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i have a good man but i cant make him happy

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Initial post: Feb 21, 2008 10:12:35 AM PST
i have a good man but i cant make him happy no matter what i do he just not happy with help me i need your help.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 22, 2008 5:02:33 PM PST
N. Clemenzi says:
Dear Angela: It is not your job to make him happy. Happiness comes from within. I was married to a man who I could not please no matter what I did. He was angry, rude, and expected me to do what ever he asked of me...when he asked of me. You need to get strong in yourself and take good care of yourself. Is it you he is not happy with? If it is...why be with a man who does not value you and your wonderful qualities. If he is not happy with himself, encourage him to get some help to work through it. God bless you Angela. Jesus loves you ..... and you make Him VERY HAPPY!

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 23, 2008 8:26:47 PM PST
N. Clemenzi is very good: It is is not your job to MAKE someone happy. How long have you been with him? Is he happy in general (I doubt it)? Is he disappointed in what you do or don't do? Are you married or dating for a week? Tell us more.

Based on what little we know, move on. It sounds like he does not love you (and probably isn't very loving) but has no backbone to move on.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 23, 2008 8:57:50 PM PST
April says:
Angela, are YOU happy? From your post, I doubt it. If you're concerned w/ his happiness, and he's concerned w/ his happiness, who's looking out for you? Some say life is too short, I say life is too LONG to live this way. Please pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and begin to help yourself. God bless and good luck.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 8:10:27 AM PST
It sounds like this guy is stressing you out. Its not your responsibility to make him happy. In my expereince if you are positive and happy then the people around you have a better chance of being happy themselves. It must be hard for you to be upbeat when you feel like a grown mans happiness depends on you.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 11:33:32 AM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Apr 22, 2008 9:24:24 PM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 1:58:29 PM PST
Phatchick says:
I was married once to someone I tried to make happy. He was everything I wasnt. I envied him, and wondered why he wanted me. Everything I did was wrong. After 5 years I finally left him. He begged me for 18 months to come home. He was miserable without me! I learned a secret, making me happy was my job. I never looked back. I walked away and have never regretted it.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 3:44:01 PM PST
All good answers. But unqualified answers, for we really know nothing about this situation. Tell us more.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 4:08:06 PM PST
I'm just wondering why you think he's a "good man". I'm very old-fashioned and believe that I should take care of my husband (to a certain extent.) I try my best to make him happy. What makes him a good man is that he always tries to do the same. Little favors, kisses hello and goodbye, plain old courtesy. He treats me with the same respect I treat him. I believe that's how it should be. We're a team (in everything) and if you're feeling like you can't please him then something is wrong. I would talk to him. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Maybe the problem isn't with you, but with himself. If he isn't willing to talk or get help, MY OPINION is that you should move on. I'm no professional, but I agree with the others.... You need to take care of yourself and make yourself happy first.

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 29, 2008 4:19:07 PM PST
Mrs says:
I agree that we all need to be able to find happines within ourselves. But let's be realistic here - it also feels good when someone else makes you happy, and it feels nice when you know you've made someone happy. That is just human nature. So on the journey to loving self and looking after self, if you do wnat to try and have a happier relationship in general, read "The Five Love languages". It gives you a real insight into how different people prefer to give and receive love. This might help you recognise how he likes to receive love (joy, happiness etc) and you can modify what you do. But in the meantime continue to look within yourself and be honest with yourself. If it's worth saving then try your hardest. If you think he's not worth it then get out.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 3, 2008 12:37:45 PM PST
Bobby Allen says:
You're mistake is trying to make him happy and not thinking about yourself and what makes YOU happy. I think you should work on yourself and your self-esteem. I've found Ask, Believe, Receive - 7 Days to Increased Wealth, Better Relationships, and a Life You Love (...Even When it Seems Impossible) to be very helpful.

Posted on Apr 29, 2009 10:08:55 PM PDT
O. Marie says:
Yes, I agree with Bobby Allen re self-esteem... You have to be able to feel good about yourself; you have to feel that there is a rapport of respect going on, or it's not love. It's something else.

Posted on Apr 30, 2009 10:58:55 AM PDT
Zen Druid says:
What is your idea of how he should be acting if he is happy? Perhaps he experiences it in a different way than you expect. My wife is very demonstrative when she is happy. I am pretty quiet even when I am very happy and she somtimes wonders about me, so I have to communicate with her that I feel good.

Posted on Apr 30, 2009 5:47:14 PM PDT
Gina Pera says:
Angela, I don't think anyone can offer much of a response or useful perspective until you offer a little more information.

Care to tell us more?

In reply to an earlier post on May 1, 2009 8:23:39 AM PDT
[Deleted by the author on May 1, 2009 8:25:32 AM PDT]

Posted on May 1, 2009 10:29:41 PM PDT
A. McMillan says:
Hi Angela, I was married for a very long time to a man who seemed to be displeased with me. I worked harder and harder and got better and better. One day I got so smart that I realized that the dissaproval and nagging was his way of keeping me insecure so that he could feel superior and have the upper hand in the relationship. He used my own efforts against me. For him the system worked because he got everything he wanted, so why would he have considered changing anything? I left 13 years ago, against everything I ever believed in and at a great loss to myself. I have never regretted it, in fact, felt there was no choice, then understanding what I did.

Many men (and some women) use this put-down tactic because true intimacy and vulnerability are too threatening to them, so they use this to keep a distance. Their prospective partners who see through it are gone with the first put down. They choose people who are needy enough to put up with it. I hope this helps. Perhaps this is you and your guy.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. You will demand respect and kindness in all your relationships once you give it to yourself. You are the one who tells others how much value you have, not the other way around. Bless you in your journey. Ada

Posted on May 2, 2009 6:48:40 PM PDT
Zambezi says:
Not your job to make him happy, just try to avoid " " him off.

In reply to an earlier post on May 3, 2009 9:06:40 AM PDT
Idunasappl says:
As many others have said, it's not your job to make him happy, but I wonder, is he making you happy?? If you believe that his happiness is somehow your responibility, then it follows that yours is his responibility. Is he living up to his end of the bargain? If not, does he feel as bad about it as you seem to? We Westerners have a very twisted sense of what love is and means. We believe that" "the two will become one," and that "love conquers all," and all sorts of unhealthy crap. If you are not happy, do something to make yourself happy. He can or will follow along as he sees fit. Women were not put on this earth to please men, and see only to their happiness. Perhaps some councelling for you both will help.

Posted on May 3, 2009 7:14:29 PM PDT
m reddy says:
I wanna feel good and follow my bliss but my wife does not understand me now that i have been study and trying to change my life for the better with Abraham hicks information i want her to have the same information that i have but i dont know how to communicate to her on a level that she will understand .we disagree when i dont wanna be the person that gets mad and worrying about sense less emotional problems that she has and i don't wanna deal with. i love her but she does not love her self at times and she wants me to emotional pick her up but i don't want to do it any more am i wrong for that how do i stay in a peaceful state when i have darkness glooming in my house ?

Posted on May 3, 2009 9:54:49 PM PDT
Dear Angela,
Different people have different understanding of happiness. Depending on the cultural background, and upbringing, and many other factors.
The most imprtant lesson I have learned as a manager with 32 years of experience is the at work, in marriage, in relationships, and in our society, it is very difficult to change people.
I suggest accepting his level of happiness and/or unhappiness, do you humaly best to be there for him, but I will not put up with verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
I will get help!
Also, remeber that you should not forget yourself in this too. You must treat your self and your emotions well as well.

Hope this helps.

In reply to an earlier post on May 4, 2009 9:13:19 PM PDT
Many people have replied to the original post that it is not your job to make anybody happy, nor is it the job of your spouse or children to make you happy. I would say while it is imperative that one should make attempts to comfort their loved ones and help create situations conducive to happiness as practically possible, it entirely depends on the individuals mindset whether it actually leads to happiness for the individual. For example, being rich does not automatically lead to happiness, however happiness can be derived by the individual in the situation of being rich with the proper mental approach. The results are much better when two individuals who can be happy on their own get together and create shared happiness.

There is no such thing as senseless emotional problems and that is a disrespect to the other person - it may not make sense for one, but it sure does make sense to the other person who has them. If one spouse is a partly of fully identified as the object of discontentment by the other spouse, unless the situation calls for a massive apology or some change in behavior/action, a third party like a counselor or therapist or a unbiased friend is more helpful in clearing sticky misunderstandings or mental communication blocks.

Negativity and negative thoughts as in placing all the blame on the other person or ideas like "darkness glooming in my house" should be avoided and replaced with positive thoughts or at least some realistic thoughts (for example "darkness gloom" is metaphoric and "persistent sadness in my mind" is realistic and solvable)

This is not a professional opinion and it is always a good idea to get a professional opinion like from someone like Dr. Joy Browne

Posted on May 5, 2009 10:49:56 AM PDT
Hot hands says:
I think you should get 2 books, the first is Melody Beatty's "Co-dependant No More" the second Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Master of Love".

Make yourself happy, be the change you want to see, and allow him to be responsible for his own happiness, which ultimately is his choice. You can drag a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Posted on May 5, 2009 11:37:06 AM PDT
Gina Pera says:
These responses are very interesting. Everyone assumes that this man just cannot be pleased, and that this woman has done all she can to create a happy relationship with him.

But what if something IS impeding HER ability to be a good partner? It's possible, you know. And all this advice to "make yourself happy" and "**** him" -- well, they might just miss the point.

She says he's a good man. Let's take her at her word -- since that's all we know about the situation. So, maybe she has some undiagnosed mental health issue -- such as depression or ADHD -- which sabotages her ability to be her best self.

It's worth investigating.

Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?

In reply to an earlier post on May 5, 2009 1:39:55 PM PDT
Idunasappl says:
Gina, I understand your position, but why, tell me, should she have to make him happy? If he is unhappy, it's not her's to fix. Perhaps HE is the one with depression or ADD, and can't be happy because of that. Good people get depressed. If he is unhappy, then why should the burden be her's to fix? Is he not responsible for his own life, or are you one of those that believe it's her job. Even if she does have an unresolved mental health issue, it's still up to him to make himself happy, and her taking it upon herself to do so will only make her condition worse.

Posted on May 6, 2009 4:54:15 AM PDT
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Discussion in:  Self-help forum
Participants:  28
Total posts:  53
Initial post:  Feb 21, 2008
Latest post:  Feb 5, 2013

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