I'm considering this a public service, heh, and I would apologise to the people who actually enjoyed this book, but I would have to first close my gaping jaw that there are any. Warning for spoilers in case anyone thinks this plot sounds intriguing. You know, as opposed to appalling.
The Title: Jessie Gray
The Author: Emma Blair (and I have to say that as far as I remember, Emma Blair is a decent writer technically speaking. Unfortunately. I would have preferred not to be drawn into the writing of this particular plot.)
The Plot: Right. *knuckle crack* Small town...England? Ireland? Scotland? Wales? Somewhere in the UK, 1950s. (ETA: It's Scotland. Thanks, Amazon.) Heroine is young daughter of extremely overprotective, repressed and stern minister father. Meets Hero when both are children. As young teenagers, Heroine finds out that Hero is sexing up his first girlfriend. "I'm the only virgin in town. Woe." Latches onto first boyfriend, who is sooooooo far in the closet that she has to haul him back from Narnia. Tries to sleep with him. She isn't a teenage boy, so First Boyfriend struggles to...raise the interest. Until she tries rambling off a whole lot of words to get him in the mood (because pulling out Webster's English Dictionary during intimate moments is just like reading porn aloud). Mentions "Eton" ("Ooh, plummy schoolboys in fancy coats") and suddenly he's raring to go. Poor first sexual experience = insta pregnancy. First Boyfriend's family denies all and labels her Town Bike, oh noes. Hero sticks up for her. Either abortion or miscarriage ensues. They bond over experience and get together. It's True Love. Apparently. Heroine starts forcing everybody to call her "Star", because she's a bit of a twit. Hero becomes leader of gang. They marry and are like Mod King and Queen of these teddy boy bikers. Rival group kidnap Heroine and violently and graphically gang rape her (not such a warm and fuzzy story now, is it?). Hero...kind of doesn't really care. "Oh, poor you... Now what do you think about me starting a band? Cool, right?" Things start going rapidly downhill at this point. Hero starts band, Heroine is supportive even though the struggling musicians Just Can't Catch A Break, Hero finally meets Evil Femme Fatale Music Producer, but OH NO, if Hero doesn't become her sex slave at least four times a week, she'll ruin his career and he'll never work in this town again, ever. The correct Romance Novel response to this kind of behaviour is: "Excuse me, Other Woman, are you my Heroine? I think not. The best I can do is help you get something out of your eye or grab you in the chest region to hold off your advances and wait for my Heroine to burst in on us, thus creating the Big Misunderstanding and ensuring that I get hot makeup sex in a couple of chapters. K?" Instead, "Hero" is all, "Hmm...haw...well...okay." Heroine walks in on them having sex for about the third or fourth time, runs out and doesn't see him for like a decade. During which time, she gets a job in a pub, discovers the sweet taste of beer, puts on about seventy pounds, picks up a boyfriend who think she's fat and treats her like crap, and stands around aging bitterly. Meets the Hero again by chance, totally takes him back ("NOOOO! And there isn't even a grovel!!!"), is all "But I'm fat," and he's all, magnanimously, "That's okay, you still have a nice face and I did sleep with someone else." The end, happy ever after. (Until the Hero decides to switch careers and go on the stage, and the heroine discovers him on the casting couch, I assume.)
Yeah. Don't read it. :-) It obviously still haunts me to this day, ha. I took great pleasure in literally throwing this one in an industrial paper recycler.
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