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Customer Reviews: 192
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Helpful Votes: 3070




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Reviews Written by
Zolton "Veni. Vidi. Reviewi." RSS Feed (Brookline, MA)

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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars I Know What Eyes Want, May 9, 2012
Summer is right around the corner. Just a few days ago, I was sipping margaritas from a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo, thinking, "Hey, pretty soon it'll be Juneo. Ay, carumba!"

Beach thong and flip-flop weather is coming, and here I am still wearing a parka and mukluks. So I decided to get my summer prep freak on -- STAT!

You can't have summer these days without eye protection. What with all the UV rays out there trying to ravage our retinas, it pays to be careful. And I figured: the more you pay, the more careful you are.

So these sunglasses were the perfect way to tell my eyeballs, "Hey, I got your corneas, peeps." A LOT. I can't afford to feed the stomach any more, or cover the feet or get the hair trimmed. But the optic twins? You're set for life.

And sure, these are women's glasses. But let's face it -- I have sensitive eyes. They're pink around the edges. And every thirty days or so, liquid comes running out of them. Basically, they ARE a couple of women. Sorry, peepers -- but hey, if the glasses fit...
Comment Comments (2) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Feb 23, 2013 7:18 AM PST


Women's Sexy Two Piece Micro Bikini Swimsuit
Women's Sexy Two Piece Micro Bikini Swimsuit
Offered by Active Minded Apparel
Price: $29.95

10 of 14 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars I'm at a Floss for Words!, May 9, 2012
Summer is right around the corner. Just a few days ago, I was sipping margaritas from a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo, thinking, "Hey, pretty soon it'll be Juneo. Ay, carumba!"

Beach thong and flip-flop weather is coming, and here I am still wearing a parka and mukluks. So I decided to get my summer prep freak on -- STAT!

Every summer, my wife worries whether she can find a bathing suit that fits. So I bought her this one -- I figured, there's so little to it, it has to fit! It's like wearing three rubber bands. How could that not be comfortable?

She saw things a bit differently. And told me in no uncertain terms that she was NOT wearing "that thing" outside the house. I said, "Great!" Because I thought that meant she'd be wearing it INSIDE the house.

Turns out, she's not wearing it inside the house, either. In fact, she threw it at me and won't even look at it any more. So I've been using it.

Not as a bathing suit, of course. I don't have the equipment to hold some of those rubber bands up. But I found it makes a great alternative to dental floss. You can really get in behind the molars with it, and my bicuspids have never felt sexier. Great product!


MistyMate 10025 Misty 2.5 Hand-Held Personal Mister
MistyMate 10025 Misty 2.5 Hand-Held Personal Mister
Price: $7.00
10 used & new from $7.00

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars How I've Mistied You!, May 9, 2012
Summer is right around the corner. Just a few days ago, I was sipping margaritas from a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo, thinking, "Hey, pretty soon it'll be Juneo. Ay, carumba!"

Beach thong and flip-flop weather is coming, and here I am still wearing a parka and mukluks. So I decided to get my summer prep freak on -- STAT!

Rule number one of summertime fun is to stay cool. You don't want heat stroke or dehydration or sticky lower back sweat to ruin a good time. So I bought this mister to spritz myself off when the going gets too warm.

There are a few downsides to this product. It's fragile. It can be messy. It's difficult to control the the spray flow. And it breaks easily.

The good? I realized I can fill it with vermouth. Now, not only are my practice summer martinis fabulous, but I can give myself a nice refreshing spray whenever I need it. At the office, in the car, first thing in the morning -- whenever. Thank you, MistyMate!
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jul 18, 2013 12:21 PM PDT


Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Approximately 1,500 Count
Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Approximately 1,500 Count
Offered by Bug Sales
Price: $9.50
6 used & new from $9.50

4 of 13 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars I Don't Mean to BUG Ya, May 9, 2012
Summer is right around the corner. Just a few days ago, I was sipping margaritas from a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo, thinking, "Hey, pretty soon it'll be Juneo. Ay, carumba!"

Beach thong and flip-flop weather is coming, and here I am still wearing a parka and mukluks. So I decided to get my summer prep freak on -- STAT!

My wife likes to putter around in the yard in the summer, but she always complains about the aphid problem. I heard ladybugs will take care of that, so I bought this crawly batch of live ones to help the missus out.

Unfortunately, I got distracted on the way to the flower bed and left the box on the kitchen counter. My wife saw them and thought they were some sort of cute little candies.

I don't know how many she ate before she realized they weren't made of chocolate. One is probably too many. But she freaked out, dumped the box down the garbage disposal, and hasn't let me sleep in the house for a week.

And boy, is she right. We DO have an aphid problem out here. Yuck.
Comment Comments (2) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jun 13, 2012 5:42 AM PDT


Mr. Ellie Pooh Natural White Elephant Dung Paper (100pc Ream)
Mr. Ellie Pooh Natural White Elephant Dung Paper (100pc Ream)
Price: $29.99
2 used & new from $29.99

21 of 28 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Putting the Poo in 'Publication', April 24, 2012
Earth Day didn't make much of a splash this year. I guess all the granola-hugging treemunchers were too busy rolling hemp and smelling like feet to get the word out.

So I decided to help the patchouli puffs out, and go Earth-friendly year round. Somebody has to help Mother Nature while the hippies are off growing their dreads and writing haikus about psychedelic hacky sacks.

If there's a better way to save the planet than making paper out of elephant poop, I can't think of it. First, it saves trees. Second, it makes elephant habitats smell a LOT better. Third, there are now people pn the planet whose job it is to collect jumbo Dumbo droppings for making this paper.

Think about that. These people HAD to be virtually unemployable before. If your primary skill is harvesting animal poop for fiber strands, you're very probably out of work, penniless, and mooching to survive. That's a huge strain on the planet now alleviated, thanks to this turdball stationery company. Kudos.

As for the product, it has a million and one uses. Need to write a Dear John letter? Poop paper gets the message across. Printing directions for your in-laws? Dung'll do it, junior. Handing out resumes that employers will say is crap, anyway? Now it's literally true! They may not hire you -- but you made them hold poop.

Can you ask anything more from an Earth-friendly product? The answer is no. No, you cannot.


Dogeared "Earth Friendly" "Make a Wish" Charm Bracelet, 7"
Dogeared "Earth Friendly" "Make a Wish" Charm Bracelet, 7"

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars "Charmed", I'm Sure, April 24, 2012
Earth Day didn't make much of a splash this year. I guess all the granola-hugging treemunchers were too busy rolling hemp and smelling like feet to get the word out.

So I decided to help the patchouli puffs out, and go Earth-friendly year round. Somebody has to help Mother Nature while the hippies are off growing their dreads and writing haikus about psychedelic hacky sacks.

This bracelet fooled me at first. But then I realized the "Earth Friendly" in the description is in quotes -- just like the "Make a Wish". So it's as "environmentally responsible" as "fairy godmothers", "genies in bottles" and "eight-foot-tall gold sparkly unicorns shooting pixie dust rainbows out their butts"? Nice.

So now I'm wary. The bracelet is fine -- but it's probably made from petroleum runoff and rainforest tree guts. I bet it causes acid rain and polar ice cap sweating and malignant wrist cancer in laboratory tweens.

That may sound a bit extreme. Do I really think all those things? Nah, I'm totally "kidding". "For real". What?


11 lb. - Indonesian Bat Guano - Bloom Stimulator - Plant Nutrient - Sunleaves 721005
11 lb. - Indonesian Bat Guano - Bloom Stimulator - Plant Nutrient - Sunleaves 721005
Offered by Hydroponics Market
Price: $40.13
14 used & new from $28.96

12 of 18 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars How Does Your Guano Grow?, April 24, 2012
Earth Day didn't make much of a splash this year. I guess all the granola-hugging treemunchers were too busy rolling hemp and smelling like feet to get the word out.

So I decided to help the patchouli puffs out, and go Earth-friendly year round. Somebody has to help Mother Nature while the hippies are off growing their dreads and writing haikus about psychedelic hacky sacks.

I'm tired of all the harsh and caustic fertilizers out there. This guano does the job without any chemicals or gimmicks. It's straight from the bat intestine, right to the bag. Maybe it sits on the ground for a while first, or the floor of a cave. But that's it.

Just be sure to get the authentic Indonesian Bat Guano. Accept no substitutes! I've tried them all, and the last thing you want is some snake offal salesman passing off Malaysian bat crap as the real deal. Malaysian! As if!

Or worse, Thai. I don't know what those people feed their bats in that country, but it does NOT make good guano. Maybe it's the curry; I don't know. But stay away. The Indonesian bat scat -- that's where it's at, cat.

Now I just need to find some plants to put this stuff in. So far, I've been ringing my neighbor's doorbell and lighting the bags on his porch. But don't worry; he deserves it. The man uses Miracle-Gro. Tsk.
Comment Comments (3) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Aug 5, 2014 9:45 AM PDT


Landmann 82700 Earth Friendly Wood
Landmann 82700 Earth Friendly Wood
Price: $24.53
5 used & new from $21.75

9 of 11 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Wooden It Be Nice?, April 24, 2012
Earth Day didn't make much of a splash this year. I guess all the granola-hugging treemunchers were too busy rolling hemp and smelling like feet to get the word out.

So I decided to help the patchouli puffs out, and go Earth-friendly year round. Somebody has to help Mother Nature while the hippies are off growing their dreads and writing haikus about psychedelic hacky sacks.

At first, I questioned this product's Earth-friendliness. It's wood from an innocent murdered tree, hacked apart and packaged in cardboard -- the lifeless husks of its fallen forest brothers and sisters. How could this bring anything but a tear to some old Native American's eye?

But then I tried it, and it all became clear. No additives. No preservatives. And this wood WILL NOT BURN. It's firewood -- without the fire. Genius! A single box of this firewood will supply a fireplace FOREVER because it's never. Going. To. Burn.

Seriously, light it with a flamethrower. It won't burn. Douse it in gasoline. You got nothing. How about a little napalm spritzer? This wood laughs in your face, while the house burns down around you.

So, if you want an eco-friendly fireplace, by all means buy this wood and shove a couple logs in there. Just do NOT try to light it. It's not going to happen. Mother Earth says, "no".


Ledu L557BR Traditional Banker's Lamp, 14 High, Green Glass Shade, Brass Base
Ledu L557BR Traditional Banker's Lamp, 14 High, Green Glass Shade, Brass Base
Offered by ReStockIt
Price: $38.65
24 used & new from $33.38

2 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars The Green Green Glass of Home, April 10, 2012
Every April, Uncle Sam shoves his hands down my pockets and yanks out my disposable income by the short and curly roots. And what can I do about it? My 'documentation' is a four-year-old tax return and three Burger King lunch receipts. Somehow, being lazy and disorganized and awful with money and numbers and planning has turned around to bite me in the butt. Well, this year I decided to do something about it.

After several setbacks, it was clear I'd have to do my taxes myself. So I wanted to look the part of amateur accountant. This attractive and sturdy green-shade lamp made just the statement on my desk that I wanted -- somber and responsible, meticulous and diligent, capable and smart. With this lamp illuminating my home office desk, I knew I'd find a way to slog through my finances.

That was before I turned it on -- and saw how it turned everything behind the shade an eerie luminous green. Five minutes later, I was running pantsless with it into the living room to show my wife:

"HEY HONEY -- MY JUNK LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN!"

So as usual, we'll be applying for an 'extension'.

On the TAXES. Don't be a hater.


TurboTax Deluxe Final Edition Tax Year 1996
TurboTax Deluxe Final Edition Tax Year 1996
Offered by Clover Creek Collectibles
Price: $10.95
7 used & new from $8.00

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Turbo or Not Turbo -- When Was the Question?, April 10, 2012
Every April, Uncle Sam shoves his hands down my pockets and yanks out my disposable income by the short and curly roots. And what can I do about it? My 'documentation' is a four-year-old tax return and three Burger King lunch receipts. Somehow, being lazy and disorganized and awful with money and numbers and planning has turned around to bite me in the butt. Well, this year I decided to do something about it.

Clearly, I need all the state-of-the-art tax help I can get. And this 'TurboTax' gizmo seems to be popular with the revenuer dodgers and fancy suits these days, so I gave it a whirl. I just failed to notice that this version is from sixteen freaking years ago, and therefore not as much help in tax prep as, say, a rusty abacus and a bonk on the head.

Still, I tried to get something out of the investment. And miserably failed. The CD-ROM in this thing only works on Windows 95, 98 or 2000. I'm running a household here, not an antique electronics store! My computer wasn't even born when those systems gave up the ghost. The closest I could get to 1996 technology was my old toaster, so I tried shoving the CDs in there to see if they'd play. But no. The thing just sparked and smoked and tripped the breaker in the kitchen. I guess the toaster was a Mac.


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