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Are fathers as capable as mothers at raising children?


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Initial post: Nov 18, 2007 7:12:24 AM PST
Do you feel that single fathers are as capable as single mothers at raising children in a single parent home? And why?

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 18, 2007 3:33:20 PM PST
Oro Selket says:
Fathers are capable with limitations the same way mothers are capable with limatations without a father.
The natural bond that exists between the mother and child can never be substituted, as the child was a part of the mothers' body for several months.

I am a father myself and I know I am capable however I can never replace the mother.

It is a tough question, and maybe that is why I wrote my book How to Raise a Super Kid as a guide and thought stimulant to parents for fresh ideas, I say thought stimulant because nobody knows the kids better than the parents.

I hope I was able to reply to the question in a satisfactory way.

Oro Selket

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 18, 2007 6:04:20 PM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Sep 10, 2008 5:53:36 AM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 19, 2007 3:58:18 AM PST
Mark Manuel says:
I am the father of 5 healthy wonderful kids.
I used to question the ability Dads had for raising kids as single parents until I took a long hard look at the world of single parenting as a college student and as a single parent.
Granted, no father can replace a child's mother, yet fathers have an equally unique position in their kids lives as the moms do.
In either scenairo, kids of single parents will be missing some of the elements supplied by the missing parent, yet either dedicated single mom or dad can effectively raise kids.
My own children have taught me that if the emphasis of parent gender is not stressed, kids comfortably grow normally with their single parent. Granted, this is a daunting journey, yet it has proven sucessful and fun!

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 20, 2007 4:38:08 AM PST
Michelle O'G says:
Glen, I am assuming you are a father, which is why this is of importance to you....My husband due to injury raised our daughter the first 2.5 yrs of her life as he was home fulltime and I worked fulltime. He did a beautiful job with her. He has experienced things most men never experience and our daughter knows without a doubt, even at her early age of 3 that her father is here for her and always will be.
Girls look for med like "dad" wheter anyone wants to believe it or not......on the other hand boys look to be "like" someone......nothing can replace a good father, one who loves, teaches respect, one who protects and cherishes them.
I am a person who has come to believe it is best for mom to be a stay home mom, but that in no way diminishes the role of the father. Men are important and have much to offer their children. As for men being single fathers....it happens and they can do it.
Can a man do just a good of a job as a woman???? I think yes ;)
Sincerely, Michelle

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 20, 2007 7:28:31 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Nov 20, 2007 7:29:21 AM PST
Thank you Oro, Govagabndgrl , Mark and Michelle for your thoughts on this subject. I wrote the book "Unlawful Flight", which desribes why and how I kidnapped my two children and raised them myself. I don't want anyone else to ever have to do that, and so the book is my way to show the courts, judges and people of the world that fathers can raise children just as well as mothers.
I can tell you that there is a special bond between a father and his daughter and another between a mother and her son. I don't believe this to be a bad thing as long as children are loved equally, but my son did and still does suffer from not having that bond with his mother in his youth.
I took my children for their own well being and to this day they are glad that I did. The court system back then (1981) gave custody to the father less than 15% of the time. Believe it or not, fathers win custody now only about 15 to 20% of the time and I believe it is because society instills in us a belief that men are the providers of shelter, food and safety and women are the ones who nurture and raise the children. That was surely the case thousands of years ago, but good lord, this is 2007! Was I a good father? Only my children can tell you that, but I can tell you that raising children is an act of love and because it is, sacrifice and loneliness are of little importance whether you are the mother or the father. I appreciate and am touched by those who are raising children alone. God knows it is hard enough with both parents these days.
Happy thanksgiving to all of you and God bless. Glen

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 20, 2007 8:27:27 PM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Sep 10, 2008 5:53:36 AM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 20, 2007 11:53:29 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Nov 20, 2007 11:55:09 PM PST
Hello Everyone,

I feel that many fathers are just as capable or more so than some mothers. I have come in contact with numerous fathers and grandparents that are raising their children or grandchildren, due to the mother being unfit, or just walking out. There are way too many mothers being hooked on drugs now, so I know fathers and grandparents raising the children. It is still a fight in the courts, along with alot of money for the father to get custody, even if the mother is totally unfit.
I also see mothers turning the children against the fathers, due to their own anger against the father. The mothers making false accusations and in one case she sent men to beat the father up until he was passing out. He was off work for months after this attack.
I believe if the father is the more stable, mentally and emotionally parent, then he should be raising the children. All this is coming from someone who has never even met her own father. It was important to me, even though my child's father did not treat me well when I was with him, to make sure that my child has a good relationship with her father.
There are many mothers out there who should never have raised children, so it really depends on the person.

Anne Arsenault CNC
Author of "Real Solutions to Children's Health"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 21, 2007 6:38:04 AM PST
Michelle O'G says:
I am a professional mother and until I had my daughter I would have agreed with you. I would like more than anything to be a stay at home mom fulltime in stead of working. But unfortunately with the world and economics the way they are I still have to work in order to make ends meet. No longer can most women choose to stay at home if they wish.
I feel there is no stronger woman in the world than one who stays at home to raise their children.....raising children is not just putting a roof over their head and food in their bellies......it is a job to build character, morality, truth into them.....far too many children these days are raising themselves because mom and dad are working. Noadays neither parent is available fo rtheir child in the home and that is most unfortunate....but i think this is another thread. ;)
Michelle

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 21, 2007 8:09:40 AM PST
govagabndgrl,
I agree with you and I certainly don't condone parental kidnapping either. That is why we have to get laws changed and get judges and courts to think like 2007 instead of 1950. According to a study done by the U.S. Justice Dep't. known as the NISMART ( National Incidence Study of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Thrownaway children ), as many as 1000 kids are taken by a parent EVERY DAY in the United States. Most are just being cruel to their ex and in the process hurting the children, but some do it because our laws are antiquated and way behind the times. In either case we must stop it and the only way to do so is to get equal treatment in the courts for both parents and get the parents to put the children first and swallow their bitterness and anger.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 21, 2007 5:10:34 PM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Sep 10, 2008 5:53:33 AM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 12:17:51 PM PST
Grass Tiger says:
Hi, I'm a mom. I think so. Fathers parent differently and have different strengths. My daughter learns things from my husband that I just don't think to teach her and vice versa. I think a child really needs both influences in the home because the differences provide a balance and a more holistic understanding of things. But this world is not perfect and no child will get everything that a child can possibly get. I have a chronic illness and can't offer some things that someone without one can offer, but I can offer different things. So a child can grow up perfectly healthy in a home with only a healthy, caring, loving father, just as much as with only a healthy, caring, loving mother. That is more than many children receive from two parent homes. I'd say a child is better off with a healthy, caring, loving father than a troubled mother and vice versa...if a choice has to be made.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 12:45:55 PM PST
[Deleted by the author on Nov 22, 2007 12:49:17 PM PST]

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 7:04:57 PM PST
First of all I hope that ya'll had a terrific thanksgiving today. My two children came over with the grandchildren and we had a great feast. I agree entirely with Grass Tiger but must respectfully disagree with govagabndgrl. I don't believe that it's evolutionary nor do I believe mothers to be more mentally equipped to raise children. Again, hundreds of years ago perhaps, as men hunted and women nurtured. But good lord, things have changed. When my two were tiny I was changing diapers, bottle feeding them and playing regularly and always reading them stories while they lay in their bunk beds. I will admit I inherited those qualities from my own mother, who did all those things as my father was mearly the disciplinarian.
I believe that either parent can do a wonderful job as long as the love and desire are there. I also feel for single mothers because it must surely be harder for them to raise children than a father in some apsects because unfortunately they seldom make as much money as the father can, and with more money comes better child care and possibly education.
Being a single father for many years I was blessed with the ability to make a good living and have excellant child care until I got home from work. Then it was play time for a while, bath time, supper, some tv, into bed and storytime and do it again the next day.
I'll even admit that many fathers are worthless pieces of @#* and don't even know who their children are, but more and more mothers are now putting themselves first instead of their children, a terrible mistake.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 7:14:42 PM PST
I'll give you a simple answer: yes.

There's no evidence that either mothers or fathers are more capable parents than the other sex. None. There is certainly evidence that clearly reveals that men spend less time raising children within the confines of two-parent families, but such evidence tells us nothing about men's capacity to be effective parents. Also, let's not forget that aggregated statistics only reveal general tendencies, and cannot tell us anything about the actions of specific individuals.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 7:23:27 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Nov 22, 2007 7:25:08 PM PST
govagabndgrl:

I'd just like to point out that your conception of hunter-gatherer societies is highly oversimplified. Men and women both hunted, and both gathered.

Also, I'm not sure why you argue that women are 'quicker' and 'more evaluative.' I've never seen any evidence to back up such assertions. We often greatly overstate the biological differences between men and women.

I'm a bit confused by your statement that single men can't raise daughters because he can't "understand the evolution of a female's mind during adolescence and the mental complexity that men never attain." Would you also argue that single women shouldn't raise sons?

Finally, I find it insulting that you say that men can't ever reach the 'mental complexity' of women. The statement is a bit ironic considering your misuse of the word 'evolution' (a process that, in the individual, is finished at conception). What exactly is your definition of 'mental complexity'?

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 22, 2007 10:47:19 PM PST
Well said Glen........I agree with you. Even though I grew up without a father, I have friends and brothers who are great fathers. A couple of them have custody of their children and they parent well. It appears though the courts still favour the mothers; I have seen this with guy friends. If both parents are mentally well, then both parents should see their children.

Anne Arsenault CNC
Author of "Real Solutions to Children's Health"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 23, 2007 5:40:05 AM PST
James, Thanks for jumping in and I'm with you in your mindset on this but please go easy on govagabndgrl. My purpose here was to expose differing views and explore them and hers is clearly different, so let's not run her off, let's explore why she feels this way. I would like to know why so we can begin to make change there. Thanks

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 23, 2007 6:01:11 AM PST
Thanks Anne. And I have seen single mothers raise children and do a wonderful job of it with no help at all from the father. Again, I feel that we are all inherently capable, so it comes down more to desire than to anything else and as with anything else enough desire equates to success. I will be purchasing your book soon and look forward to reading more about your thoughts.
Along with many others, I gave support recently to a friend of mine on authorsden.com named Andy Turner over in the U.K. who just won the right to see his son Sebastian for the first time in seven years all because his wife falsely accused him of sexual abuse charges. The minds of judges are changing, but ever so slowly.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 23, 2007 8:55:13 AM PST
Glen:

I understand your desire to explore gova's mindset, and maybe I was a little harsh, but her comments are fairly insulting. She thinks we should be 'cautious' about single men raising daughters, and that men are inferior to women in some pretty fundamental ways.

That being said, I'll hold off making any further comments about gova's beliefs until she is clearer about what she means. Then, I'll be more diplomatic in my responses.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 23, 2007 11:27:03 AM PST
James, Please don't take me wrong. You've been diplomatic already and well spoken. And you're right, her thoughts were a tad insulting. I just want to understand why someone would feel that way. We all have the suitcase given us at birth and as we go along we add things into the suitcase and carry it along our life path with us. I know my own suitcase is full of the good, the bad and the ugly. Let's find out what is in hers. For anyone to even think that single fathers and their daughters is a red flag situtation is very sad indeed.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 23, 2007 8:57:13 PM PST
Glen, I have known too many men that are kept away from the children; my two closest men friends have both been accused of sexual abuse and I trust both of them to be around my daughter. No, I don't trust every man, as I have had my own experiences, but I am working on healing. Even though my daughter's father did not treat me properly when I was with him, I would never think of making these accusations and keeping his daughter away from him! I can see how it hurts the father to not see his kids.
govagabndgrl has obviously had some bad experiences and needs to heal, when she's ready.
I just wish people would think about what they are doing; when they split up they should try to get along. Her father and I, along with his new wife, are all trying to get along for the good of our daughter. It isn't easy, as he can be a very frusterating person at times, but the most important thing is her. It is time parents put away their anger and jealousy and do what's best for the child. One reason I am working on healing, is I don't want to give my daughter all the stuff that my mother gave me; neither my brother, nor I talk to our mother anymore.
I am glad your friend can see his son.
Anne Arsenault CNC
Author of "Real Solutions to Children's Health"

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 24, 2007 11:22:29 AM PST
Anne, In my own situation I would get the kids for the weekend and each time I brought them back it was more difficult for them, they just wouldn't get out of the car. The last time it happened their mother was furious and scolded the kids and told me that I would never see them again. The next day she filed a police report stating that I had sexually abused both children and I was ordered to not go near them. Two long months later the charges were dropped and when given the chance to see them again I took them and never brought them back. Caught two years later by the FBI I fought with everything I had and after a dozen court battles I won full custody. It all started with false charges because the mothers feelings were hurt by the obvious love shown by the children for me. It still happens daily all over the world and we must find a way to stop it.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 27, 2007 10:56:41 AM PST
susu says:
I suppose it depends on the individuals involved, but some fathers can definitely be better singles parents that some mothers. My son's former wife is not someone I have any kind things to say about, so I will refrain from character assassination here. When their first child was less than 2 months old, the baby stopped breathing in the middle of the night due to pneumonia. My son woke up instantly and got the baby breathing again. The baby's mother had to be woke up by my son after he had restored breathing to the baby so they could take the baby to the hospital. Many will tell you that the bond that woke my son is something that only happens with mothers. I say hogwash! My son stayed with that wife long enough to have 3 children. My former daughter-in-law risked the lives of those children by running off with a drug addict and taking the children with her. They were all 4 and younger at the time. The 2 year old was trying to drink contents of the watered down booze glasses left in the living room the morning after a party when her mother woke up enough to stop her. My son has always taken an interest in his children and done more for them than their self-centered mother ever tried. Besides being an involved parent he was director of the local BMX track when the kids wanted to race. He has coached and been director of a JFL program when the boys wanted to play football. He cooks, changes diapers, fed, bathed and rocked babies. He is now very happily married to a wonderful woman and has 2 more children by his current wife. He also has full custody of his 3 children from that former disasterous marriage. The oldest is a sophomore in high school and my son has just been asked by the school to coach the freshman football team starting next year. In spite of running his own business and having 5 kids, he will make time to do the coaching. My son considers his family the absolute most important thing in his life and everything he does is for them.

Yes! Absolutely. Fathers are as capable of raising children as mothers. My son was single for about 6 years bewteen wives and never let his children down even once.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 27, 2007 3:07:22 PM PST
Susu,

What an awesome son you have. I wonder where he got those qualities..You! I know how proud that you are and should be, it's just another sad case of someone putting themselves and their wants first, almost exactly like the mother of my children did. And I know it is just as often the father. We've created a society of people that put themselves first instead of all else. I believe that children know, perhaps sense, who loves them and who is full of it and in the end they find the parent that will discipline them and share their good times and bad times with them and comfort them. Thanks for your thoughts on this and best wishes.
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