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Loving my mother isn't easy!


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In reply to an earlier post on Dec 27, 2010 5:28:44 AM PST
stevign says:
sunshine101:

All the King's Men's is absolutely right. I heard Dr. Laura give the exact same advice some yrs back, the main thing (just like with children) is consistency. After informing your mother of your future actions then you must do it every...single....time; she will finally get the picture and realize there's no payoff for her in complaining.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 21, 2010 10:12:51 AM PST
ColdShot says:
One day a man went out on a small lake do do some fishing,

when he suddenly comes upon a man in the water, whose head was just

above the waterline, just barely able to get air. So the fisherman is surprised and reaches out his hand and at the same time yells to the man to give him his hand. and the man in the water answers back and sez I can't! I'm holding onto this anvil.

With that, the fisherman looks over the side of the boat into the water and sees that the man is indeed holding onto an anvil, so he tells the man in the water, to let it go! whereby the man in the water responds, I can't! Why not! sez the surprised fisherman! Because it's mine, sez the man in the water!

some folks just hang onto something because it's theirs, for whatever reason, and just haven't figured out how to let it go.....even if it is causing them harm

In reply to an earlier post on Oct 29, 2010 1:24:12 PM PDT
S. Robins says:
What All the King's Men is saying is very important. You MUST learn new ways to communicate that are VERY different from either your mom or dad! Do this to save your own life, to llve your own life!
Find lots of hints that will help you understand YOUR SELF better in Exploring Intimacy: Cultivating Healthy Relationships through Insight and Intuition

Posted on Sep 28, 2010 6:56:33 AM PDT
A. Maley says:
I can really relate to your mother with my mother. Different, but many similarities.

My dad left my mother during my senior year in high school back in 1991. Since then, she sits in the dark, hoards things and is super lazy.

It's embarrassing when we get company at our house and she calls at least 10 times a day every single day. The number of calls has climbed to 30 before. It is never an emergency. The calls increase especially when she knows we're busy. She can't stand to not get the attention, yet she won't do some necessary things that she has been told to do.

My mother doesn't like men in general since my father left. My sister is mentally challenged. She always has been and always will be. My mother only has her at home for habit and money. My sister is not taken care of, and quite frankly could probably go down as a neglect case because her teeth have rotted out and my mother and father neither one want to do anything about it. My sister needs to be in a place with 'kids' like herself, eventhough she is an adult in age.

My mother has a dog that she refuses to take outside for the bathroom. She buys those training pads for her dog, but the dog doesn't just use the bathroom on that pad, it's everywhere. So my mother's house really does stink.

My mother's drivers license expired back in 1997 and she was told by the DPS people that she would need to retake her written and driving test. She won't do that but still seems to get insurance. She won't drive past a certain area if she doesn't absolutely have to because I think she is scared she will be caught.

My husband and I are trying to teach my kids, especially my oldest son financial responsibility. My oldest son is 16 years old and needs a little part time job to learn how to manage money. My mother is against him working and tells him so I'm sure. She goes behind us trying to baby him more than my 11 year old. She pays for just about anything he wants. I've told her to stop buying them things because my oldest doesn't appreciate anything at all. She just won't stop. She goes against my husband, which are both of my boys' step father. He's really good to my kids but thinks my husband has no say in their bringing up but thinks she does because she is their grandmother. I don't want my oldest son to fall into my mother's 'woe is me' trap like I did growing up.

She lives 15 minutes away which has it's conveniences when I do actually need her, but she uses anything to her advantage somewhere down the road. She always makes me feel guilty of things. She's very interfering and has a answer and solution for everything about anything.

Speaking of my mother, there goes the first call from her today.

I can go on and on and on about her.

In reply to an earlier post on Sep 19, 2010 8:09:42 PM PDT
Bcb says:
I read your story, I am proud that you stood up for yourself! I care for an 87 yr old woman, She is as sweet as she can be, Her parents died 30 yrs ago... She is STILL wondering why she wasn't accepted. It is very sad to hear her talk about it. Please make a stand now, don't let her misery make you miserable too. Life is too short to keep playing the game with your Mom. Remember, Hurt people, hurt people.

Posted on Sep 19, 2010 7:15:49 PM PDT
Hot hands says:
Good for you, setting the boundary with your mother...in fact I'd go so far as to sit down with her one day, and kindly tell her, when she bad mouths him, that you are sorry she is so bitter, but you don't want to hear it, and you won't listen to it.

'We are all victims of victims" -Louise Hay.....

Maybe your mother doesn't know how to love you, maybe she never learned...you are well on your way to creating a healthier relationship with her, and within yourself.

My mom was pretty negative. My friends were never good enough. My hair was never styled right. Other kids were better behaved, etc. etc. etc....yet she didnt' spend alot of time guiding me herself....If we went to a restuarant she'd pick the meal apart, always saying how "cheap" it was, how much better she cooked, how we could pay so much money for food that could be done better at home....it didn't matter, she'd find a way to criticize anything....and I really have to struggle not to do that.

It was love/hate with her. In fact I can only remember her telling me she loved me once or twice...not a hugger...kind to my children, but not so much to me. I was a change of life baby, so I am positive she was less than happy to welcome child number 11 at age 49...as an adult I understand, as a child, painful.

When she passed away I realized that I really was so much closer to her than I thought, yet part of me still bristles when thinking of her...it was hard to let my heart be open with her, because those comments are painful. Thanks for your post, it really made me do a "re check" within myself, my own criticism with myself, and my children.

I wish you well.

In reply to an earlier post on May 26, 2010 9:00:49 AM PDT
First off, what helps here is for you to change the rules of the game. For here on out, start a tolerate none policy in regards to the comments about your dad. Remind her that you are moving on, and that you will literally move on, go home, hang up or whatever if she starts in. And then do it. She will learn that it is a closed subject with you.

As for actually moving on, what helps is to make a conscious decision to not copy Mom's ways and then, to deliberately behave differently. Validate your efforts in your own mind. For example, speak positively out loud about your own mom out loud to someone else. 'Catch yourself' doing that, and it becomes a habit. And then teach others the same habit of looking on the positive side of things. It is the teaching part that is healing. You may already seek positive thinking.

It's the actual reversing of a negative trait within the family that is empowering and healing too. Good luck.

Initial post: May 10, 2010 1:56:49 PM PDT
sunshine101 says:
Anyone else have a difficult mother? How do you deal with yours?

Here's my story:

I'm 36 and use to look for my mother's approval until I learned that's impossible and being that she's not the happiest person in the world, she's not the person to get advice from...

Anyway, in my earliest of memories I feared my mother and felt I was a nuisance to her - I wanted nothing more then for her to hug me, tell me she loves me, and tell me how great, smart, and pretty, I am, but she rarely if ever complemented me when I was a child. She was very disconnected from me emotionally, and at the time I thought it was because she didn't really like me. I now think, she was trying to find herself through her divorce and unknowingly, was emotionally detached.

I was around 5, when my parent decided to separate, and from that day forward, my mother talks about how stupid, selfish, dorky, lazy etc. my father was (as he's now deceased) and in the same breath reminds me how much I'm just like him. When I was younger I use to brush off these comments, but I'm older now and not afraid of her anymore. Therefore, I've put a STOP to these types of comments and it's been so healing!

This all started about a year ago when my mom was in my car and my gas light came on and I said, oh.. I almost forgot, I need to get gas! Mind you, I have about 30-50 miles to go before being empty. Anyway, her reply was...oh you're just like your father, always waiting to the last minute! ...with a huff...and puff".

I was so angry! Another dig...! First off, it's been about 20 years since I last ran out of gas and this was when I was a teenager and my mom gave me holy hell for it back then, and she made the same type of comment back then.

THIS TIME, I wasn't going to take it, so I slammed on the breaks, looked her in the eye and said "I'm tired of hearing how STUPID you think my dad is, and how much YOU say I'm just like him! Do you think that hurts my feelings - do you care that you're hurting my feelings - are you trying to hurt my feelings? My whole life you've spoken poorly about my father and then LOVE to say how much I'm like him! I'm tired of it, and the next time you say something like that I don't care where we are at, I'll bring you right back home-- got it?!?"

She got quite and has never compared me to him again, however, she STILL can't resist talking poorly about my father. It STILL just gets me! According to her she HATES him b/c he's cheated on her so many times! However, she's recently confessed to cheating on him numerous times too. Mind you, my father took his own life about 5 years ago, this was 13 yrs after their divorce and he remarried another woman for 13 yrs. Anywho, I'd think she'd just let it all go, but she doesn't. My father was great to me, always very loving, supportive, and it's really hard to believe that he cheated as much as she says he did - However, I don't think my mom would make it up either! Regardless, what went on between them is none of my business - I STILL love my father and will always miss him and my mother continues to be a prickly thing to love! Although, I do have good times with her, I STILL have to work really hard to mend the hurts she has/continues to cause me! Although, it has gotten better, it's still hard.
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Discussion in:  Relationships forum
Participants:  8
Total posts:  8
Initial post:  May 10, 2010
Latest post:  Dec 27, 2010

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