of course do not know me.My name is Bob and I live in Florida.I think anyone who has read your post about your loss' ladies,is profoundly sad and my heart goes out to you.
I don't think there is anything anyone could say to make you feel better.I hope you consider somesort of therapy,at least I would.One may need ideas on how to deal with such a catastrophic loss,and how
to hold on.To learn how to function in the face of terrible adversity.
Please consider asking yourself,if your loved one that passed,could be here to address you,what would they tell you to do to hang on?
Don't give up.One must grieve and feel the pain,as sad as it is.
Bless you ladies and do take care.

Posted on May 7, 2012 6:43:19 AM PDT
Kathy says:
I lost my son from Sudden Infant Death 28 years ago. As you know it was a horrible time in our life. As the years pass I always wonder, I still cry, but I look at what is around me and thank God for all my blessings. I have four living sons who have been the light of my life. They are starting to have children which is both wonderful and scarey to me.
I worry they would ever have to go through what we did. It makes the memories fresh seeing little ones, I see how happy they are and remember when we were their age. I think WOW how did we do it? You will also do it but will never forget. The hurt will become less on most days, the crying will stop on most days, but the wondering will always be there. Love and embrace your family, surrond yourself with loving people, in time you will love your life. My heart feels for you. Kathy C. Nashua, NH

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 9:20:18 AM PDT
A. Volmer says:
Hello Marilyn,
My son died five years ago from complications after open heart surgery, five days before his fifteenth birthday. I am not the same person I was before that, and I can tell you that even though some days are so close to that abyss of lonliness- other days are fine (eventually). Your life will change, but as it does you have to accept it and drive it in a positive direction. If your friends stop calling you because they have children your daughters age and it is too weird for them, find new friends- do not stop. I struggled for purpose as you do and only picked myself up after I started writing, took up gardening and yoga, went back to finally finish my college degree, and (even though some people have a problem with it) I even had another child. Not to replace him, but to touch that amazing purpose again. None of this made losing him any easier, but it has kept me connected to the real world so the grief does not swallow me whole. Just do what you can. Every day. About other people asking if you are okay, they ask because they truly care, but they also dread the answer. Grief is hard for other people to handle, and in my opinion it is okay to lie and say you are okay. The only person you need to answer honestly is yourself and adjust your life accordingly. You can do this and you are not alone.

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 10:18:24 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 7, 2012 10:22:38 AM PDT
I don't want to get all in your business on a public forum so don't answer this question here but, is your daughter's father a part of your life?

If so, I am certain that he knows exactly how you feel but because he is feeling it too.

Can you both lean on each other? He might have been conditioned by society to mask his feelings so you might have to make the first move but if you do, you will probably find a wealth of comfort from him. Please do not overlook him as resource. He might be bottling up the exact emotions that you are feeling right now.

If you are religious (and even if you are not) maybe you can speak with your (a) pastor and ask about starting a support group if one does not already exist in your community.

If your spirits permit, could you start a scholarship or foundation in your daughter's name and create something that would make you both smile in her memory?

Losing a child is so difficult. There really isn't much that anyone can say that will ease yoru pain. In fact, have you even noticed that there is not even a word for your loss? When you lose a spouse you are a widow(er), when you lose your parents, you are an orphan, but English does not even have a term for the grief that you are feeling.....and only those that have been there can truly understand the depths of your grief. If you go back to school and get the correct credentials, you would be in a unique position to assist other parents who have found themselves in the same situation.

As you have found out yourself, even the very best of friends can only assist you so much without having traveled down this path. Imagine how awesome it would be RIGHT NOW if you could call someone who INSTANTLY knew what you felt without more than a few words being said. You can be that light for someone else!

If that support group isn't a viable option in your town, why not make a website in your daughter's memory and make it a place where other parents can go and find solace.

SUre there are different issues, but one of the things that made John Walsh such a sucess is that he turned his personal tragedy into a passion for helping others avoid what he went thru. He has stated often that THIS (America's Most Wanted) was his therapy.

If you find distractions (on any scale) that can honor your daughter's memory, you will find your new purpose!
Please hang in there and feel free to post back and tell us all about your beautiful daughter.

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 11:12:14 AM PDT
Marilyn says:
Thank you Twofingers. I think that I was hit with a triple threat. I lost my child-my job-and my boyfriend in the same day. She was my foster childish got her when she was a year and eleven months old and had her for the next ten years I promised her on the day I got her that noons will ever hurt her again and kept my promise on a daily basis. I'm trying getget with another agency to get another princess diva. Thanksgiving all of you for your kindness. Marilyn

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 12:00:36 PM PDT
I am sure that you are still in the midst of grief so I hate to nitpick here, but I did not read a triple loss-

but if you think that the loss of your job was related to your child's health issues, (you don't have to confirm or deny here), maybe you can talk with a lawyer about a possible suit regarding wrongful termination. It sounds like (at the very least) they really lacked compassion by terminating you during your daughter's illness.

If anyone is keeping score, that is two in one day-
and it is way more than enough for any one person in a life time let alone a day however
I missed the third -
As for your ex-boyfriend, I am sure that it wasn't long before you figured out that you are much better off without him.
He actually had poor timing but he did you a huge favor! Only a jerk would leave you ON such a horrible day.

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 4:05:56 PM PDT
There is a set of booklets called, "Journeying Through Grief" put out by Stephen's Ministry. When my son was killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 20, these booklets saved my life. In my prayers, Rose

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 4:53:11 PM PDT
Marilyn says:
When you foster through an agency; not DFCS the rules are different but what got me was to get this letter the day I returned home after her death. I'm one of those people who identifies myself with not only who I AM but what I do now I am just so empty and useless. It's all to much but I believe things will work out in the end; This is just too new and raw.Marilyn

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 4:56:26 PM PDT
Marilyn says:
Thank you Rose. I'll look for them.Are they on kindle? Marilyn

In reply to an earlier post on May 7, 2012 6:48:03 PM PDT
I am sure that you FEEL that way but I do hope that you know that intellectually that this is NOT true!

What about fostering with another agency?
Imagine the love that you gave to your you not think that you made her last days great ones?
YOu also know that there are plenty of children who could also benefit from all of the love that you have to give. It is scary that you feel useless. THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE~

Posted on May 7, 2012 10:49:08 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 7, 2012 11:06:35 PM PDT
Sam says:
dear friend losing a loved one is hard whether it is from death, divorce, or separation all difficult in their own ways. What you have to remember is that you have all the memories of the wonderful times you had together. You were a significant part of an angel's (now in heaven) life. You made sure no one hurt her- a protector, a guider, someone who believed in her even more than many biological mothers. You are useful, you saw with your own eyes how much of a difference your love and affection for a poor girl changed her, saw her flourish and become who she is. i recommend what twofingers said that you should start a fund or something in your daughters name. Something that will help you remember cuz you will never forget her, or the pain will never go away, but you have to know that she will be happy when you are happy and taking care of yourself. Your daughter dearly loved you and would want you to continue, and know that you are a wonderful person. when she went to heaven as all children do go to heaven without any stops in between you know that she will tell God all about you, and how you took care of her. :) Its good that you are trying to find another person to adopt but its not necessary to foster them you can help volunteer at a local children's hospital, at a soup kitchen, at the library, as an esl aide, do some of the same good somewhere in your daughters name, help a poor child by tutoring, giving scholarships if money permits, etc. As for your boyfriend, good riddance doesn't seem like a nice guy to me! Hang on, i pray that God gives you patience in these hardtimes, and makes it easy for you. God Bless

In reply to an earlier post on May 8, 2012 7:56:52 AM PDT
Marilyn says:
Sam. Twofingers. Thank you so much for the words of comfort and encouragement. I have set up a search to foster another child through three other agencies as well as DFCS. I'm open to whatever possibilities there. I know I was blessed to have had the most wonderful love of my life and the bonus I found my purpose in this world. some people never do. Have a great day everybody.Marilyn

Posted on May 8, 2012 9:32:48 PM PDT
C. Nieves says:
Marilyn..i am so sorry for your lost. I am a single mom to a four yr and can NOT imagine the pain, hurt, emptiness you are going thru! Prayers with u.

Posted on May 9, 2012 5:00:42 AM PDT
Asuigeneris1 says:
Aren't there a great many support forums for such things? would seem Amazon would be not as therapeutic a place for a discussion as this.

Though what do I know, Amazon does tend to have thread upon thread...about many things that would seem more fitting for a therapists office.

...whatever makes you feel better, is a positive.

Personally, I can't fathom losing either of my children...though they are grown now, and off doing their own things.

...I think the general consensus, is definitely that you shouldn't outlive your children.

I hope you are able to find some peace, I'm sure that will be a lifelong journey.

...I know it would be for me.

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."

...I'm sorry that I don't know what that one word might be.

In reply to an earlier post on May 9, 2012 6:23:28 AM PDT
Marilyn says:
I don't quite know how to respond to your post. I needed help and I reachedout to people with kind open hearts with the ability. to offer just what I've received until now. So all Ican say is bless your heart.-it6

In reply to an earlier post on May 9, 2012 6:28:04 AM PDT
Marilyn says:
Thanks for your post. Be blessed in all you do with and for your family. Never forget to say I LOVE YOU often. Marilyn

Posted on May 9, 2012 7:47:19 AM PDT
J. Sieh says:
Hey Marilyn

sorry to say it doesn't stop hurting, it just gets different. I lost my son age 32, 3 years ago this June, this time of year I get lost in my own sadness but keep a strong face for others. Some days the feelings creep up without any notice or warning. The only saving grace I have is God, I know that my journey would have been far worse (if that is possible) had I not kept my faith and trust.

And Yes perhaps Amazon is not the place but I do understand when your in that hole sometimes reaching out in any format helps

In reply to an earlier post on May 9, 2012 8:12:30 AM PDT
[Deleted by the author on May 9, 2012 8:14:45 AM PDT]

Posted on May 9, 2012 12:45:19 PM PDT
1Goodogal says:
Hello Marilyn,
I lost my only child, a son, 7 years ago. It was 2 days after his 20th birthday. The loss of a child is devastating and will knock you to your knees. I too felt like I had lost all my purpose. If I did'nt have my boy what is the point? The thing that saved me was my belief in the Lord first and formost. But I also have strong support from my family and friends. I can't tell you how many times I was told" It will get better". I could never believe that. I was a diffrent person from that day on....But, it does get easier. Not better....just easier. I read the Bible and anything I could get my hands on about grief and the death of a child. That seemed to help me some. It will let you know that the things you feel are normal after such a loss. There are even stages of grief that are talked about. I pray that you have a lot of support from family or friends. I did not go to therapy or join a support group. That was just my choice. You have to find what will help you get through each day. Right now you are still "raw" from the grief.Give yourself a lot of time. It is not a quick recovery but ONE DAY, you will feel like "Hey, maybe I can go on. My life will never be the same. I will never quit missing my child, but I can still live this new life I have been given." Please don't give up. The pain will ease and after a while you will all of a sudden realize that you may have gone 5 or 10 minutes without thinking of your daughter . Maybe one day you will catch yourself smiling at something funny. Everything will come in stages and in time. Do not let anyone tell you "It's time to get over it, or its time to move on." I have never gotten "OVER" my son and nver will. I have just learned to live the best I can and I know I will see him again. I pray for you and all parents who have lost children. We are in a group that we would not want anyone else to join. You will lose parents, friends and siblings but there is no comparison to the death of your child. The Lord bless you and keep you:The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious upon thee: The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. Numbers 6:24-26.
I am so sorry, Beth

Posted on May 9, 2012 12:46:19 PM PDT
Marilyn says:
I think some people may not get my reasoning for my posts. but I did it in part because I often felt I brought my family and friends down if I talk about her too much or if I cry too muchand that's what I do when I talk. I feel at times like I still want everyone to be ok even though I may not be okay right now. So thank you to all who can and have been in my shoes. I appreciate the support from all who have responded. It's true we should never feel alone in any struggle for there are always people who've been there.Marilyn
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Discussion in:  Mother's Day forum
Participants:  21
Total posts:  42
Initial post:  May 6, 2012
Latest post:  Apr 23, 2013

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